Had it to here with 15 yr old

[BrokenByTeens]

I divorced verbally abusive XH just over two years ago. In many ways one of my daughters has seen a vacancy and stepped into that role.

She has so many good qualities but is deeply angry and controlling, and will do whatever is necessary to start a row so that she can be the victim. All learned from Dad. Obviously she refuses to engage in any therapy.

We are due to drive to skiing for the rest of the holidays. I spent yesterday buying socks/thermals etc, and new ski gear for her which was required.
When I got home two things happened- she heard me on the phone to my BF (kids know he exists but haven’t met him, she tells me I’m a whore for dating), and then oldest came home and 15 year old really started goading about how she got everything and they didn’t. Then we should all look at her…because . Even by her standards the level of obnoxiousness was off the charts. I lost my temper.

I really don’t want her on holiday. She will ruin the 4 hour drive there and back, will comment the whole time that she is the best skier, we’re all an embarrassment and so on. Frankly, I want to punish her in a way that will set a new tone of asymmetric escalation on her behaviour. Every accommodation of her has only made her worse.
The 18 year old is studying child psychology, so I get a running commentary about what a shit parent I am from her just to really stoke it up.

I have only 2 possible thoughts.
(a) Make her travel by public transport
(b) Tell XH he needs to do some parenting for a change (usually he can do a 2-3 hour stint max. He does fuck all, but lives within walking distance) and that her holiday is cancelled, along with her phone.

In terms of other stuff, she is quite immature for 15, is doing well at schools and sports, so on the outside is doing well.

Any suggestions?

You say she learned her bad behaviour from your ex. You talk about her like you hate her. She will feel this. Work on your relationship with her, meet her needs and her behaviour will improve (speaking from a parent of a teen with adhd who used to smash up the house).

You can't out argue a 15 year old. You can't fight fire with fire.
They are stroppy know it alls. It's rarer to find one who isn't.
But parenting that is about de escalation. All that will happen if you are trying to combat her attitude with anger, is that she will have even more attitude.
You must remember that however mature she looks she's still a child. It's harder for her to emotionally regulate. Alot of what seems like controlling or arrogant behaviour will be coming from insecurity and anxiety. You compare her to your ex.. but that is an adult man. This is your child. Try not to react with anger. Because thats what she's doing. And it will become an endless cycle of her winding you up and you blowing up and her being hurt by that so acting more angry herself.. etc etc So how will that ever end?
Don't argue with her. Parent her like you would a toddler. Calm closed phrases. Don't engage with nonsense. Don't be goaded into reacting. Disengage if she starts kicking off. Like a toddler, ignore tantrums. Don't react. Address it when she's calmed down and don't address it in an emotive way. Just say factual things. "Don't speak to me like that" "no that won't be happening" etc.. say them in a calm level tone. Don't make eye contact. Leave the room if she starts to carry on. And have very strong boundaries.
Try not to let the things she says trigger you. She won't really believe 90% of the nasty stuff she says, she's doing it to provoke you to push boundaries and test your reactions. Just pick your battles.
It's irritating if she's constantly complaining and saying bravado or disparaging stuff to everyone.. but is it really worth some big battle? Are you really going to stop this behaviour by being more nasty back to her than she's being to you? Just ignore it. She needs to learn how to manage her emotions healthily and you need to show her how. You reacting extremely to her just shows her to react extremely to you.
One day she will hopefully move past this. Being 15 is hard. For parents and kids. Remember she's your daughter, a child.. not your twat ex. She's struggling.

This is anxiety. She's angry because it makes her feel vulnerable. She doesn't want you to share a connection with anyone because maybe you'll love her less, maybe you'll leave her or maybe her life will change dramatically in some way she can't cope with. You've been the steady one in her life. Her dad's a dick and has a revolving door of girlfriends. She wants to try and control you because she's afraid of losing you in some way.

I just wanted to come back to this. In the end (because of dull logistics) she came with us in the car. And was fine.

The holiday was great for all of us, we had time to be together, and I also got half days with the 15 y.o. plus the other siblings who haven’t been mentioned.
She wasn’t perfect, (none of the kids were) but for her, her behaviour was really good. We laughed a lot, together. The kids themselves said how much better it had been than our last holiday, and that they wanted to have a nice time as a family.

Even in the evenings when I spoke with bf for a few minutes, just checking in, she behaved OK. She could hear that I was speaking but not what was heard.

As an adult, I know that I can parent more effectively when I have that positive time away from them, and actually her siblings see that too.

I listened to a podcast about how to handle angry teens and the official advice is to de-escalate and re-iterate the boundary, and move on, but asks what does a punishment bring? Punishment is an escalation when you’re trying to de-escalate.

So that’s where we are now. Not easy, but still working together to safely get her to adulthood.