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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Xmas day with family

50 replies

Flyhigher · 26/12/2024 00:08

My DD 17 announced at 9pm that she would watch a film with us and go out to see her friends. She said she would see them for an hour. I did get upset.
My dad died this year and I think Xmas day is for family. Spent all day looking after elderly parents. 3 of them.
She went out with them on Christmas Eve. Till midnight.

She never goes for an hour so I said ok then go now and be back by midnight.

She was so vicious and nasty. Called me q victim.

Her tongue is really vicious.

Anyway.

Am I unreasonable expecting her to stay home on Xmas day?

She hurts me so much.

OP posts:

Purplecatshopaholic · 26/12/2024 11:55

She sounds like a normal teen to me. Stop trying to force the ‘family’ issue or you won’t see her for dust. You think Christmas is for family, she doesn’t - she’s allowed that view. I’m surprised she watched a film with you tbh.
And stop being a martyr for elderly parents - do it if you want to, or don’t, you have a choice.

TinyMouseTheatre · 26/12/2024 13:51

Octavia64 · 26/12/2024 05:34

Yeah she spent all day with you.

I'd have said thanks for spending the day with us, now go and enjoy yourself.

Looking after elderly relatives is hard work but I'd take the approach of the poster above and wish her well.

Original poster

Flyhigher · 26/12/2024 14:52

My expectations are obviously out of kilter.

I'd we had had a lovely relaxed Xmas day without elderlies might have been easier.

Also my dad dying and her never even FaceTiming him when I asked for the last four years. I found hard.

And not seeing My mum at all. All year.

If she gave more during the year I guess at Xmas I'd be more relaxed.

Anyway. It's done.

Won't expect it next year. Hard though.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flyhigher · 26/12/2024 14:55

I understand apron strings.
She just never goes out with us at all.
Only holidays. And birthday meals.

I see people out with families all the time. All in groups. Always.

Anyway. It's done. Move on. Thanks.

OP posts:

pinksheetss · 26/12/2024 14:57

You're going to create even more issues with her if you behave this way. She's been with you the whole day and by 9pm that days essentially over

At this age teenagers want to spend lots of time with friends, let her.

Cynic17 · 26/12/2024 14:57

She's 17, OP! And she had spent most of the day with you. I remember going for a really boring Xnas Day walk with friends at age 16 because 1) I missed my friends and 2) I was desperate to get away from my family! It's completely normal.
Teenagers need to be able to develop new friendships and relationships, outside the small family circle - it's part of how they find their way in the world.

Cynic17 · 26/12/2024 15:02

And Christmas Day is only "family", if that is everyone's choice. I'm really old and, frankly, that has never been my choice. Christmas Day is a Christian celebration (lest we forget!), and anything else is grafted on to suit people's own agendas.

But I agree that your daughter shouldn't be rude - maybe a few changes are needed for 2025!

TinyMouseTheatre · 26/12/2024 15:04

Flyhigher · 26/12/2024 14:52

My expectations are obviously out of kilter.

I'd we had had a lovely relaxed Xmas day without elderlies might have been easier.

Also my dad dying and her never even FaceTiming him when I asked for the last four years. I found hard.

And not seeing My mum at all. All year.

If she gave more during the year I guess at Xmas I'd be more relaxed.

Anyway. It's done.

Won't expect it next year. Hard though.

Who doesn't regret not seeing more of their DGPs when they were younger? She's not the only one to have behaved like this.

Maybe arrange with her a time to visit her DGM?

Original poster

Flyhigher · 26/12/2024 15:05

I guess I'm Soanish and they are more family oriented.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flyhigher · 26/12/2024 15:06

Got to adjust.
Lots of friends do family on Xmas day.
Anyway. Got to adjust.

OP posts:

Iloveeverycat · 26/12/2024 15:07

Sorry but this wouldn't bother me at all and would say have a good time. I wouldn't expect someone of that age to stay in even if it was Christmas.

TinyMouseTheatre · 26/12/2024 15:11

Flyhigher · 26/12/2024 15:05

I guess I'm Soanish and they are more family oriented.

Perhaps but that's not something that yours going to instill in her late on Christmas Day

Anyway, she did spend all of Christmas Say with you and till quite late.

Don't forget too that the lovely photos you see are just one moment in their day. No photo will show exactly what's going on or how everyone is feeling

EUmumforever · 26/12/2024 15:15

She just never goes out with us at all.
Only holidays. And birthday meals
sounds fine to me at that age!

Also if you are Spanish, I am sure as a teenager (if you grew up in Spain) going out time would have been after dinner, that’s about 11pm or later?

MiddleParking · 26/12/2024 15:18

Your responses on this thread are passive aggressive and martyrish. That really isn’t the way to communicate if you’re looking for closer family relationships.

LifeExperience · 26/12/2024 15:22

From what I can gather, your daughter spent the entirety of Christmas Day with you until late in the evening, then went to see a friend. I don't see a problem with that.

I think your grief is weighing you down and you're somewhat taking it out on her. Your dd is almost an adult, and soon she will get to decide where she spends all of her time, 24/7/365. I have 2 adult children, and I would advise you to stop trying to guilt trip her, or you will see a lot less of her in adulthood. Now is the time to understand that she's on the cusp of womanhood. Her hormones are raging and she is coming into the peak of her physical prowess but her brain won't finish developing for several more years, until she's around 25. What I'm trying to say is that patience and tolerance of her NOW, even when she's aggravating and upsetting you, will pay off in time.

Getting arsey with her or trying to guilt her will drive her away. Tread carefully.

StormingNorman · 26/12/2024 15:23

You do sound like a victim to be fair. A victim of your boring mum. A victim of you daughter. A victim of you own kindness. If you were less of a martyr you’d expect less of other people.

littlemissprosseco · 26/12/2024 15:29

Flyhigher · 26/12/2024 15:05

I guess I'm Soanish and they are more family oriented.

I assume you mean Spanish?

If you’re living in the uk, then you are being even more unreasonable by expecting her to adhere to your family ideal, while bringing her up in a country which has different relationship expectations.

No wonder she’s acting the way she is, and isn’t understanding you. She’s confused.

EUmumforever · 26/12/2024 15:31

Spanish youngsters go out after Nochebuena main family dinner - Christmas Eve, which is the main family celebration

OneOpenMouse · 26/12/2024 17:53

Kindly OP, it seems you are really projecting other issues onto Christmas. Your daughter is 17, she’s only just coming into adulthood. It’s her first try at life too.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 26/12/2024 18:00

@Flyhigher I just wonder what you were like when you were her age???

Dodgydodgydodgy · 26/12/2024 18:03

9pm is acceptable for a teenager to go out after spending all day inside.

This would not bother me or my parents (their grandparents) at all.

In fact on Xmas day we dropped my parents off at their home at 8pm and me and DH were relaxing back at our home chilling by 930 pm. Whatever my teenagers wanted to do after this would have been okay with us. DH would have even taken them in the car when he was dropping my parents off (DH not drinking alcohol as he is on a health kick).

New Year’s Eve we always pick them up from the city centre at whatever time they ask. Hope they do the same for their kids (if they have any).

I prefer my teenagers to live their life to the full and be out and about as much as they like so long as they are passing Uni exams!!!

Sunnnybunny72 · 26/12/2024 18:10

Is her dad around?
I think your frustrations are misdirected.

waterrat · 26/12/2024 22:35

God all this the world has changed nonsense
I'm.nearly 50 and at 17 was 1000 per cent obsessed with being with friends at any opportunity. I also remember being v eager to get out at the end of any family day like Xmas to see friends. It's literally peak age for peer focus

However. It sounds as though she was generally rude and I considerate about being grateful and taking part which is another matter

Original poster

Flyhigher · 26/12/2024 23:39

I'll be ready next year.
I felt like I'd spent all day listening to elderly people repeating things all the time and being difficult.
Have to reassess.

OP posts:

madnessitellyou · 28/12/2024 15:50

I can’t bloody stand Christmas due to all the stupid expectations and out and out martyrdom.

She’s 17. Legally still a child, yes, but at 17 they really should be allowed some autonomy. Even at Christmas. She’s not a baby and the more you guilt trip her, the more likely she’ll be to not bother at all in future. I imagine her response to you was due to feeling frustrated that she wasn’t allowed out having been with you all day.

I have a 17 yo, btw.

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