Please Read - Feeling very sad

[Singster1986]

Hi everyone,
I'm really just after a bit of advice I think. I have a 12 year old dd, 13 in April and am just really struggling with the whole teenage thing. I’ve just lost the little girl who once wanted to spend time with me and now I just can’t say anything without a nasty comment or a door slam and to be honest I think I’m feeling quite depressed and lonely about it all.

Long story but a bit of background. We have a 24 year old (my stepdaughter) who is lovely but didn’t have to deal with the teen years really as she would spend her time mostly at mums..and if either party said something she disagreed with she would just go to the other parent! Blended families and all that jazz. We then had our first together who is now 12, and had our second in 2014 but she sadly died of a severe disability that took 5 years to diagnose, so all in all, a few very difficult years , many of me as mum trying to hold it together while making sure the girls were ok. I do struggle with anxiety and low mood and anxiety but have always gone straight for help to get better etc, and still very much miss my angel but I’ve worked at this over the years, I just think it’s a hole that will never be filled…but this preteen stage has really floored me.

she is a gorgeous girl, brilliant singer and a beautiful heart but I’m finding it really hard to take the constant attitude, mood swings, secretiveness and just a feeling of her not liking me at all 😔
sorry for the long post, I just wondered if anyone out there feels similar and how to navigate it all? I worry so much about her, what she’s up to online (she’s very very aware of things that I wasn’t at that age and it terrifies me) and how she is mentally etc.
I feel a bit lonely because the friends group from when they were younger has gone and my parents are elderly etc and it’s just a whole new digital world that I’m struggling to adjust to! And I’m only in my early 40’s..totally thought I’d be able to handle it but I take far too much to heart.
thankyou for reading, any advice (or hugs) much appreciated 💜

((Hugs!))
I feel you. My Dd was 13 in November and my sweet little shadow has vanished...
I don't know what to suggest, everyone says "this too shall pass" but I'm not sure that's true as we're now looking at a possible ADHD/autism diagnosis that wasn't even on my radar 18 months ago. Hopefully someone will be along with some ideas...

I have three daughters, all adult now, and all were equally foul as teenagers, although in various ways. All I could do was bite my lip (and occasionally shout very loudly when they crossed a line) and they all came through the other side and are perfectly lovely women who seek out my company and are successful and adorable. So hold the line...

My DD is a little older and yes there are times when this is the behaviour but ... there are so many lovely things about teens. All I can offer is to say hang in there, keep firm boundaries but also enjoy this new stage too because I promise it will have great things!

But also maybe look at some counselling for her on the loss of her sibling. I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine. Counselling to help her cope while navigating teen years might be useful?

thankyou so much for this. I feel like such a dinosaur. Social media use terrifies me, she has Snapchat, no tik tok, and the usual Roblox etc but I find myself googling incessantly and scaring myself about all sorts of horror stories. We have told her everything with regards to online safety, what to do and what not to do. My husband (and I tend to…well am trying to agree) says that we have done all we can..all we can do is to be here for her, she will make mistakes along the way but we just have to hope she makes the right choices. Is it obvious I’m anxious 🤦‍♀️

OMG OP you've been through a tough time, and teenagers are so hard. Hope things get better for you soon.

We have all had some counselling for this and actually quite recently for her and the therapist has said that she is a very well rounded articulate young lady. You will smile at this..but I worry that my worrying will make her a big worrier!!!

Thankyou so much for this. I just have to hold on I guess x

I don't have much helpful to say, just that you aren't alone. Feel no one warned me how hurtful this would be, you really do have to develop a thick skin. I used to hum the cure song to myself - how did we get this far apart we used to be so close together.

I think the teen years can be isolating there's so much support from friends when they were toddlers. ( i also found toddlers amusing, I don't find teenagers funny.) I think it's as important to have friends for support now. I luckily have a few that we can privately share our challenges and all the ups and downs.

She has just landed her first pub gig as a vocalist so I’m so proud of her and all that she is. It’s just all so hard. I wish I could be more black and white like my husband but I don’t have the gene I don’t think xx

They tend to come back. I've had two girls go through that phase and one in the midst of it. The boys were difficult in different ways.

With social media and the likes the one thing I did that I'm glad I read about was that I had an amnesty policy.

If you make a mistake, do something stupid or the likes and you come and tell me about it then I don't punish. I help fix and work through it. Not in a "you get away with murder" type way, but in a "if the shit hits the fan please tell me and we can fix it rather than making it worse".

My elder two girls are uni age and that policy is something they mention even now. They never had the "I can't go home" feeling that some of their friends had when they did something stupid.

It’s horribly lonely. I’m so pleased I’ve posted on here I feel a little better already xx

I have a 13 year old, I feel your pain, exactly as you describe . There was a book I read that helped, I'll dig out the name and let you know.

Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls... https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1782395563?ref=ppxpoppmobappshare

Also please take the time to learn the apps.

Get a throwaway email account to use and sign up to them all.

Knowing how they worked was my saviour a few times when stuff happened. Because when you've got an upset teen crying their eyes out because Mary said she was at home but Sallys snapmaps said she was at this place and then Mary's snapmaps said something (or equivalent) the worst thing you can do, as I was told, was have to stop them for an explanation of what it is 😂

Also son was the same and at 16 he is lovely now x

Thankyou so much 💜

Big hugs to you!

I know a little bit of how you’re feeling. I have a nearly 13 year old DD and a severely disabled 3rd child and I spent so many of the last years trying to hold everything together that I sometimes feel like I couldn’t really enjoy my family. And now DD is so grown up and it feels like I missed it.

Have you tried talking to DD about your feelings? My children know and understand that sometimes it’s been tough and we have to support each other.

The piece of wisdom that helped me was that pulling away from your parents at puberty is hard-coded into biology. It is a necessity to hate mom and dad a bit because if you don’t, you won’t be capable of moving to a different community group, be it the next cave or the next village for purposes of procreation. Our gene pool needs this feeling of separation.

it’s nothing personal and they will get past these intense feelings and your bond will reform.

Just keeping holding unto their ‘rope’ no matter how hard they thrash… let the rope out a bit but hold the end tight.. she is doing what her developing brain is meant to do.. she will come back and come back stronger to you if you just keep holding on

Just to reiterate what others have said - it's a necessary stage in their development. My daughter was very challenging indeed during the teenage years. They push you away but come back to you later. All will be well in a few years time, don't worry.

Sounds like you have been through a lot in the last few years.

Do take some time to find yourself outside and away from your identity as a mother. Teenagers do still need their parents, but in a different way. Having other fulfilling stuff in your life makes the door slamming and sulks and snide comments easier to handle.

Oh you poor thing, do you think these feelings of isolation are bringing up all the anxiety and sadness you felt after the death of dd2? It wouldn’t be surprising if your older dd leaving the childhood phase threw up all sorts of feelings.I have a slightly older ds and I found 13 was the worst. They don’t want you around, you know nothing and (certainly mine) was prone to do stupid things. Now he’s 15 and although he has his moments he is often hilarious, and we can do some great things together that you couldn’t do with a young dc. However, I think it’s completely understandable in your situation that you would be grieving the passing of childhood and taking the rejection hard. Be kind to yourself, it might take time to adjust, but hopefully she will come round and you will have fun times together ahead.

Is there anything she likes to do with you OP? My DD is the same age so I fully sympathise with the 'red or black roulette' nature of it all. You just don't know which DD you are going to get.

There are a couple of activities my DD will tolerate me for... we had a nice cinema trip a few weeks back. I try to cling onto the moments where she is lovely and great company to get me through the much harder moments.

Thank you to all the players who say they come out the other side of this. I think those of in the thick of it need to hear that!

So sorry to hear what you have been through OP. I'm wishing you some support and friendship very soon.

13 is one of the difficult ages (people are always wishing to be young again but no-one asks to be 13). They don't hate you - but often hate themselves and take it out on you.

I often found it easiest to think of them as giant toddlers - longing to be independent and free of restraints and resenting your help... but still really needing all that love and support because they aren't ready. They do get through it. Yes - I think that it is biology.

M Dad has always said:

-When your child is 7, you (the parent) know everything. Enjoy it!

-When your child is 14, you know nothing. Accept it. Share your wisdom with their friends and it will reach them.

-When your child reaches 21 they are amazed at how much you have learnt!😀All you have to do is wait for them to have teens of their own and to enjoy that.
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I absolutely think this lovely! Dd2 would have been 10 this last year and it was the tenth anniversary that we lost her too (she was 3 months old) so it certainly has bought up a whole lot of things that I had previously been able to life alongside! I think a lot of self love and time to do things I enjoy is very much needed xx