end of my tether

[destructivedan]

let me start by saying I would do anything to help my child but he doesn't seem to want it and is unwilling to acknowledge anything is wrong.

has had period of school refusal in years 9 and 10 mainly after half term breaks. nothing long term just a day or two. however now in year 11 he has only been to school maybe 6 times since September.

He does not think school is important and just doesn't think about it. knows this is causing myself and my ex husband a lot of distress and we are in trouble with local authority. It still does not motivate him to go to school.

No punishments work. No routine helps, he just lays in bed all day then at 3 when his friends are finished school gets dressed and goes out with them. A few instances of him smelling like cannabis but infrequently, maybe 5 times in 6 months.

since August 2024 his dress style has changed and music, both a lot darker. dyed his blonde hair black.

had a girlfriend for 2 years who broke up with him in September as she did not like who he was becoming.

had no contact with his father for 2.5 years, Christmas 2023 they started in regular contact and seeing each other almost weekly. We broke up when he was 9 and he had 50/50 living arrangement for the first 12 months which slowly petered out to zero contact (Ex's doing not mine)

he missed his final year of primary school due to covid but had lots of friends at secondary and was thriving.

same appetite as usual.

currently living in rental while our house is refurbed, he's scratched thinks into the paintwork in his room, got burn marks in his carpet even though he knows we need to keep it pristine.

our house is due for completion very soon but yesterday he visited, has put a huge mucky mark up one of the the newly painted walls and also forgot to put the key back in the keysafe meaning the work is pushed back a day as they could not access property today.

We have seen the GP they said he doesn't present as depressed and have I considered he might have Autism.

We've seen a family support worker who had to close the case as she wanted to meet him in school but he won't go to school, and we now have had an initial appointment with a youth worker and waiting for our first therapeutic appointment but its me pushing these things, he doesn't see anything's wrong.

this post it probably terribly outing but I wanted to include everything.

I have sympathy OP - it's a difficult time for him and for you

It sounds like your DS is "trying to find himself" for want of a better cliche. He's working out who he is and this is a really normal stage of development for him. You don't mention anything about possible changes in friendship groups, any positive relationships/activities, things DS likes doing but being curious about all of this would be a good start.

I know you mention DS had a girlfriend but it's the right age for him to possibly be exploring his sexuality which can be a big thing for an adolescent boy, particularly if he's starting to think he's not heteronormative. I don't know what the messages are around sexuality and gender in your family but yours and his Dad's views could be important here.

All of the above could be particularly impactful if DS is autistic as suggested by the GP.

I don't know what your relationship with DS is like but I'd start with trying to explore his world a bit, find out what's going on for him. You don't mention any positives about him in your post but I'm sure there are lots - start with these, find some common interests and spend time building your relationship with him. If he is able to trust you and let you in, it's easier to advise and support.

Good luck OP 😊 Teenagers can be tough!

@Jayinthetub why are you bringing any sexuality into this? The OP said he had a girlfriend who left him because of his behaviour. She has said absolutely nothing at all about gender norms. Why are you bringing this in?

No offence intended and not a personal focus so apologies if this has offended anyone. I just work with a lot of young people the same age who are exploring who they are and it's sometimes an avenue to think about when trying to work out what's going on 🤷🏻‍♀️ Really common factor and one that is so big for young people that it often throws them off other things.

As per OP's post, there are lots of things about her DS which are changing at the moment and previously having had a girlfriend doesn't mean he isn't exploring his sexuality.

Has he been given a right royal bollocking because if my teen had done any of those things that's what they would have got. School year 11 means he's nearly 16 or already is. I'd be explaining he can find somewhere else to live if he doesn't shape up - no way would I be going to prison for the little shits school refusal - let's be honest here - he isn't autistic - he's pushing boundaries and behaving like a shit

@justanothercrapbedtime wow.

OP I have experienced very similar with my teen dd and she was diagnosed as autistic. Emotionally based school avoidance is often linked to SEN.

She’s 19 now and things aren’t perfect but a lot better and she did manage to sit her GCSES and even get some decent grades in the end. It was horrendously stressful though.

What's his currency? And by that I mean what's important to him? Do you provide Internet access at home? A phone? How does he buy clothes?

he has access to the internet and a PC, he has a mobile phone. He used to get regular pocket money but I stopped that when I suspected he was spending it on cannabis.

I have tried turning the Wifi off, I have tried confiscating the phone, nothing has made any difference.

as for the helpful poster who asked if I'd given him a "right royal bollocking" I have done every single thing you can think of bar physical violence. It makes no difference whether I remain calm and positive, scream, shout, cry, get angry, remove his things, ground him, nothing makes a difference.

Oh I do have positives! He's still polite and speaks respectfully. he's so cute with the dogs, snuggling them and playing with them.

my elder son is gay so that would not be an issue in our family at all.

His friends have changed. He used to be friends in school with boys he played online with, now he tends to play games by himself and has different school friends who he sees in person more.

He has started skateboarding and loves art, we are going to the art college open day soon and he spoke to me today unprompted about some of the courses he wants to find out more about (huge positive step, at previous college open days he's asked to leave in the first few minutes)

also although I said he's had regular contact with his Dad (texting and once a fortnight cinema or bowling etc) since December 2023 this has actually petered back out to nothing but because my son barely respond to his Dads messages anymore. This has been since early January this year. so after a year of fortnightly (a few times weekly) contact they now have not seen each other since the first week in January.

Hi OP

Have you discussed what he intends to do at the end of the academic year?

I think I would be saying if he intends to stay in the house he needs to get a full time job and pay rent (whatever is the going rate around your area). If you don’t set clear boundaries for the next stage of his life, he could be wasting it for years!
Tell him he will need to sign on for Unemployment Benefit, and you will not be giving him money or subsidising him in any way and in lieu of rent until he gets a job, he will need to run the house - washing, cleaning, cooking, shopping etc.

I doubt he’s going to like it, but unless he has an alternative plan like joining the Armed Forces or something so feels his future is taken care of, I think you need to introduce some reality into this scenario.

Flipping off school is one thing; flipping off life is entirely different. Time for some tough love, I’m afraid.

If you remove his wifi access, laptop, phone, all devices, what will he do? I don't mean take them away for an afternoon, I mean remove them until he's talking to you and has a plan, and that plan is underway. That could be weeks and weeks without access to data.

Also, all of the people who say set boundaries, whilst they are trying to be helpful, they clearly have no idea what it's like living with a child who doesn't care. When it comes down to dealing with a child like this, you can't physically drag him to school, you can't physically drag him out of bed, or tie him to it so he doesn't leave at three when his mates are free.

You only have two options: learn to live with it and hope he snaps out of it (he may never), or kick him out. And who's going to do that with a 16 year old?

I've been in a very similar situation. All you can do is protect your sanity. But, for the love of god, don't do his laundry, don't give him his meals in his room, tidy up his bedroom, or give him any data. Do nothing to facilitate his behaviour.

I really feel for you.

How does he get on with your partner?

How old is he?

Sounds like you're trying to find excuses for him. I would make him pay for the damage. If he doesn't want to tell him he can't live with you anymore. If tough and can lead to consequences but it'll only get worse for you. Sounds like a spoilt only child.

But what consequences? Everyone talking about boundaries and consequences - what happens when a boundary is overstepped? What then? What are you prepared to do?

Not let them have privileges, such as access to niceties. Watching tv/ playing game stations/food etc. Probably spoilt and bored.

Sounds like his dad is a major problem. Showing no interest in his son. Why isnt dad making more effort to visit? Can you send a messge to him and tell him he needs to be more proactive in parenting his child?

What hobbies and interests did he have before his attitude shifted? What was he involved in? Before covid what was he doing with his time after school and at weekends?

You said you'd removed screens and turned wifi off. Is that ongoing?

in bed until 3pm? Why is that accepted? Do you work from home to know this?

Well I agree with you there, but it sounds like OP may have tried that anyway. What if he doesn’t care about watching TV or gaming? I’m not trying to trip anyone up. I am the mum of a now 24 year old who had no purpose at all in life, and it wasn’t until we found him a job and then kicked him out this year (kicked him out is too harsh - but we definitely made him leave and it took a whole year) that our lives got better. It was stressful and difficult from when he was 16. It affected my marriage and our relationships with our other children - I’m trying to help OP avoid that.

op doesn’t say age anywhere, which is important

also there’s lots of “we” so I’m guessing there’s a boyfriend / step father involved in the equation and I wonder how well her son gets on with him

@destructivedan ,we are going through something similar with our 16 year old. He doesn't see the point of school, ignores detentions, doesn't do homework, and says everything he's studying is a waste of time. Real Andrew Tate nonsense. He got to a point 2 weeks ago where he was suspended for being rude to a teacher (called her a liar and stuck his fingers up at her). We removed his access to devices and stopped pocket money, which made him angry. He then refused to go to the reintegration meeting, just wouldn't get out of bed. My husband threw his hands in the air and said "What are we supposed to do? but I wasn't going to allow him to not go to school. So I got a big rubbish bag, stuffed it with EVERY item of clothing in my son's room and said unless he gets downstairs, in the car and gets to school, his clothes will go in the bin. And I bloody meant it. My son protested he got physical, in fact, but I will not be beaten on this. I was effing furious. Anyway, it had the desired effect and he hasn't missed a day of school since. His devices are still under strict control and only if he follows a set of rules: devices - handed in by 9, he has to come downstairs to get them in the morning, if he gets a detention or steals anything, we are back to square one. It's been really effiing hard but us faffing around and not wanting to be mean is what got us here in the first place. I am absolutely hard-lining it. He knows his clothes are in the balance, too...and yes, he hates us right now, but it's my job to make sure he doesn't royally eff up his life, and if I let him skip school, I'd be doing just that.

called her a liar and stuck his fingers up at her)

he is 16?
if something doesn’t change, he will become one of the abusive men we read about on mumsnet

Ooooo good point. Glad you raised it as it hadn’t crossed my mind.

Honestly…

error

yes, I know you were being sarcastic but frightening to think of a 16 year old out there like this

he is in year 11 of school as per 1st line of my original post.

We as in me & his Dad who I have been speaking to more throughout this, although I know MN loves to blame a step parent

I mean, how much can he parent, son lives with me full time and son now won't respond to his messages.

covid was when he was in primary school but similar interests, computers etc.

no he has the screens and wifi back as per the school advisor who said don't make his whole life a punishment.

those of you saying throw him out or be tougher, what if he kills himself. what then.

@destructivedan kicking him out is a ridiculous idea. What parent is going to do that at 16? I disagree with the school advisor though; he should not be allowed any devices, wifi or TV whilst missing school.