Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Is it normal for teenagers to be SO rude?

32 replies

holidaysoonplease · 02/01/2025 15:53

My DD (15) has always been high maintenance, but for the last 6-8 months her behaviour has been terrible - swearing, aggressive, confrontational, manipulative and incredibly rude. Some of the things she says are so rude, I would not have dared to talk to my parents this way when I was her age.

She went to a new school in Year 9 and was bullied terribly, but it has been ok since being in Year 11, which has coincided with an escalation of her poor behaviour. I totally get that teenagers can be difficult, but this seems really over the top to me, and nothing we do makes any difference (apart from a total shut down of her access to the internet).

I'm really worried, but not sure if I'm overthinking it and this is actually really 'normal'?

Am interested in others experiences of this stage.

OP posts:
Muchtoomuchtodo · 02/01/2025 15:56

Absolutely not normal.

What have you tried so far to get in top of it?

Makelikeatreeandleaf · 02/01/2025 15:58

Teenage behaviour is a very broad spectrum. For every one like your dd, someone else's will be an angel, so try not to compare. Fwiw, mine wasn't terribly rude but was a spectacular dick in other ways. What is she so angry about?

Boarb · 02/01/2025 16:00

Nowadays it is, because they're often not told no and become incredibly entitled in many aspects of their lives.

If you continue letting her speak to you and behave towards you as you are doing, she'll do it all the more.

Notmyregularusrname · 02/01/2025 16:00

No, not normal. I mean, plenty of teenagers do act that way, but a minority and possibly indicative of something else going on. Did she get help with the bullying at the time?

Oneearringlost · 02/01/2025 16:04

Have you asked her how she would feel if someone spoke to her the way she is speaking to you?
Have you asked her if she would be hurt especially if it were someone she loved?

itsgettingweird · 02/01/2025 16:06

Not "normal".

But like you recognised it can be communication of a bigger problem in which case punishment alone doesn't work.

Usually a combination of 'you earn respects/ rewards etc' alongside an open door policy and reminding them you love them and want to help is the solution. But it may not happen overnight.

I've always preferred natural consequences - so slating driving is met with "oh that's an interesting way of expressing you don't want anymore lifts in the car with me".

Confrontation just breeds a toy for tat argument. Almost agreeing with them but not agreeing - so respecting what they're saying and reminding them of the outcome of those thoughts (or at least them being expressed out loud and/or rudely) has consequences.

If nothing else it's a life lesson.

I do think teens that have grown up with SM struggle to connect words with RL reactions though.

Moonlightstars · 02/01/2025 16:07

What punishment has she had? I would tell my 3 teens to never speak to me like that again and if they did they would lose all their privileges for at least a month (phone iPads etc, pocket money).

usernother · 02/01/2025 16:07

Not normal at all. Mine never ever used bad language towards me or even in my company. If shutting down the internet is what works, carry on doing it.

LouisvilleSlugger · 02/01/2025 16:08

Not normal.

We have 2 young sons, both early 20s now. They never swore at us. Not once. Also never aggressive. Sometimes stroppy and argumentative, but never rude or badly behaved. It’s just not on.

Justmuddlingalong · 02/01/2025 16:09

If she's always been "high maintenance" how did than manifest and how was it dealt with?

TartanMammy · 02/01/2025 16:11

My teenager has a tendency to be a bit sulky and a bit cheeky. Spends most of his time in his room and pays no attention to anything I ask him to do. But not the level of rudeness or aggression you describe.
Can you maybe see if she would engage with counselling or any mental health support, it sounds like she's struggling. Has the bullying stopped? Does she have friends and hobbies?

saraclara · 02/01/2025 16:15

Justmuddlingalong · 02/01/2025 16:09

If she's always been "high maintenance" how did than manifest and how was it dealt with?

Yep. It doesn't see that this has come out of nowhere.

And no, my DDs never swore at us or exhibited any of that behaviour. They'd moan when pressed to do chores or tidy their rooms, and minor stuff like that, but the behaviour that you're describing is awful and not normal.

How is she behaviour wise at school and with other adults?

ChristmasKelpie · 02/01/2025 16:21

We have had 6 of them and not one of them has ever behaved like that.

Boarb · 02/01/2025 16:25

nothing we do makes any difference (apart from a total shut down of her access to the internet).

I hear this rubbish at work so often from parents who don't want to parent and think schools will do the job for them. I just don't know what to do, he doesn't listen to me, you should hear how he speaks to his mum, I'm really sorry, I know what he's like because he does it to me too...

Apart from disconnecting the internet doesn't mean nothing works. That works with her. So do that then. If you refuse, you're teaching her she can do what she likes.

redskydarknight · 02/01/2025 16:29

My DC have had their moments, but not like what you describe. And they are always pulled up for rude behaviour.

I'd worry that there was something else behind it. Sounds like she had to change schools in Year 9 (why?) and then was bullied for 2 years. Are you sure things are really ok now? I'm wondering if it's her frustrations from other parts of her life being expressed in your direction as she can't express them anywhere else.

Original poster
holidaysoonplease · 02/01/2025 16:54

Thank you everybody for your replies - so helpful in gaining some perspective!

To answer some of your questions:

If she's always been "high maintenance" how did than manifest and how was it dealt with? When she was little she was always very emotional, very upset at nursery and school drop offs - we always did what we could. I tried to encourage her to get involved in physical activities (gymnastics, swimming etc) and also confidence building things, like drama club. She was very creative so my DP would spend a lot of time drawing with her. We also spoke to her many times and tried to help her with her emotions, and her primary school also helped speak with her.

Reason for the move - It was a big move away from London and closer to my DP parents. Sadly both have passed away in the past year, and whilst this could be part of the behavioural problem, my DD appears quite cold and unempathetic to my DP about his huge loss. This is confusing us at the moment.

The bullying and did I get help at the time - yes, I spoke to and visited the school many times, and arranged for my DD to have a course of counselling. She was taught some techniques to help her manage the situation and her emotions.

"I hear this rubbish at work so often from parents who don't want to parent and think schools will do the job for them." - Interesting comment, my mum is a retired secondary school teacher and says the same. She has said this to me for a long time, so I've always tried to instil the right behaviour and not leave it to teachers to parent for me.

Have you asked her how she would feel if someone spoke to her the way she is speaking to you? Yes we have asked this question, and she just shrugs.

Have you asked her if she would be hurt especially if it were someone she loved? As above, we have asked this question, and she just shrugs.

How is she behaviour wise at school and with other adults? Generally fine at school, and rarely gets into trouble. She is doing well academically. With other adults, it is starting to seep through, especially with my wider family.

Can you maybe see if she would engage with counselling or any mental health support, it sounds like she's struggling. Has the bullying stopped? Does she have friends and hobbies? She doesn't want to do any counselling, doesn't see it as helpful. Yes I think the bullying has stopped, although there was an incident with a boy sending inappropriate messages to her on snapchat which I have told the school about and reported it to their safeguarding team. She does have friends now, which I'm really pleased about, and its what she desperately wanted.

OP posts:
ForZanyAquaViewer · 02/01/2025 17:06

holidaysoonplease · 02/01/2025 16:54

Thank you everybody for your replies - so helpful in gaining some perspective!

To answer some of your questions:

If she's always been "high maintenance" how did than manifest and how was it dealt with? When she was little she was always very emotional, very upset at nursery and school drop offs - we always did what we could. I tried to encourage her to get involved in physical activities (gymnastics, swimming etc) and also confidence building things, like drama club. She was very creative so my DP would spend a lot of time drawing with her. We also spoke to her many times and tried to help her with her emotions, and her primary school also helped speak with her.

Reason for the move - It was a big move away from London and closer to my DP parents. Sadly both have passed away in the past year, and whilst this could be part of the behavioural problem, my DD appears quite cold and unempathetic to my DP about his huge loss. This is confusing us at the moment.

The bullying and did I get help at the time - yes, I spoke to and visited the school many times, and arranged for my DD to have a course of counselling. She was taught some techniques to help her manage the situation and her emotions.

"I hear this rubbish at work so often from parents who don't want to parent and think schools will do the job for them." - Interesting comment, my mum is a retired secondary school teacher and says the same. She has said this to me for a long time, so I've always tried to instil the right behaviour and not leave it to teachers to parent for me.

Have you asked her how she would feel if someone spoke to her the way she is speaking to you? Yes we have asked this question, and she just shrugs.

Have you asked her if she would be hurt especially if it were someone she loved? As above, we have asked this question, and she just shrugs.

How is she behaviour wise at school and with other adults? Generally fine at school, and rarely gets into trouble. She is doing well academically. With other adults, it is starting to seep through, especially with my wider family.

Can you maybe see if she would engage with counselling or any mental health support, it sounds like she's struggling. Has the bullying stopped? Does she have friends and hobbies? She doesn't want to do any counselling, doesn't see it as helpful. Yes I think the bullying has stopped, although there was an incident with a boy sending inappropriate messages to her on snapchat which I have told the school about and reported it to their safeguarding team. She does have friends now, which I'm really pleased about, and its what she desperately wanted.

You haven’t said what the consequences have been for her poor behaviour?

Original poster
holidaysoonplease · 02/01/2025 17:10

ForZanyAquaViewer · 02/01/2025 17:06

You haven’t said what the consequences have been for her poor behaviour?

Show quote history

The consequence has been to remove her access to the internet. Interestingly on Christmas Day (when she didn't have access), she engaged with us much more positively, and we noticed a decline in behaviour as soon as she was given access back.

OP posts:
ThejoyofNC · 02/01/2025 17:14

Each to their own but I'd take away her phone permanently. Why doesn't she respect your authority? Do you regularly relent on punishments/not follow through?

candlelightees · 02/01/2025 17:15

As a teacher there are some incredibly rude entitled teens. They are also some lovely polite grateful ones.
Sadly the former are becoming more prevalent in recent years.

I wouldn't say it wasn't normal but also it sort of is by todays standards.

Original poster
holidaysoonplease · 02/01/2025 17:20

ThejoyofNC · 02/01/2025 17:14

Each to their own but I'd take away her phone permanently. Why doesn't she respect your authority? Do you regularly relent on punishments/not follow through?

I'm not sure why she doesn't respect my authority - I've always tried to help her and have advocated for her in difficult situations. DP and I don't undermine each other and follow through with punishments. Not sure what else we can do.

OP posts:
Borntorunfast · 02/01/2025 17:22

OP, for a bit of balance: my DD has trouble regulating her emotions. She has very "big" emotions; she feels things more and struggles to process emotional stuff at times. This leads to outbursts, and swearing etc. This doesn't make her a bad person, nor me a bad parent. She knows it's unacceptable and we are working on strategies and she's having ongoing counselling.

My point is that it sounds like there's more going on - beyond simply being a teenager - and you'll have to do some detective work to uncover what, exactly. For us, it was an autism diagnosis (she's high-functioning; we had no idea). For your DD it might be cyber bullying, grief, a hangover from being bullied... who knows. But get to the root of it, and you'll hopefullly be able to help her regulate her behaviour better.

Arglefraster · 02/01/2025 17:24

My kids don't get an unlocked phone until they're 16 & then it's limited to what I would think of as awake hours. If she’s better without internet access then why don't you restrict it more? Either a daily use limit or the phone itself?

I would also investigate whether she's looking at online because all the "aspirational " stuff makes people feel less than they are as adults to an immature brain it's damaging.

Does she do anything physical/that puts her in her body? My teens are infinitely improved by physical activity (even just a daily walk).

Swearing at you etc is absolutely unacceptable, please expect the respect you deserve. If nothing else think of it as modelling to your daughter how she should expect to be treated Flowers

Borntorunfast · 02/01/2025 17:25

(For info we're disciplined and strict parents, never tolerate bad behaviour etc. and that worked a treat for our eldest but not at all for our DD. All the posters saying lay down the law do have a point, it's important to have consequences, but they probably haven't experienced a child for whom consequences just don't seem to matter. It was baffling to me, until we got to the bottom of why.)

CremeEggThief · 02/01/2025 17:31

My DS was often breathtakingly rude to me, and a lot of the kids in my area are well, feral to be blunt. Think joyriding, stealing mopeds and deliberately getting chased from the police and then shouting stuff about other neighbours like "Let's go back and smash up that bitch who grassed on us (CCTV) camera"! from aged 12/13.
So it is very sadly "normal" in my own experience and you're not alone, OP.