My 16 year old daughter asked if her boyfriend could sleep over

[Tim3toputmys3lffirst]

My daughter asked me tonight if her boyfriend (also 16) could sleep over soon. I know
that they are not sexually active yet and my daughter is on birth control for her periods so unprotected sex isn’t a concern.
I told her no and when she asked why, i
couldn’t think of a good reason other than because I said so, you are too young and it’s under my roof.
We had the talk about sex and she said she finds the thought of sex scary and wants to wait another couple of years. I told her that it’s natural that her thoughts on it may change sooner so I want her to be careful and think about it properly before she does anything and that it’s very important to take her birth control pills properly and consistently.
She is smarter than I am, and I don’t know what else I can say for a valid reason.
Anyone else with teenage daughters that could give me a few ideas?

I think you can own your discomfort and just say you feel really weird about it and just aren’t ready for your daughter to be spending the night with her boyfriend much as you may like him. Although they will probably end up sleeping together elsewhere so make sure you’re ready for that too.

It’s not the sex I’m worried about as she’s a really sensible girl, but I did give the whole ‘I was your age once’ blah blah so I know how it is. Yeah I can’t even put my finger on why I just wouldn’t feel comfortable with him staying over. She is also autistic so she always wants to know the ‘why’s’ about everything. It’s really difficult.

I wouldn’t be so sure they aren’t sexually active but just say no if you’re not comfortable with it.
do you have a spare room?

No unfortunately we haven’t got a spare room. She has always been weirded out about sex so I know that she hasn’t done it yet. I just wish I could give her a valid reason that she would accept.

Do you think that the request is genuinely from her or that he might have suggested the idea? Even if they don’t have full sex, I wouldn’t be surprised if other “stuff” happened - especially if they are sharing a bed.
I live across the street from a family with 16 and 17 year old daughters who have boyfriends and their parents drive the boyfriend home (or the mother picks up boyfriend) late rather than do full sleepovers.

Up to you but my ds had his gf over and vice versa at 15. They were sensible, took precautions and neither of them would have wanted to have a pregnancy. I had the talk about him not pressuring or feeling pressured himself.
If they don't feel comfortable around you, then there's a possibility that she won't come to you when she needs someone to talk to.

I had this situation when my DD was 16 also. I also didn’t feel comfortable with it and explained to her that I didn’t feel she was ready for the extra level of intimacy that sleeping together in the same bed brings. I didn’t mind if they were having protected sex, just didn’t want them to be playing house as this would also set a precedent for her younger siblings.

DD is now 18 and still seeing the same boy. They are now allowed to spend the night together and I don’t think it’s done them any harm having some boundaries.

If you aren't comfortable stick to your guns. I was never allowed boyfriend to sleep over. I wouldn't allow my daughter to have a boyfriend sleep over. Once she's an adult I can't stop her staying out but I wouldn't feel comfortable xxx

I would suggest to her that even if she doesn’t want sex yet, and he stays over and sleeps on the couch, it their word against the gossip.

its not a name she wants to get herself especially when she’s innocent. Is it possible he’s pushing to stay so he can tell his mates to look big

Hell. The. Fuck. No.

He doesn't need to sleep unless they are looking to be together because otherwise go home and come back tomorrow.

I personally wouldn’t want to facilitate an environment for my daughter at such a young age to be intimate. Yeah I get teenagers will I was one once too. But why say it’s okay at her age.

But, your house and your rules and you know what’s best for her.

Tell her it’s because you want to protect her from being in a situation where she is made uncomfortable. However nice her boyfriend is, it would be easy for him to put pressure on her for sex if they are in the same bed, and not allowing him there avoids that for her, especially while she is very clear in her own mind that she’s not ready. Tell her you always want home to be her safe place, where she can be relaxed and can escape to if anything happens which upsets her or makes her uncomfortable anywhere else.

My dd started having her bf stay over, and her at his nit too long after 16. I felt ok with it as they had been together for about a year, he had spent lots of time with us so I knew him well, could see he treated her respectfully and also felt confident she knew what she wanted and was able to put in boundaries, be assertive, not just do things because he wanted.

Do you have younger children? I wouldn't want unrelated males staying in my home with younger dc.

You can just say no. Dd is 21 and we’ve never allowed her to have boyfriends sleep over. I think it’s actually encouraged her to go to university (getting up to whatever she likes etc). A lot of it for us is that we have Ds aged 13 with autism and I also have autism and we don’t like people staying over. We do make an exception for an occasional female friend of dds if they have a night out etc but boyfriends, no thanks. It hasn’t harmed our relationship in anyway, she just knows those are the rules.

Yes to this.

I'd be digging to see whose idea this is, given your child's aversion to sex.

I'd also say your daughter is probably relieved that you said no.

You're honoring your daughter's boundaries here. Allowing the boyfriend to sleep over would give him the idea that sex was OK or that you were giving g the green light to an increased level of intimacy that your daughter might not be ready for.

Totally agree, too young and no need for it. I know other parents who allowed this at same age and surprise surprise daughters were pregnant as teens. X

Okay so I am 47 (old!) and I had a very serious love at 16/17 - and he did stay over. We really loved each other and wanted to be together! cuddling/ hugging talking. I don't know if it was right/ wrong but - I do know we really really loved each other.

I think it seems very harsh to say a flat no. She is going to grow up and have to make her own decisions - he is essentially a very good friend, they want to hang out and be lovely dovey whatever - do you remember being a teen?

I think we have to let teens grow and make some decisions of their own or they can't make them as young adults.

Is there some comprimise of letting him spend evenings, then growing in trust etc

she is probably lying about waiting 2 years I mean - who wants to really talk about sexual desire to their mum.

I have this situation with DS1. He is about to be 16 and his girlfriend already is. They have been together for about 3 months.

I don't like driving at night, especially in the winter, so I said I was happy for her to stay over on the sofa in the spare room (we don't have a spare bed).

She did creep across the landing in the middle of the night and I had to have a chat with DS about how I did not feel that was appropriate.

But they do spend time in his room during the day, and he has a double bed so it's a very grey area.

However, I do think 'sleeping together' is a more intimate act than sex in some respects and don't feel comfortable saying it's fine.

But if they're going to have sex, they're going to have sex. It would be more useful to never leave them in the house alone together if that is what you're worried about.

Also, having strict parents as a teenager didn't really prevent much, it just meant that there was a lot more activity in cars, parks, random places and I think I might have allowed myself much higher standards if I was allowed to be more comfortable at home.

Did you allow them to sleep in the same bed?

Did you allow them to sleep in his bed?

15 year old dd here too and they do have sleepovers because they live too far away to be taken home.(100 miles). However it's separate bedrooms. Can't you rearrange rooms to facilitate that? He could even sleep on the sofa? Dd's boyfriend has slept on the sofa, in various other bedrooms and even on the floor!!

No. She sleeps on the sofa, but then they do hang out in his bedroom during the day, inevitably on/in the bed, but I'm awake and forever turning up with laundry.

This is quite a divisive issue it seems. I suppose there are good reasons on either side of the argument but I tend towards the view that sex is going to happen anyway with teens being teens and that it makes sense to allow sleepovers in the same bed. This should only be 16 on though and I am surprised when I hear that some allow it at 15.

Because it's just uncomfortable having non-family stay over. You'll be cooking his meals next thing you know