Life after teens - follow on thread

[Thematic]

I posted earlier but I think I didn't work my question very well, so apologies for the second post. I feel I need to reword to clarify what my question was. So please feel free to read my other post first and then read this one.

My earlier question was about how to cope with the emptiness and grief that comes from your child, who you were everything to, becoming a teenager who needs and wants you less. But as I have received a lot of responses telling me that my teen still needs me, I've realised the misunderstanding. I'm very aware that my teen still needs me and that parenting doesn't stop, it just changes when my kids grow up. But what I want to know is how to make myself happy - how to find myself again, after 12 years of giving my life entirely to my kids.

To give some context, I never really wanted kids so had zero expectations. I never thought of myself as remotely maternal. Then suddenly in my 30's I craved having a baby. And having kids took me a bit by surprise as I absolutely loved it. So I gave myself 110% to being a parent. I gave up my very fast paced and stressful management consultancy job, and started my own business so I could work around my kids and be here for them before and after school. My social life pre-kids was largely centred around going out in London. My hobbies were travel which took up most of my time when not working, and skiing. 5 years ago we moved out of London and started again in a small town. Now I work on my own so don't have any colleagues to hang out with, and most of the people I know here are mum friends who I have the odd drink with but don't feel all that close to.

So now my kids don't swallow up every moment I'm not working, I'm a bit lost. I miss my time hanging out with my littlies, I miss the physical and emotional closeness I had with them when they were younger. But I don't feel like I know who I am any more. My business is quite time consuming but beyond that I don't have any hobbies (or at least, my hobbies are things I still do with my family but aren't really things you can do day-to-day) and I don't really know what I want to do with my time anymore. The things I used to enjoy doing in London (going to private views for art exhibitions, going to members clubs, eating in fancy restaurants) aren't really available in a small town of 20k people plus aren't really financially possible any more, and I also feel I've outgrown that stage of my life anyway. But I haven't found a new life to replace it. I'm really not looking for suggestions for hobbies - I can manage that on my own, that's not the issue. This is more about how to mentally reset myself, how to learn to cope with becoming another new person again, how to work out what I want to be for the next stage of my life.

So sorry for the longwinded post, but this is really me asking for resources (books/blogs etc) about finding yourself as an adult human being again after kids please. Thanks

When your kids go off to uni they need you less and become all independent. When they finish uni and get a bit older they come back to you. As DC they go on holiday with you. Then they grow up.and want to go with their friends. Then mid twenties they come with you again.

Not sure that answers my question though?

I don't know! More focus on work? More focus on relationship?

Would you try the Meet Up app, helps find people to go to events with.

Would you take lessons in something like golf?

Join a hill walking group.

Attend zumba classes?

Do you have a gym membership, somewhere with a spa, so you can pamper yourself?

Any interest in volunteering?

I’m changing career. Bit dramatic maybe but they need me less and so I have more time to explore new options. In the last couple of years I have also joined a choir. Time to remember what you like doing!

could you try a group language class?- you have to talk to each other as practice and I’ve found it very sociable without the pressure of having to ‘make friends’

I've met up with old friends again but had to accept a bit of travel to do so. I've also tried to get to know mum friends better. It's not easy though. Choir has worked well for a couple of my friends.

I can relate to this a lot , mine sound like they're way older than yours (25, 21, 17)

And I've felt it really profoundly since the youngest left school.

I feel a real emptiness and loneliness and still haven't got it figured out.

Feels a bit like I've been dumped by a friend group 😂

We have a really close relationship but it's age appropriate ie I'm no longer the centre of their world.

I started having kids very young at 18, so my whole adult life I've been mostly consumed with being a Mum.

No major tips , just solidarity ! X

Get a dog. I’m not being flippant - they’re wonderful and they don’t leave wet towels on the floor or dishes in the sink.

Do you have friends to go to parties with, bbqs, visit theatre in London, have a curry and wine, visit European cities for long weekends. I do all that a lot and it fulfills me a lot.

No, not really. Sounds nice but I grew up a long way from where I live now. and now live a long way from where l lived 5 years ago. Everyone is scattered to the 4 winds. I just do have that sort of gang.

I'm allergic

If you can find something you do with the teens that is nice too - I can go to the gym with one and the cinema with the other

Thanks. I'm glad I'm not alone. A lot older than you, but I think I started a whole new life with kids (it really didn't fit with my pre-kids life and most of my pre-kids friends still don't have kids so it's hard to go back to that group) so I feel the same way

I think you worded this one much better @Thematic

Finding 'you' outside of being 'mum' must be something we all go through eventually.

I think it's probably worth thinking about a 3, 5 and 10 year plan. You used to like travel so when teen is properly independent in 10 years you are free to go travelling again so perhaps in the interim work towards that, maybe you want to go to a far flung place you've never been for a extended holiday you could spend the intervening years learning the language etc.

Actually, the travel has continued with the kids- we've taken out kids all over the world!

Reframe it as successful parenting as surely it's more upsetting to have a teen who is scared of life and there are plenty of those. Time to explore your life again without the need to be their everything. Start to build adult relationships with them .

You say you don’t want hobby suggestions but it sounds to me like you need a new hobby or two. Could you try out a bunch of things as a sort of new year resolution and see what sticks? Really deliberately try all sorts that you don’t even think about normally. Even if you hate most of them you’ll hopefully learn something along the way.

It's gradual. Find one thing. I remember feeling really lost and having no idea what I liked to do (and I had a great career, ran, had a great relationship, so that sounds odd, but I definitely recognise the transition you are talking about). At first, as young teens, I found I had more time and more freedom, but I still couldn't go far or for long, I needed to be available, like being attached on a kite string. I started with really small things, but things just for me, like going to a once a month local cinema night. I developed my running and trained for a marathon. We tried some other sports. Developed nice weekend routines. I am not super social, but more recently, as they got nearer to flying the nest, we go to gigs more, meet up with some friends from pre kids, go on holidays. I'm volunteering again now. Teens do need quantity time though, even if they don't seem to.

I think you need connections. I know you said not to suggest hobbies as you will find your own. So I will just say some hobbies lend themselves to developing friendships more than others. My DH and I have joined running groups and CrossFit gym and they have more social events on than we can possibly go to. My DH was pretty lonely and now he people to spend time with. Runs are open to everyone and inevitably end up at a cafe or a pub. We’ve made some close friends and are friendly with all the rest.

I feel the same. Never planned to have kids, biological clock when from tick to tock, and I just loved it. We even had one more after a 5 year gap because I wanted it to continue. So we’ve got teenagers and a younger one. I am finding hard letting them go! I am enjoying time with just my DH thought.

I’ve done a post grad diploma. Next plan is to have weekends away with dh so we balance family time with couple time. I still have 13yo twins who hang out but dd1 is soon 17 and she’s home less (as is naturally) so we’re adjusting to being a family of 4 on day trips when dd1 doesn’t come. It’s weird.

I think it's really common- you spend years wanting a bit of time to yourself and then you get it and can't remember who you are/what to do with it!
I've had empty nest syndrome for a while (even tho kids still at home) just because they are v independent/have lives/jobs etc etc.
I think I kind of re- learned how to make my own fun- painting, writing etc etc - I'm very content and they do occasionally hang out unprompted with me which is lovely but i guess I had to give myself a bit of a life makeover. I do hear you - it's a funny stage to go through I think. X

Oh, that is a shame.

Can you deepen your friendships with local mum friends? Must be some who are likeminded? My life would be super dull without my local friends lol met through kids. Kids aren’t still friends but we are.

Truthfully, I find the friends thing as an adult really difficult. I was always a bit of a tomboy, and preferred hanging out in mixed sex groups (I work in a predominantly male career and studied engineering at uni). I've never really liked big groups of women. But I'm not sporty and there are very few adult hobbies other than sports where you get to hang out with a mixed group. Women don't tend to look fondly on you hanging out with their husbands I've noticed. I'd like to join a quiz league but I live in a small town and there isn't anything like that round here, and I don't think I've got it in me to organise one myself. Mum friends wouldn't generally be my first call for company if I'm honest.