Life after teens - follow on thread

[Thematic]

I posted earlier but I think I didn't work my question very well, so apologies for the second post. I feel I need to reword to clarify what my question was. So please feel free to read my other post first and then read this one.

My earlier question was about how to cope with the emptiness and grief that comes from your child, who you were everything to, becoming a teenager who needs and wants you less. But as I have received a lot of responses telling me that my teen still needs me, I've realised the misunderstanding. I'm very aware that my teen still needs me and that parenting doesn't stop, it just changes when my kids grow up. But what I want to know is how to make myself happy - how to find myself again, after 12 years of giving my life entirely to my kids.

To give some context, I never really wanted kids so had zero expectations. I never thought of myself as remotely maternal. Then suddenly in my 30's I craved having a baby. And having kids took me a bit by surprise as I absolutely loved it. So I gave myself 110% to being a parent. I gave up my very fast paced and stressful management consultancy job, and started my own business so I could work around my kids and be here for them before and after school. My social life pre-kids was largely centred around going out in London. My hobbies were travel which took up most of my time when not working, and skiing. 5 years ago we moved out of London and started again in a small town. Now I work on my own so don't have any colleagues to hang out with, and most of the people I know here are mum friends who I have the odd drink with but don't feel all that close to.

So now my kids don't swallow up every moment I'm not working, I'm a bit lost. I miss my time hanging out with my littlies, I miss the physical and emotional closeness I had with them when they were younger. But I don't feel like I know who I am any more. My business is quite time consuming but beyond that I don't have any hobbies (or at least, my hobbies are things I still do with my family but aren't really things you can do day-to-day) and I don't really know what I want to do with my time anymore. The things I used to enjoy doing in London (going to private views for art exhibitions, going to members clubs, eating in fancy restaurants) aren't really available in a small town of 20k people plus aren't really financially possible any more, and I also feel I've outgrown that stage of my life anyway. But I haven't found a new life to replace it. I'm really not looking for suggestions for hobbies - I can manage that on my own, that's not the issue. This is more about how to mentally reset myself, how to learn to cope with becoming another new person again, how to work out what I want to be for the next stage of my life.

So sorry for the longwinded post, but this is really me asking for resources (books/blogs etc) about finding yourself as an adult human being again after kids please. Thanks

I do not know if I can answer your question. Struggled myself when mine turned 13. My little dog saves me with the love she still gives me. You are basically getting older regardless of if your teens need you more or less. It is time to find out how you want to live your forties/ fifties. I know the emptiness after teens grow up. I tried to remember how I was as a teen and realised I was even more distant to my mother than mine are. So at least I know is the way things are.
I am grateful I still live in a big city with many things happening at the same time. Once you are comfortable with the new normal you would naturally start doing your own things. I love travelling so doing more of that by myself when I can. Visiting friends and family to catch up after years of looking after my kids and home. Children are lovely and you are their hero after they are teens their friends are the centre of their world. I am glad I was there for them when I was their centre and I am still there for when they need me. That would always be there. I wish you find new things to fill the gaps and embrace the new freedom.

Not sure that any advice will work because this is such a personal journey and one of discovery with ups and downs. What works for one doesn't work for others. It's also multi layered. All I would advise is to have a go at different things and then move on if they don't work for you.

I think many of us are in the same boat. I can tell you what I tried and what is working or not working for me.

I really ramped up my career and make an effort to travel more now. I also work with men mostly and I do enjoy the opportunity to spend so much time with a very diverse group of men. My husband doesn't mind luckily!

I have tried to cultivate relationships with my mum friends. I dislike groups and especially mum groups so do it all individually. I make the effort as I do get something our of it. I wouldn't say they are best friends but it's nice to go to the cinema or dinner or coffee occasionally. Or even a long walk.

Dh and I have started yoga last year. We are not sporty but it's nice to feel more flexible and it's been very beneficial. I dread it sometimes because I am tired from work but I remind myself how much my body has benefited.

I tried other things but they haven't worked so far. Pets are an excellent suggestion. I think it's about fulfilling some of the caring needs. I do have cats and they are my babies now!

Travelling is also a good one. We also did travelling with the kids but its comoletely different. Travelling as a couple of with friends feels completely new because your mindset will be different.

I hope.this posts is helpful. I am very much at the beginning of this journey and it's not easy but you have to make yourself try things to find what works for you.

I'm not sure it's a case of mentally resetting yourself, more a case of finding things that take up the spare time and emotional investment.

I started volunteering when my youngest left for uni, and that helped a great deal.

There are many volunteering options but it's a case of what's available in your area and what you can fit around your working hours...
Guide dogs (puppy raising, fundraising, fostering older ones in training)
Community cafes
Age Uk befriending service
Youth clubs
Guides/brownies
Food bank
Canal trust

But “mum friends” are basically local women. As the kids grow up the mum thing becomes less key. Admit I’ve been fortunate and met a brilliant lively group through playgroup /primary and we do so much locally on a weekly basis (theatre/paddleboarding/lunch out/walking trips/festivals/parties/bands). Actually the opposite of you am over the emotional and practical support demanded by kids as want to do things with Dh and my friends.

I'm in exactly the same situation and have the same sense of grief.
Are you with a partner/husband? One thing I've really enjoyed is reconnecting with my husband. For 14 years we've been parents first, partners second. Everything has revolved around the children. Now, for example, at weekends, we want to do something as a family but can't drag the kids out, so we do something as a couple instead. We go out for lunch together, we go out for a nice walk, we go to the cinema. It's a completely different dynamic when the kids aren't there. It reminds me of the early days when we got together. Not only is it lovely but it's important. I realise that in a few years, the children might leave home. We need to invest in our relationship because soon it will be just us.
I also like doing things on my own (nothing fancy or expensive) going into the city, seeing a band, going to an art gallery. Sometimes I get on a train and visit another town, just to potter around. My parents are now old and frail. In the past, I'd see rgrm with the whole family. Now I often visit them alone and that's nice. Without the children there I can help them more, focus on them rather than entertaining the children.
Another thing I do more of now is seeing friends. When the children were little it was more difficult. Now they're older I more frequently meet friends for a day in London, for example, or gave a night away.
It is sad when your children start to pull away abd it's a massive change. However, it also opens up other opportunities. You need to find new interests, focus on yourself and your other relationships.

Some women do throw themselves into parenting and are subsumed by it it becomes their “thing”. But it’s only ever a life stage.

I'm not really sure what that brings to the discussion.

5 years ago you chose to move out of London, to a very small town,

(what were the reasons you chose this place specifically, somewhere small? ). and haven't made any friends. Really? Have you really tried? Gone to bigger nearby places for quizzes, joined local town Facebook groups. My town is similar size, loads of things going on.

I have a 12 and a 10 year old, so they were 5 and 7 when we moved - the last 5 years have been spent pretty much building my business and working around my kids evening activities, there hasn't been a lot of time left for anything else. So I have made friends, but they are what I'd consider to be mum friends - nice but brought together by circumstances rather than shared interests and not necessarily the people I would have chose if the circumstances were different. I generally prefer hanging out with guys if I'm honest, but that's a lot harder now than it was when we were all younger and single.

The move here was about the kids - better schools, a walkable town, cleaner air, bigger garden, less likely to be mugged than in London but still close enough for us to be able to go to work in London where our offices are (though we work from home). I like the town, I don't regret moving. But it is small and isn't London and I did have a very London life before kids but that largely involved socialising, drinking, going to fancy bars etc. But I think I've moved on from that now and don't envisage going back to that lifestyle. So I'm very much in a new phase - you ask whether i've tried, but to be honest, no I haven't really as I really still don't quite know how to be me in this new life. My life phases were 'glamourous girl about town, and then mum, and now what? Small town life is still rather new to me, and the people are quite different to the people i"ve been friends with in the past, the activities are very different to what I've enjoyed in the past. I'm having to learn this completely from scratch.

This is the biggest town in the area and otherwise the nearest big town is London, but whilst that's only 20 miles away, it's an hour on the train. All my old friends are already there. But that's not going to help building a local community. The community here is very sporty so a lot of what is going on is sports based (running clubs, cycling, triathlons) which I really have no interest in, and there are a lot of choirs but again not really my thing. I'm struggling to find my people at the moment. I've been very consumed with parenting for such a long time, and now I need to learn who I am again.

I have teens
I have changed jobs with a view to becoming much more senior in the next three - five years
so I’m investing in myself and career
more time for socialising and doing things I want
it’s actually been liberating
I still worry about them, they still need me but the freedom I have to leave the house and do something for me without worrying about childcare, buggies, nappies etc is something to embrace IME

Sounds like you have not found your tribe. They must be there somewhere. Are there not any local women you met through kids that you click with?

This is so unhelpful!

Im not there yet op but I think about this a LOT. I have this thing where my entire life I’ve been desperate for babies and my own family. Not entirely sure why. It got even more so when I lost a close family member. I’m academic and worked hard, found some interesting jobs although never really found a ‘career’ as such. Loved travel and art, culture. Finally got to have my babies and even though it’s the hardest thing ever it’s been so meaningful for me. It’s my everything. I’m now a sahm and already I’m thinking about our last baby and the fact that once it’s done it’s ‘done’. I know it’s sad and pathetic of me, but nothing gave me the high of a newborn and caring for small children. So although im earlier in the stage than you, im curious for the replies.

How is your relationship with your partner? What about pets or volunteering? I know it’s not the same but I wonder if that will evoke new passions.

Also so many of these replies are incredibly unhelpful… as a woman this can’t be an unusual experience!

Teens are very hit and miss. You plan something and they drop out to see friends. You think you are going to start a big work project and a head pops round the door "mu-um" ...

There might be volunteering opportunities locally or carboots to declutter childhood toys etc. or online gaming

You're very critical of the engagement you're getting on your thread.

You don't have teenagers, you have pre-teens, if you genuinely feel grief at losing something with 10 and 12 year-olds I think you need to look inwards rather than out, and look at counselling to unpick that.

I think the age they are now is actually very tricky, an older teen is out and about all day or can be in the house all day. At 12 you don't want to do that yet, so you're in the house together a lot but doing separate things.
Things I've done, joined a book club, joined a gym, started a yoga class, joined a local Facebook group "townname girls club" which has meet ups.
These things are an hour or two out of the house which a 12 year old is ok with.
I'm basically trying to make as many local connections as I can, in the hope that friendships will grow from some of them.
Also, I do go out by myself e.g. cinema or walk with an audiobook or podcast.
Its a tricky phase, I think just try a few things, see what's going on locally there might be more than you think?

Have you thought about volunteering to listen to children reading in your local primary school?

It's honestly lovely. In my local school, you get allocated to read with the same group of children for the whole academic year, so you build a relationship with them and it's so nice to see their reading improve over the year. The reading tends to be with the younger ones (aged 5 - 8 or so) and they're very sweet. The children are usually pleased to see you and enjoy their one-to-one time reading with a friendly adult outside of the classroom.

Try it - most schools are delighted to have extra help, and it really is very enjoyable and rewarding.

I also wonder if maybe a career change or new opportunity there might help? Maybe you need a more maternal job?

I work when my kids are at school, so daytime volunteering is out I'm afraid. I try to be available when they're home so just work school hours. It's a nice idea though. I think I'll have to do evening things - after 7pm really.

I've started a new business in the last 5 years and I actually really love my work so I don't think a career change is on the cards. But I work alone which can be a bit lonely. Growing the company will help - it'd be good to employ people so I have colleagues I think. I'm actually not terribly maternal with other people's kids though, its just my own that I like 😂

Agreed, its a really funny age. I have to be here most of the time and my life still revolves around them, but when I'm here they just want to play fortnite and ignore me!

I have a good relationship with my husband, we're very close. But he's also very entranced with the kids, and truthfully though he hasn't said anything, I think he'll take it hard as well. But together we're trying to do a bit more than we used to - go out a bit more without them, and hour or two here or there. Baby steps.

I think with any major change in your identity you just have to sit with it for a while, think about what your core is, what your values are and then try to go from there.
There are similar transitions throughout life. For me a big one was loosing my work (which had been quite central to my identity) & changing countries. In some ways getting a different perspective on yourself is likely to become really valuable so I'd advise spending a bit of time with it.
Am currently in a similar stage (teen kids) and am quite enjoying it as although I loved having young kids the intensity of it didn't really suit me. The teens are fun, we hang out but not as much, they can teach me things (make up, music, A level subjects etc). I'm not looking forward to them leaving home so that will be more of a big transition for me.

I definitely haven't, that's the truth. I think the biggest problem is that before kids I never really hung out with women all that much. I had a few female friends who didn't know each other who I saw individually, and a mixed gang of friends who all hung out together, but most of my closer friends were male. I work in a very male dominated industry and studied science and engineering so it's just the way life worked out. I'm not really that great at hanging out with women and never really know what to talk about. But making male friends unless you join a running club (no chance of that happening as I have terrible knees) is so hard in middle age.