Please Read - Feeling very sad

[Singster1986]

Hi everyone,
I'm really just after a bit of advice I think. I have a 12 year old dd, 13 in April and am just really struggling with the whole teenage thing. I’ve just lost the little girl who once wanted to spend time with me and now I just can’t say anything without a nasty comment or a door slam and to be honest I think I’m feeling quite depressed and lonely about it all.

Long story but a bit of background. We have a 24 year old (my stepdaughter) who is lovely but didn’t have to deal with the teen years really as she would spend her time mostly at mums..and if either party said something she disagreed with she would just go to the other parent! Blended families and all that jazz. We then had our first together who is now 12, and had our second in 2014 but she sadly died of a severe disability that took 5 years to diagnose, so all in all, a few very difficult years , many of me as mum trying to hold it together while making sure the girls were ok. I do struggle with anxiety and low mood and anxiety but have always gone straight for help to get better etc, and still very much miss my angel but I’ve worked at this over the years, I just think it’s a hole that will never be filled…but this preteen stage has really floored me.

she is a gorgeous girl, brilliant singer and a beautiful heart but I’m finding it really hard to take the constant attitude, mood swings, secretiveness and just a feeling of her not liking me at all 😔
sorry for the long post, I just wondered if anyone out there feels similar and how to navigate it all? I worry so much about her, what she’s up to online (she’s very very aware of things that I wasn’t at that age and it terrifies me) and how she is mentally etc.
I feel a bit lonely because the friends group from when they were younger has gone and my parents are elderly etc and it’s just a whole new digital world that I’m struggling to adjust to! And I’m only in my early 40’s..totally thought I’d be able to handle it but I take far too much to heart.
thankyou for reading, any advice (or hugs) much appreciated 💜

We do have these moments..she loves a shopping trip together, she is still very family orientate. I just very much think I get both barrels because I’m the one who does the run of the mill take her to school, pick up, do the tea etc so I’m just there. Not sure she would talk to her dad in the same way at times!!

Oh I love this! Thankyou so much x

You have all been so very lovely. Thankyou so so much for taking the time to read my post xx

I worry so much about her, what she’s up to online (she’s very very aware of things that I wasn’t at that age and it terrifies me) and how she is mentally etc

She is 12. You need to be very aware of what she is doing online. Do you check her phone regularly? Have you parental controls installed? Do you take her phone overnight?

She is 12 yes. Her phone is checked regularly, we have parental controls on everything and her phone goes into blocked mode at 10pm each night x

OP what a hard time you have had. I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter. And to be facing the teen years now - very very challenging! I just want to offer a handhold and to say that the sadness and worry as the children enter the teen years is REAL, and normal, and really not talked about enough IMO. Try and keep a lid on the anxiety, get help for yourself, do things for yourself, make a friend or two if you can, and just try and stay stable for your teen as she needs you to be okay. Good luck.

Thankyou so much for this. I needed to hear this today. I have made a decision this year to concentrate more on myself. To practise my piano more, I’ve taken up yoga twice weekly so all things that help me to feel good. Perimenopause is on the horizon too so yay for that. She is a wonderful girl I just need to build up a bit of tolerance I think xxx

It’s hard but as long as she knows you’re there for her she’ll come back! It’s just a part of growing up, she can’t continue to be mummy’s little shadow forever so she’s got to pull away to find her own way and then come back as a young woman who can be your little friend again!

Mt DD has just turned 18 and has gone from a homebody who wanted mummy hugs and days out together, into a confident young woman out and about with friends and BOYS!!

But recently an issue with her BF had her crying on the phone to me and meant she had open up about some stuff that she’d otherwise have kept to herself. She started with “you’re going to be disappointed in me! 😢” but I reassured her that I never would be.

She knew I was there for her, wouldn’t judge, would help with advice, and yes - just a little bit of “I told you so!” but in a loving way. We’ve since been a bit closer than previous months and it has opened up some avenues for grown up discussions.

It may take a couple of years but during that time she’ll know you’re there, that she’s safe and loved and that she can come to you with whatever is bothering her.

Potentialmadcatlady thank you - that was just what I was trying to remember as something like that popped up on Facebook.

I sympathise my DD is exact same age as yours and I spent most of this morning in tears wondering what's happened to her and why she seems to hate me so much! She's only really pleasant to me at the moment when she wants something. I'm trying to hang onto the phrase "this too shall pass" and remember is a necessary phase of her growth and development but goodness it's hard!!

I'm not there yet, so take this with a bit of a pinch of salt because it's only from my memory of being the difficult teen grappling with my relationship with my mum.

She doesn't like you right now. That's ok; she's not your friend. She's your daughter. She loves you deeply - but part of her way of breaking free and having an independent future is to see everything you do right now as awful. This is a healthy response. It suggests she is a strong character getting ready for the next stage of her life. Yes, it's very hard on you but do not take it personally.

She needs you to be patient, kind and available but not smothering. Don't pester her but be accessible when she needs you.

And while you don't have a shadow you do also now have a lot more time to follow your own desires - whether that's in work time or leisure time. She needs to see that your life is bigger than her, even though she's at the very centre of it.

Theyll be back but probably not until early 20s

So glad you've all had counselling. Keep going!

Your worrying will make her a worrier, sadly. It's a copied behaviour. I only realised how much I learned anxiety from my mother when I saw her around my own daughter and thought "Jesus, no wonder I'm like I am". It actually helped me to cut myself some slack. But do try to acknowledge your anxiety and its irrationality in front of her - that will help

Firstly, I’m so sorry for the loss of your other child. I’ve been thinking a lot about the teenage years recently and the fact that for all the books there are about caring for babies, there are a lot less about parenting teens. And I think it’s harder! After all those years of having the close and keeping them safe, they turn into their own people with their own ideas and need a freedom that can be scary for us to give them. I guess we’ve just got to hope that the parenting we’ve done over the years will pay off and that the trickier times will pass. I wrote this piece about adjusting to my daughter not being my baby anymore:

Hi OP, you've had such good advice here.
Just wanted to share this podcast from the author recommended by a PP

drlisadamour.com/resource/encore-my-child-is-turning-into-a-teenager-how-do-i-handle-it-2/