Lazy teenager aged 19

[stressedtothemaxdotcom]

I need some perspective because I'm so irritated
19 year oid teen boy.
What is reasonable to expect him to do.
At present all his washing ironing putting clothes away is done, nice cooked meal made for him every night, no help doing dishes is offered or expected.

Gets his bed changed
All life admin taken care of.
Aside from his phone all his money is his own. So has £1600 per month spends
Does literally nothing.
I'm sick of it but DH doesn't think it's a problem.

He should be stripping his bed himself by now and making it back up. Show him once and then you’re free of that task.

Do you not work?

Just stop please for everyone's benefit, you've made an entitled male. I have a 17 and 20 year old who pull their weight.

Not saying they are perfect but I don't even go in their rooms, that's their jobs to keep their spaces tidy, clean etc.

Parents job is to ensure our offspring are fully equipped for life as independent adults a d all that entails - sadly your teen is not, and that is down to the pair of you. Have a rethink!

I agree with everything on here
For people giving me a battering, it's not me doing all this stuff it's DH. We've argued so many times about it but he doesn't see it. He says he likes doing things for him.
DH doesn't plenty around the house. He helps cook and washes up. He does washing and all of his and DS ironing
This is why I don't understand him. He knows it's not fair to expect everything done for you but can't see why it's so wrong.

Whats the 'everything else'

Who does the shopping and cleaning in the house, your husband? Who manages your sons car insurance? Does your son arrange his own health appointments? Who does the ironing, who arranges the window cleaner or cleans the windows, who sorts the holidays out, who does the gardening, who puts out the bins

Any many more questions

What has your son actually said about all this?

As my boys approached their teen years, they had to increase the amount they did for themselves. I stopped doing their washing and cleaning their rooms. I taught them to cook, including the need to clear up after themselves.

Now as fully fledged adults, in relationships, they more than pull their weight.

In my opinion, teaching kids to become independent is a big part of parenting.

Your 19 year old is taking the piss, facilitated by you and to a greater extent your DH. It’s time for a change.

For comparison, my 19yo ds - started work last autumn.
At the moment it is just him & I, elder ds left in the week having been home post graduation since last summer. Plus my DP at weekends.

Does all his own cooking, unless I'm doing a Sunday roast, or family pizza night.

Cleans and tidies the kitchen after cooking, to a decent standard.

Shops for his own food, although also uses communal things (milk, butter, bread).

Buys his own toiletries, although I buy all the loo roll & cleaning supplies.

Did clean the main bathroom (I have en-suite) but this has lapsed for various reasons. Will reinstate this.

I do almost all of the washing, but he will occasionally put a load on.

His bedding is up to him, probably doesn't get changed very often.

Doesn't clean the communal areas, but if asked will vacuum or clean downstairs loo.

Pays £100pm nominal board.

@soupyspoon
DH and I do the shopping together
He sorts both of their car insurance I do my own.
They go to the dentist together. DH sorts this out too.
No one dirts the window cleaner out really it's just whoever picks the card out f the letterbox.

I've often asked DH when is is going to start wiping his arse

I have an 18 and a half year old. He earns roughly the same. He pays his own expenses, phone gym etc and gives me £350 per month. If I cook, he does the dishes. If he cooks (rarely, he's not that good 🤣) I do the dishes. He will hoover, put on a wash, do rubbish and recycling and other things. He won't always do it independently without being asked but has no problem if I ask him.

You're doing him no favours and by you, I mean you and your DH.

Do you do everything for your DH aswell, is his behaviour being modelled for him by your DH?

Posted without reading your replies OP. Apologies

Dentist. I've always arranged, we went last summer (when he was 18 and just finished 6th form). Afterwards we made separate arrangements and he will sort himself out now.

Car insurance. Only had since last autumn, I helped him look etc, but he took it out and paid. On him now.

Car MOT. Again new to him, I reminded a few times and then DP arranged for him (he is a tester!). Will push ds harder on this when it comes round again.

We have a 20 year old, she pays rent, she or we will do her washing and she cooks for herself. I would ask for rent and stop cooking for him.

You've made a rod for your own back here - why didn't he have to do chores growing up?

It's normal for kids from a much younger age to be doing things like empty the dishwasher/put their own clothes away/clear the table...it sounds like he's never lifted a finger.

When mine were here the washing would all go in together so it's no extra hassle to chuck in the machine, but they'd put their own clean clothes away. Same with meals - no extra hassle to cook a meal for all of us but they'd be expected to wash up/load and empty dishwasher, clear table etc, and once they could cook they'd cook some family meals.

He's an adult, but being treated like a five year old. Your DH is not doing him any favours at all. Does he have a girlfriend?

Ok, so let DH do whatever he wants and focus on the bits that you do - you say you cook every night and do the washing, so you can hand over some of these jobs to DS. He could cook twice and week and do the laundry on alternate weeks. I don't understand why you're trying to get DH to make changes rather than making them yourself?

Stop doing everything for him then he has no choice but to do it himself. He'll be fine I moved out when I was 16

DH never expected him too.

I've been saying for years he needs to start contributing to the household by doing a wash or the dishes when we've cooked.

There is a younger child here aged 13 who does more and I feel it's not fair to expect more from one than the other but I don't want her growing up with the idea that I'll be doing all this for her but I Audi don't want her feeling it's unfair that she has to do things he never had to.

Honestly OP, I don't quite understand. You've been saying this for years and yet you still cook every night? Why not insist that DS cooks once or twice a week?

The problem is there is no expectation on your son to contribute/help or seemingly be grateful so that is going to cause frustration.
It would be better for him if you could teach him how to wash his clothes/organise himself, show appreciation but very difficult if DH undermines you.

Stop doing his laundry then you're just cooking an evening meal which isn't much in terms of work load.

He's not here at dinner time. He works until 8 so I've already done it by then.
He can only make eggs chicken and oven food and wouldn't dream of offering to cook
He was cooking the other day (chicken I had take out for tea). I said are you making tea for us all and he just laughed as if the idea was absurd I've just had another talk with DH now as he's left the washing basket overflowing with no thought to stick a wash in

Why does his 13 year old sister do more? Is she expected/told to?
What was your DHs childhood like, were sons favoured in his family, or was he neglected & trying to overcompensate- to his son, but not his daughter? 🤔

She does more of her own stuff. Changes her bed cleans her room etc
They're aren't biological siblings

🤣🤣
it’s not biology, it’s expectation

What about the nights he's not working? He could cook then? OP, you're still saying things like he wouldn't dream of offering but as lots of posters have said, you can't wait for him to offer, you need to tell him!

What I mean is. I expect and will teach the younger how to be a function adult.
I can't control the older one.

He's never here if he's not working it's hobby mates or girlfriend.

I'm not sure I'd fancy anything he made anyway. Fried egg on toast most meals or scrambled sometimes.