13yo is watching P*rn

[lovefromplum]

I have a son who is 13yo. A few months ago, while he was showing me something on his phone, he accidentally opened his twitter/X account (which he is not allowed to have btw) and it featured actual pornography! I didn't even think that was a thing but anyway.

I stayed calm but told him that this kind of content is not for children his age. We discussed that it is natural to be curious about sex but that porn is not an appropriate place to explore those curiosities. We spoke about how addictive it can be and that most porn is explotitive and degrading to women.

He looked embarrassed but seemed to understand. I made him uninstall the app and thought that was the end of it.
But recently I saw him viewing pornography stills that were sent to him by a friend and later discovered he was back on twitter/X viewing porn AGAIN!

I honestly don't know what to do. Is this just part of being a teenage in 2025 or should I be trying harder to stop him being able to access this? Did I handle it badly the first time? Any helpful advice or insight welcome.

Give him a non internet accessible phone and no other internet access unless it's in a communal family space.
Also point out his friend who is sending him pictures could get into MASSIVE legal trouble.

You honestly don't know what to do? Seriously?

You take his phone away and replace it with a basic one with no internet for a start.

Smart phones are a privilege, not a God given right.

He isn't mature enough for a smart phone so provide him with a basic feature phone instead.

But yes, for lots of children even if their parents have locked down on parental controls there will be another child with more lax parents that shows them porn on their phone at the back of the bike sheds / at the park. It's not ok and they need to be taught at the start of secondary that it's not ok and why. Toxic masculinity etc is a massive issue in schools.

You can change your broadband settings to block pornography sites and also block specific websites etc. You can also get parent control apps to add to your sons phone so he can't install apps without your permission.
But there's not a lot you can do to stop your sons friends sending him stuff or potentially accessing porn outside of the house.

You can minimise things - yes but unless you remove his smartphone altogether there will always be the risk he will seek out inappropriate stuff.

At the very least you need to be locking his device down so that he can't access this stuff.

He's clearly curious and actively looking for it, why do you think parental security exists?

You could make him watch a documentary about the porn industry with you. A teachable moment he'll never forget.

Stop his internet access. He only gets on the internet supervised.

Get rid of his smartphone and make sure he only has a phone that can text.

Install good blockers on your router so that nothing inappropriate comes up when he searches.

Why haven't you already done this?

Hi Op - I work in the field of online harm. Firstly - do not shame him. It's really really important - if you can - that you talk to him openly and say it's natural to be curious about sex. But that once he sees extreme porn he can't 'unsee it' - and it is not 'normal or healthy'

Just have as many blockers as you can at home - does your router block porn?

please don't take his phone away - that is a 'punisment' - and lookig at porn is NATURAL - what is NOT natural is porn itself.

Stop him seeing it but don't shame him for being interested.

This is hard one, I wouldn’t want to shame and punish him as looking at this is very natural for teenagers. Not saying I agree with porn or sex under age….but they are going to do it regardless so you have to make it as safe as possible. Put extra blocks on your internet, and have another conversation around porn, different types, consent etc

This is why Twitter is absolutely awful. You can block porn every which way but it won't be picked up via Twitter/x. I don't know how it can be allowed in all honesty!

Thank you! Some of your responses were very helpful.

To answer a few questions;
Yes our Internet at home blocks pornography however twitter is not a porn site so seems to let this slip.

We used to have "family link" security so he had to ask my permission to download apps however his original phone broke and he is using an older second hand phone which is no longer compatible with this - if anyone knows of another family security app please share.

I have thought of taking the phone away but my partner feels this is going to make the situation worse and make him more secretive in how/if he accesses it in the future, also preventing him from coming to me if he does come across something harmful/traumatising. I get both sides to be fair but wanted to see what other strategies people had to offer.

I only get one chance to deal with this and want to do it right. As a child from a very violent and controlling household I know how these events can shape the person you become, your relationship with sex and most importantly the relationship you have with you parent. I want to do the best I can.

This is a place to ask for advice, no?

We all have different life experiences that make us equipped or ill-equipped to deal with certain life scenarios. What seems simple to you might not be for someone else. It also doesn't make your approach right.

I'm intelligent enough to know that there are people with wider knowledge/experience on this topic who can give me strategies that have the best outcome for my child. I'm also open-minded enough to listen to those strategies before making my decision.

If you can't be constructive or respectful in your approach to giving advice, I'd say it's not for you.

Thank you for sharing your expertise! Your comment was really helpful. I have spoken to him as I want the channels of communication to stay open.
I hear what you mean about not punishing him but i have to admit it was my first instinct - so I took a breath lol

Shall I just keep having the same conversation? Is there somewhere else I can signpost him to so he knows the dangers of viewing porn?

I think After The Party should be compulsory viewing in all sex ed classes.

https://www.barnardos.org.uk/blog/how-does-pornography-harm-children

there is a link in this page to how to talk to kids about porn

it's such a minefield isn't it. Even though I work in this area I find it very hard to know how to deal with also.

A senior police officer told me that the only answer is block, block, block on phones/ routers etc - they will still see it but won't have a chance to become addicted or watch a lot of it.

If your router doesn't block twitter, you can get internet security programs that have child safety components that can block individual sites/apps like Twitter. The one I have can lock multiple kids out to different degrees depending on their different ages/emotional maturity. It is on all their devices and I can lock them out at a touch of a button when it gets to a certain time or if they aren't allowed on. I can also locate their devices using it.

what is the safety prog you use? @Choconuttolata - have been trying to use the Apple ones and they are absolutely shit.

Used QUstudio for a while but child kicked and moaned about it saying it was embarassing as it sends lots of messages to the phone - was hoping for a more subtle one.

My 10 year old has an iPad and she used it to play Roblox. I found that strangers were messaging her on it. Luckily nothing untoward had been spoken/exchanged. Despite parental controls and chatting etc, no amount of talking seemed to convince her to stop playing Roblox. So I've now had to 'lose' the iPad and we don't know where it is. The only way I could solve this problem. Cold turkey is sometimes the only solution.

I think you probably need to set up tighter Internet controls so that his phone can't download twitter. Not sure you can stop his friends sending him screenshots or photos which is worrying but as others have said don't tell him off about it, it will just become taboo and more enticing to him. Just make it harder to access. Keep talking about what real women look like and what makes a good partner etc and what makes a dysfunctional relationship.

I’d have been much harsher than a chat. I’d have removed his phone completely and I’d be reporting the friend to school or to their parents’. This is exactly why children shouldn’t have smart phones. Have you read The Anxious Generation? Not saying your son suffers from anxiety but the book is really about smartphone useage and teenagers and basically this kind of technology negatively affects their brain development. I’d recommend reading the book and being much much harsher on what he is doing with his time. One of the key points of the books’ research is essentially that parents today are terrified of allowing children out into the real world but totally slack with the online world. I was reminded of that when reading your post. He doesn’t need a smartphone and by giving him one I think you’re putting him at serious risk to be honest.

The recent Chanel 5 programme should show you exactly how quickly a 13 year old is exposed to extreme porn, self harm, abuse, mysogony etc by just going on these apps not even needing to search for it.

Wanted to add aswell I disagree with the pp who said removing his phone would be a punishment that wouldn’t be fair to him - he had a twitter account that wasn’t allowed and deliberately hid it. It’s not about negotiating at his age it’s about keeping him safe, away from damaging videos, content, blackmail risks, online gambling and people who he doesn’t know. It’s also about educating him in real socialising, real emotions and real feelings that keep people’s behaviour in check as their brain develops and learns good behavioural patterns. None of this happens online or on a screen. Shame is an important social emotion that allows people to distinguish what is socially acceptable in a group or not. This is exactly the sort of emotion he should feel and that his parents’ should explain he feels this because he did something unacceptable that is not for his age and against rules that have been set. He breaks the rules, he is discovered, he feels ashamed, he faces some kind of punishment. That’s a great example of the defend and discover cycle working as it should for a developing brain that has tested boundaries and gone too far.

You partner is a fool then. Your child didn't come to you did he? You accidentally saw it pop up. Then you told him he couldn't go on X and to uninstall it he went on again anyway. Why do you think he's going to come to you if he sees something harmful? - and if porn isn't harmful at 13 then I don't know what is. The chances are he's just going to think he can handle it himself, as he has with the porn.

These are just excuses of poor parenting used by people who can't bear to take their child's phone away.

Microsoft family safety app,

Give him a basic old-type Nokia phone for keeping in contact. Remove the smartphone. That way, he still has a basic phone for messages/emergency contact, but cannot access the net or Twitter.

And btw, your partner is a neglectful disinterested fool who is making excuses rather than step up and parent. I wonder if he will use that excuse to avoid responsibility regarding alcohol? Heroin? Meth? Your partner clearly doesn't see porn as a problem hence his complete disinterest in parenting his son. PLEASE don't listen to him, please step up.