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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Xmas day with family

50 replies

Flyhigher · 26/12/2024 00:08

My DD 17 announced at 9pm that she would watch a film with us and go out to see her friends. She said she would see them for an hour. I did get upset.
My dad died this year and I think Xmas day is for family. Spent all day looking after elderly parents. 3 of them.
She went out with them on Christmas Eve. Till midnight.

She never goes for an hour so I said ok then go now and be back by midnight.

She was so vicious and nasty. Called me q victim.

Her tongue is really vicious.

Anyway.

Am I unreasonable expecting her to stay home on Xmas day?

She hurts me so much.

OP posts:
mitogoshigg · 26/12/2024 00:25

I think if she's been home all day then watched a film at 9pm, it's then fine to go out with friends, it would be around 12 when the film ended surely and quite frankly bedtime for me! (Yes I'm still awake as dsd is unwell and we are all in the same room due to disability/ needing supervision )

Lighteningstrikes · 26/12/2024 04:26

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

Unfortunately some teenagers are very selfish and rude. It’s very hurtful.

Also, it’s late to be going out, unless her friends are very local.

Ladybyrd · 26/12/2024 05:21

She's 17. I would say "Have a nice time."

MumChp · 26/12/2024 05:24

Why shouldn't she? Leave her some room. It's her Christmas too.

BunsenBurnerBaby · 26/12/2024 05:31

It’s this thinking that makes people hate Xmas day. I can’t stand the expectations other people bring to what I should do on Xmas day. Sounds like she spent all day with you and was actively watching a film with you too; why do you need her there all 24 hours? She spent the day with you; let her go see her friends.

Octavia64 · 26/12/2024 05:34

Yeah she spent all day with you.

I'd have said thanks for spending the day with us, now go and enjoy yourself.

ThewrathofBethDutton · 26/12/2024 05:54

Sorry to hear about your dad, also it’s tough looking after elderly relatives but, in the kindest way possible, why should your daughter need to be around such misery for a full 24 hours too?

It sounds like respite from it all to escape it.

You sound like you are having a very tough time, you can feel the misery and suffering in your post.

Snugglemonkey · 26/12/2024 06:14

I don't see any issue with her going out for a few hours.

Phase2 · 26/12/2024 07:05

At 9pm she would watch a film and then go out? No, my 17 year old would not be going out at 11.30pm on Christmas Day, or any day - that's when I'm usually collecting them from friends. If they wanted to go earlier they'd have to make travel plans as we've all had a drink but provided it was safe no problem.

Fleetheart · 26/12/2024 07:07

Personally I would be happy with her going out if she was going to be so nasty.

Original poster
Flyhigher · 26/12/2024 07:07

She was out with friends Xmas Eve.
Till midnight. Same people.
She sees my mum about twice a year.
She can't be bothered to go see her. Refuses.
But accepts presents.

It's one day to actually spend time with us after she asked for and we bought her lots of presents

She does nothing to help. Not even filling or emptying the dishwasher.

She makes me dislike Christmas Day now.

What is the point. When she's so selfish.

Where did the fun go on Xmas day.

She doesn't care about anyone but herself.

My dad died this year and she couldn't give a shit. Her friends were round here two days ago till 5.30 am. From 7pm. That's fine. No problem. They were noisy and kept us awake. Till 4am.

I drove 300 miles to pick up my mum and back.

The same friend didn't speak to her for 3 months and worse told her that she was a horrible person. We supported her all summer with this.

Then Xmas day after seeing these people on the 21st and 24th.
She then goes Xmas day to entertain these people. While she can't be bothered to spend time with us at all. She got up late has to be asked to come down many times. Hanging around for her to grace us with her presence.

Gets presents goes upstairs.

I think it's just one day.

It's another hurtful thing.

It's fine. She will obviously do this from now on. Every year.

So much you are forced/ bullied into by your teen.

We create magic for her while she is fed up ( she was really fed up for a week before Xmas) but can't be bothered with us on the day.

If we hadn't had the elderly there I think I'd be less concerned as we'd have actually the whole day.

Anyway. Fine. This is the pattern now.

I wouldn't invite kids to my house Xmas day without inviting parents too.

I'm certain that mother would hate her son leaving her house on Xmas day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flyhigher · 26/12/2024 07:11

It wasn't that bad with elderly parents.
Just a bit boring.
My mum kept making little criticisms of me.

Fine.

She will go out on Xmas Eve and Xmas day.

It's ok. It's fine.

OP posts:
modgepodge · 26/12/2024 07:15

if she watched a film at 9, presumably she didn’t go out til at least 10.30? Assuming you’re ok with this on any other day (safety etc) I don’t really see the issue, what were you planning to do as a family at 10.30pm?

a lot of the other behaviour you describe isn’t great but honestly going out at that time doesn’t seem to bad for me, as surely everyone else was off to bed?

FrenchandSaunders · 26/12/2024 07:17

She’s 17 not 7. I don’t see the harm in her going out.

BCBird · 26/12/2024 07:24

I'm.in my 50s. World has changed soooo much. As a teenager we would not have been allowed to.behave in such a way. Not blaming u OP, I think as a society the balance has tipped too much in minors favour at times. No excuse for being rude. I would sit her down and speak to her about this and what you want her to do around the house. Lack of consideration re noisy friends needs to be addressed too. Your mom making sly digs- that not ok. Perhaps nxt time there is just the 2 of u, u tell her to stop. Christmas is hyped up to be this wonderful family time and fortunately for many it is, however it is not like this for all. Make sure it is Christmas on your terms nxt time. Say what it will be in advance. That could be that you don't cater? Can someone else do it or you go out? . Today, mske sure u spend some me time doing what u want..

Original poster
Flyhigher · 26/12/2024 09:24

Apologies for rant.
Upset.
I need to get over it!!

Being a mum / daughter is just squashing shit down all the time. All day! Even Xmas day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flyhigher · 26/12/2024 09:25

She's 17 yes and could go see her grandma more than twice a year when I have to force her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flyhigher · 26/12/2024 09:30

I just think that Xmas day is family.

We don't see my mum that much. She lives 300 miles away.

OP posts:
littlemissprosseco · 26/12/2024 09:39

I’m sorry you’ve not had the Christmas you wanted.
But I think you’re confusing your wants and needs, with hers.
She won’t understand how it feels to lose a parent, prepare a wonderful Christmas for everyone,drive 500 miles, and have the dreams of the perfect Christmas that you do.
To her, you probably gave her a good Christmas!! She sat with relatives for a while, had good food, watched a movie. Then just wanted to pop out to see friends.
I have four young adults/ teens, and over the years, we’ve all agreed that we simply need to be more tolerant of each other. It takes work from all sides but it does help in situations like this. So she won’t feel got at by you, and you won’t feel taken advantage of by her.

socks1107 · 26/12/2024 09:45

When my daughters were 17 I didn't expect them to be home at Xmas. One worked last year when she was 17 and then saw her boyfriend.
You're not the centre of their world anymore and that's normal. If she'd spent all day with you it wasn't too much to go out. (My 21 year old went out at 9 last night)

StMarie4me · 26/12/2024 09:59

You are so dramatic. Way to drive a wedge between you IMO.

Teens can be like this. If you behave like an adult she'll come back to you. If you don't, she may not.

Gingerisgoodforyou · 26/12/2024 10:03

I don't think going out at 11 is the problem (as long as she'll be safe). Butbi do think the rest of her behaviour is unreasonable. If you've done everything else then she could at least help set the table/ tidy up.

When you're calmer today, maybe sit her down and discuss what you're unhappy about, with some expectations for her. Good luck.

Ladybyrd · 26/12/2024 11:31

Your house, your rules. If my kids were keeping me up because their friends were coming over, I'd be knocking on the door and telling them to keep it down and they wouldn't be bringing them back again for a while. On the flip side she is a teenager, almost an adult, and will want to be with her friends irrespective of whether you like them or not. If she wants to bring them back to the house they need to toe the line and that's what I'd be laying the law down about. I'd also highlight that she's being rude and ungrateful to GP and point out that she should make more effort to visit since she won't be around forever.

A lot of this seems to stem from you putting more effort in than you're getting back and feeling resentful, which is understandable. I have tried to overcompensate for a complete lack of effort on my parents' part for years, but I am gradually learning to step back. During the Christmas dinner my partner and I put in yesterday DM asked where I got my crackers from. Apparently she was looking for some for the dinner they're putting on today for my DB and nephew. A dinner we had never been invited to and knew nothing about. So I look at all the table, and all the crap and all the effort, and I just smile to myself and think fuck this shit. We need to stop over compensating for crappy behaviour from other people.

I would question whether you really want to make that 300 mile round trip next year if your mum is making niggly remarks and upsetting you. Maybe she finds it tiring too and doesn't really want to do it? You are not compelled to. Same goes for DD. If she isn't appreciative, I think you need to focus less on making the magic happen for her and more on yourself. I would scale back on the effort and presents. I would focus your energies on those who mirror them - maybe your partner? Personally I'm done wasting my energy on people who are at best rude and ignorant and at worst deliberately hurtful.

Motheranddaughter · 26/12/2024 11:34

Sounds fine to me
Trying to force them to stay with you 24/7 will simply push them away

HowCanItBeNearly2025 · 26/12/2024 11:48

StMarie4me · 26/12/2024 09:59

You are so dramatic. Way to drive a wedge between you IMO.

Teens can be like this. If you behave like an adult she'll come back to you. If you don't, she may not.

Totally this! Op reminds me of my in laws. My parents took the opposite approach - I remember coming back one weekend from uni and after two nights catching up with home friends thinking maybe I should spend some time with my parents. My Dad walked in the lounge and said “what’s up - have you had a row with your friends or waiting for a lift?” I said “ooh well if you’re offering a lift”…
i went home after uni for a few years. My DH managed 6 weeks and started feeling desperate after 2 days. We went for summer hols with my parents for years from mid 20s till my Dad died. My DH now can’t bear to see his parents for more than a few hours. They just don’t see him as a separate person and only as an extension of themselves somehow.

its believed that biologically humans may be hardwired to think their own parents and close relatives are stupid from around the ages of around 13-23 and to actively seek out new people. Which would have been a biological advantage when humans lived in dispersed tribes of around 150 - risk the dangers and possibility of death to leave your safe home and procreate with someone not too generically related to you. Who knows how true that theory is but recognition that cutting apron strings successfully is an important component of moving on from a parent-child to a healthy adult-to-adult relationship seems pretty universal. In my experience parents who look to their children to meet their needs love the younger years and not the teen years onwards so much. In the past, people controlled their children through fear, obligation and gate keeping of resources. Those days are mostly gone.