Is it normal for teenagers to be SO rude?

[holidaysoonplease]

My DD (15) has always been high maintenance, but for the last 6-8 months her behaviour has been terrible - swearing, aggressive, confrontational, manipulative and incredibly rude. Some of the things she says are so rude, I would not have dared to talk to my parents this way when I was her age.

She went to a new school in Year 9 and was bullied terribly, but it has been ok since being in Year 11, which has coincided with an escalation of her poor behaviour. I totally get that teenagers can be difficult, but this seems really over the top to me, and nothing we do makes any difference (apart from a total shut down of her access to the internet).

I'm really worried, but not sure if I'm overthinking it and this is actually really 'normal'?

Am interested in others experiences of this stage.

When she yells at you walk away, go make a cup of tea. My teens know I went engage with drama so they need to calm down then approach me when ready for a conversation. If they’re struggling with emotions (dd2 in our house) they can come for a hug. That doesn’t mean behaviour is forgiven but it’s what dd needs sometimes then we can talk through reaction at a later point… hours later not moments.

i don’t personally think screaming back and removing a phone has a helpful impact. My dc worst punishment is me ignoring them. I will not tolerate being spoken to badly by anyone. Dd1 tried once. Threw stuff in her room, screamed etc. I just stood there and when she stopped I said calmly “absolutely not, that’s not how we communicate. Tidy up, take a breath and I’ll be downstairs when you’re ready to be civil.”

this worked for us - but all dc are different. Dd2 has yelled a bit (can count on one hand) and said “I may as well kill myself then” - once all was calm we had a serious chat about that one and how throwing that around is blackmail and not okay.

Thank you for this - really appreciate your thoughts.

I am not victim blaming in any way, shape, or form here, but sometimes bullies have a 'nose' for a child who is neurodivergent and will target them. I want to emphasise that it is done because of the bullies' own issues, not anything the target does or says or how he or she looks. But they sometimes sense a small difference and go for the jugular.

Sometimes the slings and arrows of teenage school life are too much for ND girls. They can function well academically, but the shifting sands of cliques, the unspoken communication(meeting of eyes, eyerolling, little silences, etc), the uncertainty they face every day on a social level can be overwhelming. I would urge you to read a bit on teen girl high functioning autism and see if you think the situation warrants an assessment.

Do you have complete and unconditional access to your daughter's phone? If not, I'd strongly suggest getting access. I'd make it a condition of her having a phone, in fact.

Are you sure the phone you are aware of is the only phone she has?

Is there any linking of her mood to her menstrual cycles? PMS can cause beastly behaviour but it can be dealt with medically.

If she can engage with you more agreeably when she doesn't have internet access, either there's something going on that she can't cope with on the phone (or phones), or she has some issue that prevents her from compartmentalising phone and family.

No, it’s not normal. Pushing boundaries and being a bit stroppy is normal, swearing at you and being rude goes beyond this.

Consequences need to have an impact on her and be long-term. “You get your internet access/phone back when you pack in the awful behaviour and start treating your parents with some respect.”

If need be, ground her, and mean it.

So sorry to hear this - sounds awful.

How did the bullying stop and what are her new friends like? I'm wondering if they are the same people and if your daughter has joined them/started acting like them, to stop the bullying, which sadly is quite common.

The last incident was caught on CCTV in the school canteen and once the teachers had viewed it, the bullying stopped. Annoyingly the school didn't follow up with me so I'm not exactly sure how it played out. I've met her friends once, they seem to be nice.

I have wondered myself if she has joined forces with those who bullied her but I don't think she has.