Help! Am I "deeping" it too much

[BeeKind1]

My 14 DD is most upset because her dad and I have have given her a choice of consequences for a spate of recent unacceptable behaviours including being in trouble at school - minor things such as being late for form but still not acceptable and drinking vodka at a sleepover and being hungover the next day. Today there was another incident at school, late the lessons which has been the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak as we have told her she is on thin ice. We have given her the choice of consequences:

• stay home Saturday night instead of going to a girls sleepover
• hand her phone to me for half term

Or

• be grounded for the week

This is my first experience dealing with a teenager and I really want to get it right now so that the choices/behaviours do not escalate. She says I’m taking it all too serious - deeping it - but I feel like I’m just being a parent and not a friend. Would you stick to your guns? Advice needed please.

Edit: drinking vodka at 14 is not minor! The trouble at school is.

Well I'd just stop the sleepover as punishment for the alcohol thing. Don't bother with punishing at home for school misdemeanours - let the school deal with that one. Pick your battles.

Yeah I feel that the natural consequence for drinking at a sleepover is she can’t be trusted at sleepovers for a while

Why are you giving her a choice? You pick the appropriate consequence and she has to suck it up.

You are not going too hard on her. I wouldn't have offered her a choice. I would have made the punishment fit the crime.

If alcohol is being passed round on a sleepover, she has the choice to drink or not. She could just say no, she could pretend to drink to save her from peer pressure. If she drinks, she chooses how much to drink. If she's so daft that she's drinking so much to be hungover then she's not old enough to be put in the situation. No sleepovers is the result of that

Why is she late for school? If you can link it to phone use before school or staying up too late on it, then by all means remove the phone eg take it away at bedtime and return it on her way out the door to school

In case its not clear, I'd be making 2 changes to the status quo for the 2 separate issues. I wouldn't even frame them as punishments, they're restrictions on her because she's not responsible enough to handle the freedom you've allowed up untill now. They can be reassessed when she demonstrates she's more capable

I feel like no phone is just off the chart over half term...I mean my concern would be if I did that how would they make plans with friends

I would say...we can't trust you so you aren't going on a sleepover maybe?

I find it so hard getting discipline right as I really think kids need social time

Also totally don't agree with leaving school stuff got school to deal with

My teen will happily just take detentions and not give a shit so I have to add a gaming ban when he is being badly behaved in school...

Oh and of course she says you are taking it too seriously. Haha my 13 year old tells me that all. The. Time. And he is quite badly behaved at the moment in school

Thanks for the solidarity and advice. It is very much appreciated when navigating parenting a teen for the first time.

Update:
It was a lunchtime detention as it's her first offence which isn't too bad considering she's been in high school for three years I guess. Also, she has been an angel for the last 24 hours since we've "laid down the law". She's going to the sleepover but she knows she's on thin ice and I will be FaceTimeing her before bed and going to collect her if she doesn't answer 😝 she is then grounded until Wednesday and she has to help me with doing the half term clear out for charity shops.

I fully accept that I might be getting things wrong hence me asking for advice and not judgement.

So let me get this straight

She got drunk at a sleepover

You 'offered' to let her skip the next one as a consequence of her behaviour

But she's going anyway

Godspeed OP, you'll need it

Well she's not grounded until Wednesday as she's going to a sleepover.

Again, what's with the judgement? I asked for help. See the post title. I’m so happy for you that you got everything right raising your teenager. God has nothing to do with me either. Thanks though.

Stick to your guns completely! You are not dipping it too much in the slightest. I have a DS exactly that age and trust me if they do not think there are consequences they will run all over you.

What's done is done and you can't change what you've said now, but my advice is that you're being too soft. Letting her go to the sleepover this weekend was not the best call. Teens are not supposed to like you all the time. It's a good thing to be a hard ass every now and then. But as you say, no one gets everything right all the time! And we're all learning on the job! 😊

Thanks. It's so hard because 99% of the time she's a good girl. It's just these wrong choices that are getting her in trouble. I was so close to stopping her from going, I really don't want her to go as I don't like her friends but it's that whole thing of what to do for the best. I have probably got it wrong but if nothing else she knows she is on super thin ice and will hopefully buck her ideas up?!

Try to make future punishments (sanctions is a nicer word) fit the 'crime'. By the way, they would be logical consequences, not 'natural' ones, as said by someone upthread. Natural consequences happen naturally, you don't impose them. And don't be too draconian as that can cause resentment and rebellion.

Letting her go to the sleepover might not have been a good call though I understand why you wouldn't want to stop her. Grounding till Wednesday seems too much though. A sanction shouldn't be drawn out unless behaviours are repeated.

You should have said she couldn’t go to the sleep over. Essentially she hasn’t really been punished for the vodka/sleepover situation. Being grounded for a few days next week isn’t really going to bother her because she’s got to go to the sleepover she wanted to go to.

As a previous poster said, make the punishment for the crime. You do silly things at sleepovers, you can no longer do sleepovers. You send silly things on your phone, you no longer get a phone.

Or, if you didn't want to stop the sleepover, you could have given her a warning that she wont be allowed on a sleepover in future if she drinks this time Or picked her up early so she only has half the fun.

Vodka at 14 is shocking.

But if you discipline too harshly you will push her further towards this friend group that sound awful.

I would focus on building a stronger bond with her, doing more stuff with her, so that her friendship group doesn't dominate her life and attitudes.

Rather than take her phone away over half term, plan some fun activities together where she will be too busy to use her phone.

Exactly this. She can't be trusted at sleepovers /her friendship group are drinking at sleepovers, so she misses the sleepovers.

Consequences should be related to actions. And in fact your goal is not to punish but to guide her in better directions

I am quite a strict parent and I think you are getting a hard time.

You say she is generally good. You say it was a hangover (the previous drinking)...no indication of horrific vomiting/drunken behaviour...just the hangover. Unless it was an A&E type hangover? So I am not sure the crime (albeit unacceptable) was the horror show some seem to be implying. And sleepovers are notorious for the lack of sleep - so how much was hangover? How much was zero sleep?

Vodka. There is a consequence. You don't trust her. She has to show her face/answer a call or she will be picked up (v embarrassing).
I would coach her through how to deal with the alcohol/peer pressure. To alternate alcohol with water. Vodka seems to be the drink of choice these days as it can be mixed with all kinds of sweet shite to disguise the taste. (used to be a cheap bottle of vile tasting white wine in my day). She is being given a second chance to learn from her mistake. With a suitable consequence for the crime.

The lateness - total fucking pain in the arse for schools/teachers so needs to be talked about why it is happening. Is it new? Is it first lesson (ie she is leaving the house too late) or varied lessons (faffing in the loos/chatting with friends between lessons) How can she be on time at school? Remind her timekeeping is important. And being late is rude/disruptive/disrespectful. And later in life she could get fired for it.

Thanks @WhoAmITodayThen yes I guess with a few posts you don't get the full picture. I was disappointed that she had a "couple" of vodkas. She felt rough the next day because she's tiny and her body is not prepared for alcohol. We had a big conversation around why she felt the need to drink and it boils down to peer pressure which I don't think I can fully grasp as I was a goody two shoes and didn't drink alcohol until 18 and even then it was the crappy alcopops. She wasn't sick. My issue is that she thought it was ok the drink alcohol at all. I've told her it's not and she's not allowed and we spoke about exit strategies and faking it. I figure that it's a good thing she tells me and I don't want to get to a point that she doesn't tell me things at least I can then talk it through and advise??

Thank you for all the other points of views and advice. I don't disagree but it's just finding the balance as she's not a complete nightmare child she just finding her way as am I in parenting a teenager. I'm thinking it's my payback as she was a delightful baby. Did everything "by the book" and I loved being her Mum. She's testing me now 🤣🤣🤣

Funny how things work out! 😬 glad I’m not the only strict mum!

Trying to add a screenshot of messages. DD just texted. Sleepover is cancelled because the girl whose house they were staying at has had a falling out with her mum!