Lazy teenager aged 19

[stressedtothemaxdotcom]

I need some perspective because I'm so irritated
19 year oid teen boy.
What is reasonable to expect him to do.
At present all his washing ironing putting clothes away is done, nice cooked meal made for him every night, no help doing dishes is offered or expected.

Gets his bed changed
All life admin taken care of.
Aside from his phone all his money is his own. So has £1600 per month spends
Does literally nothing.
I'm sick of it but DH doesn't think it's a problem.

How much of a problem would it suddenly be if you go on strike and DH has to change the bedding clean his room do his washing and cook his meals?

Stop doing his washing, stop making his bed, tell him he’s got to pull his weight and clear up after tea 3 nights a week at least and charge him at least £50 a week rent! Stick it in a savings account.
my lazy ass 17 year old does all of this, the only difference is he doesn’t have a job for me to charge him yet 😆

Most 19 year olds will not do their washing, cooking, cleaning etc, if there’s someone who willingly does it for him. Have you asked him to do these things, or assumed he would take on these responsibilities?

If he’s never done it before, don’t expect to do it all at once. Start by leaving his clothes to put away, and ask him to help wash or dry up, or empty the dishwasher, Then get hi. To cook a meal, even if it’s something simple like bacon sandwiches for lunch.

Fir washing, must admit, I still do my dc washing and ironing, as it all gets chucked I. Together, but dc will iron his T-shirts etc if there a certain one he wants.

Also, dc should be contributing to the household - £150+ per month.

You're mental for doing all that. What sort of start are you giving him when he’ll be in his 20s and have never put his washing away or made his bed?

You’re making him a problem for any future partner as he’ll have no clue how to do anything for himself.

You shouldn’t be doing any washings/ironings/putting clothes away. Fine if you do all of the washing together and it’s just easier, but making his bed? You’re babying him.

Life admin? So do you arrange his appointments, sort out his schedule?

If your husband doesn’t think it’s an issue, let him do it. I suspect he has you doing all of his tasks too, so no wonder it’s not an issue for him.

You’re being taken for a mug. And if you want the brutal truth I think you’re failing as a parent by not teaching him an ounce of responsibility.

I’m curious, you don’t mention a car. Do you drive him everywhere as well?

You are frustrated at him yet you have created this .
You need to prepare him for the real world ,
Charge him rent .
He must clean his room / communal areas he uses .
He cooks one night a week. This will help him to learn .

Then I would get him to start doing his washing .

Think of it as preparing him to leave home and giving him the necessary skills to succeed.

Your poor future daughter-in law.

Why have you and dh allowed him to get to 19 and be so useless?
You say teen boy, but in reality he has been an adult for at least a year and a bit. He's not a kid.
Did he do any chores when he was younger?
I've had two boys.
By the time they left home and started buying their own homes at 22 they had been washing, cleaning etc for years.
The resisted in the early teens years of course, like it was beneath them to muck in but Dh put them straight. Also they have always seen dh shop, cook and clean and do child care so it's normal. Does your dh do his fair share?

Just stop doing it!
He’ll soon learn when he has no clothes etc…. I guess if you’re cooking you can cook for him, but just go out occasionally and leave him with nothing, again he’ll quickly learn.

Shame on you!
You wait til he is 19 and expect him to act like a grown-up with no training beforehand??
And if he is clearing £1600 a month he should be paying 25% as rent and STILL doing his own laundry and cleaning as well as taking turns cooking dinner and cleaning communal areas of the house!

The idea is that you equip your kids how to survive as adults as they are growing up.

Shame on you!

Time to cut the apron strings.

That does sound irritating but if no help/contribution is expected, perhaps he just isn't mature or experienced enough to realise he should be contributing in some way. When did he finish being in education? If he is 19 and is working to save money for going off to university, I probably wouldn't ask him to contribute financially but if he is working with no such intention, I would definitely expect him to be paying something towards living with you. I don't think it's helpful for young people to earn a decent amount and to have it all to themselves as it doesn't prepare them for the experience of their earnings having to cover food, travel, accommodation etc. I also think it's a missed opportunity in terms of them having to budget, albeit with the safety net of their parents being able to let them off a week's payment if needed.

As you've not expected any contribution until now, it will need to be introduced gradually. I'd be inclined to let your DS know that from September he will need to pay £400pcm rent and from March 1st he will be responsible for his own laundry and bedding at the very least. Both of those timescales give him time to develop the relevant skills and/or to find somewhere else to live where his laundry and bedding won't be dealt with.

Why are you treating an adult man like a child? He should be doing his own washing, ironing and putting it away as well as changing his bed, life admin and taking a turn at cooking a meal. Do you do everything for your DH too? If so, there’s your problem right there. Why haven’t you been teaching him to be independent all his life? Honestly, no wonder so many women on here marry men who can’t boil a bloody kettle let alone put a washing on. You’ve done him no favours OP.

My DC were helping around the house from a very early age and by 19 knew to put a washing on (for all of us), hang it out etc. They can all cook and were expected to cook meals for the family, not just expect it. They also washed up, helped with housework and ironed their own stuff as well as changed their beds, this was non negotiable if they were under our roof. I fear for any future partners your DS has!

Our DC knew how to budget although we never charged them to live at home.If you haven’t taught them these things then that a parenting fail.

£1600 to himself? No rent? No paying for food? Bonkers.

A 19 yo is grown up. He can take care of himself. But of course it's easier not to.

It's a parent problem. You describe his as a teenager, a 19 year old boy. FfS he's a grown man, treat him as such. Stop making him into a bloody useless adult.

It might be weird for him to realise that things change because he’s grown up. I mean, if you have been washing his clothes for 19years, what’s to make him think that he should do it? Ditto cleaning/clearing.

I think you’ll have to spell out what you want him to do:

eg on Mondays he needs to help cook
on Tuesdays he needs to clear up after food
on Wednesdays he needs to change his sheets

etc

some of these replies are really mean. There is no need to say shame on the op. She realises there is an issue and she’s posted on here and is going to fix it.

You've made a bit of a rod for your own back!

Charge him rent. If you don't really need the money, put it into a savings account so it can go towards a house deposit in the future.

I think it's probably easier to do the whole family's washing in one go, but get him to do one wash a week. That includes sorting, loading, emptying as soon as its finished (he'll just leave it in there to fester for days otherwise), hanging out, folding, putting his own clothes away and everyone else's on their bed. He needs to consider the time it's going to take, and choose a time he can complete the task to the point of hanging it out.

He can certainly load the dishwasher or empty it. Or wash up/ dry up.

Stop changing his sheets fgs! If he wants to sleep in a stinky, sweaty bed, let him.

Teach him to cook. He can cook with you/DH for a while, let him choose some recipes he likes the look of, then once he's more confident, he can be head chef with you as sous chef until he's able to fully prepare a decent meal without help.

With £1600 spare money a month, he can afford to move out. I wouldn't allow to do nothing and if he won't help, he can leave.

Your DH is completely unreasonable. Why on earth wouldn't he want his son to be independent? I hope he's not a sexist pig who thinks a woman should just take care of all these things for him and DS for life.

These days DS will struggle to find a GF or wife (or BF/Husband) who'll happily run around after him like you do without complaint.

And once babies come along, men need to put more effort into the household chores. Without being asked, preferably.

Please don't allow him to become a useless, thoughtless, selfish partner. No future GF/BF will thank you and he'll struggle in relationships.

OP I wouldn't do any laundry or cleaning if someone else was doing it for me!

Shame on you for allowing this. Did you not teach him to cook, load the dishwasher, put a wash on etc. Dh had ds's doing jobs ie pairing the socks at as a toddler! Change that and get cracking now.

What's more alarming than a lazy 19 year old is that there is a Mum who does everything for her perfectly able 19 year old son when she doesn't want to.

You are showing him that some
Women are to be taken advantage of.

Just to clarify I don't do all this stuff from him.
I wash whatever is put in the laundry basket.
I cook one meal for everyone. Everything else DH does.
No one makes his bed it's left messy until DH charges it and washes it for him.

You're not doing anyone any favours by raising a lazy man child. You both need a kick up the arse to sort this out.

He has his own car, he pays his own petrol costs.

I’d show him how to cook a decent meal and then ask him to do that for the family one evening a week. My 12 year old son has just started doing this for us. He’s getting a lot of pleasure from it and building up his list of recipes for when he leaves home.

Emptying the dishwasher and putting the bins out could also be a start.