How to cope with the emotional transition involved with having a teen?

[Thematic]

My DS is 12. We've always been really close but recently he's changed a lot, becoming stroppier and more distant as I'm sure is perfectly normal at his age. I know it's normal but that doesn't make it any less hard. But I'm not here to complain and I'm not asking about how to cope with having a teenager exactly. The thing is I've realised I'm feeling a sort of grief for the life I seem to have suddenly lost - the life of being needed and loved more than anything in the world - the life of being the entire universe for this one little person. I never really wanted kids until I was in my 30's but when I did I found something so wonderful that I loved so much and I gave absolutely 110% to it. And now it seems to have suddenly been snatched away and it just seemed so fleeting and I'm sad that it's gone already. I don't suppose I saw it coming really and perhaps I should have been more prepared. That coupled with perimenopause and I just feel tearful all the time So I was wondering if anyone could point me towards any good books/blogs etc that might be helpful in coping with this grief and working out how to navigate the next stage of my life so that I can rebuild something that makes me happy without my entire universe revolving around the kids?

Embrace it, this is the next step, trust me they still need you but in a different way. Be proud of the independence they show.

I am, that isn't the issue. The issue is that I miss him, I miss the closeness we had, I miss the cuddles and physical intimacy. This is about me, not about him.

I suppose you need to give what he needs, not what you need. He definitely does still need you.

I'm similar, single parent to one child so my life has literally revolved around her for the last 15 years. Now she's making plans to see the films at the cinema that we would have seen together etc or meeting friends for coffee on a Saturday morning. I've started focusing on myself a bit more now she's old enough to be left home alone in the evening so pursuing my own interests.

We still keep some things for just us - largely I expect as they are expensive so for us that's trips to the theatre and eating out.

I really like Lisa Damour on Insta. She has multiple books about parenting teens, but I just watch the Insta bits and find it really helpful. It is a transition and I think a tricky one.
Do you have plenty of things in your life that aren’t about your kids? Sorry, that sounds a bit rude, and isn’t meant that way. But I’m enjoying more time to have hobbies etc that has felt impossible while kids younger.

They still need you just as much. But they have a funny way of showing it....
They still need supporting, mentoring, directing, influencing - (and money) even if you THINK you're not having much effect on them, you really are. But you won't find that out until they mature into their late teens and early 20s and turn into lovely kind people with good values.
The teenage years are the time where you never drop the rope. You have to work hard at keeping that connection- whilst allowing them to grow into their own person. It seems their friends and peers are a bigger influence... but under the surface, your teens are taking in all the messages you're sending.

I disagree to a degree. I need to give him what he needs, but I also need to find a way to give myself a rewarding and enjoyable life. Life is to be enjoyed not endured. My question is about how I build a new life for myself whilst being a good parent. I'm not looking for parenting advice.

It’s really hard- parenting is like a long slow break-up. They need you and love you so much in the beginning and that process of separating themselves from you and becoming their own person is messy and painful but it’s also completely necessary.
I’ve really struggled with it at times but I suppose it’s given me space to get back to some of the things that I loved before I had children and find new hobbies and creative outlets. When the kids were little I would have killed for an hour to read in the bath or a long walk in my own, so I just make sure I enjoy that space and time now.
He is only 12, he still needs you very much. My eldest is nearly 19 and living away at Uni now. I miss him but he’s having a fantastic time and this is how it’s supposed to be.

Thanks but I think you've misunderstood my question - I think maybe I haven't worded it correctly, I wish I could go back and edit. I absolutely know all that stuff , the parenting isn't the issue. This is about how I make myself happy and find a new life for myself now that parenting isn't my all any more. This is about my life away from my kids.

Honestly no. Parenting was such a pleasant surprise that I threw myself into it with both feet and kind of gave up on everything else. I really wanted to be able to take the kids to school and pick them up and be there after school every day and as I run my own business, that took up pretty much all my time when I wasn't being a parent. I'm not really sure what I like doing anymore. I'm not even sure where to start. Life used to revolve around socialising after work really but we used to live in London and I used to work for a big company and now we're in a small town of 20k people and I work on my own, so a lot of the things I used to like to do aren't really that available anymore and I don't know a lot of people all that well other than 'mum friends'. Its a whole new beginning.

Ah Ok. I started by doing all the things I'd longed to do for years but couldn't as a widow with young kids. I joined book clubs, joined a gym. I really enjoyed having headspace.
i encouraged their independence- they organised their own school lunches, uniforms , social life. We didn't have a car so they became independent at getting around to friends etc- buses/walking/ taxis/ organising their own lifts etc.
So, encourage their practical independence and branch out in your own social/ leisure life. think about the things you might have had to give up or pass on whilst your child was younger.Hobbies maybe a promotion or a change of career?? What did you like doing before you had a child?

My DD left for uni this year and everyone was saying how it'd miss her and be bereft... of course I do miss her (she's my youngest) but it's been liberating too!
I know you aren't there yet but as soon as my kids weren't so reliant on me I got back into doing things just for me - some things i did with DD in the past and as she pulled away (and got very busy with exams) I actually felt guilty doing them on my own but not anymore. I do crafting workshops and will start a stained glass course soon - that's the kind of thing I'm interested in.
Reconnect with any friends you've let slip a bit - don't be shy, just call them!
Do you work? If not can you do some volunteering? I'm thinking about this at our local children's theatre. Anything that will give you a sense of purpose outside your 'mum' role.

Well, it’s the usual things - career, hobbies, health & exercise, wider family, friends, charitable activities, faith and spirituality.

If you are feeling somewhat down in the dumps what aspects of life would cheer you up most?

For me it’s planning amazing holidays - think of the things you can do now your son is older, I have a Bucket List until dd1 is 17!

And cooking, exercise, connecting with friends, reading, gardening,
home improvements.

And brushing up on algebra so I can help dd with her homework!

I think it's important to like teenagers, even with stropiness. Find new things to enjoy about them like being more able to share grown up conversations and jokes, if you can. Identify if there's any things teens might like do with you, if only occasionally - going to a favourite restaurant, or theme parks, or just getting in a takeaway together.

I'm finding it quite exciting if I'm honest. I'm not the me I was at 23 when I had DD. And working out who I am now outside of 'mum' is interesting.

I'm not sure I want to go rock climbing, kayaking or wild camping anymore which I did before her. And I need to find a new approach to physical activity, and I'm definitely more 'fair weather' than I used to be.

I know I like going to the theatre and eating out.

I like logic puzzles and I like to read.

My music taste are pretty much the same although I'm finding myself swapping out my old favourites for more modern artists Avril / Olivia Rodrigo, Lady Gaga/Chappelle Roan, Taylor well I've always loved her. Spotify tells me I also like Celtic / Witchy / Sea shanty type music too. Which makes me smile as my GDad was always listening to his 'Fiddley dee' music.

I'd say "don't take it personally" covers a lot of bases when parenting teens.

Also don't make it personal - as in, it doesn't help to be so introspective about it. There's still a long parenting road ahead of you both.

I too miss the days of having my little boy jump up and wrap his arms and legs around me and cling on like a little monkey, but sometimes nowadays he'll just walk into my room when I'm at my desk and throw his arms round me, or when I'm cooking dinner. And we've replaced physical closeness with conversation - when he decides he wants to share something with me I embrace the moment and put aside any other distractions to listen.

It's the end of the beginning, not the beginning of the end.

Yes, it's a different type of closeness. Personally I don't miss being needed, now my oldest is 16 and very socially active I (and their brother) do miss doing stuff as a family because you need to book them weeks in advance to do anything! Still, it's a better outcome than having a teen in their room in their phone 24/7 I suppose.

I think 12 is probably the hardest age because they don't want to hangout it with you, do any of the things you used to do together but are still too young to be left alone. I actually found it quite lonely especially as I only work term time. Once mine got a little older I started leaving then at home on their own. Me and my husband did more together, I went to the gym etc... Once they get to 15/16 it changes again and they need you more! Although there's also a lot of ferrying them around now and other teenagers hanging out in my house. I think each transition is hard in different ways. We've had a new baby recently and my teens are now very excited for occasional days out again, taking them all to see Santa Sunday! I'm guessing it will be a bit like this when I have grandchildren 😂 💜 🤞 X

Start gradually as this gets harder as they pull away, start to figure out who you are as well as a parent and what you enjoy doing and start to do that - getting the balance is tricky as you'll always be out when they need you and sat twiddling your thumbs waiting for them in reverse

It's a balance - but being an interesting independent person makes you more attractive to be with as they start to choose who they spend time with - so that dinner with Mum is cherished not seen as a burden, theatre, music, walks etc it's about being genuinely you and good company for them
It's bloody hard and most will go through it at some point

I have teens, I agree it's a transition period. I've started going to 'back to netball' having not played netball for over 20 years. I also like running and reading. Also, I agree with a pp that you can think of things to do together (which obviously won't be the same things you used to do). My DS1 can always be tempted with breakfast out in a cafe, and DS2 and I watch Taskmaster together.

You're allowed to feel sad about the changes of phases of your DS. But you do have to rediscover yourself as a person.
What are your interests and hobbies? It is actually quite liberating when your kids are able to get themselves places and fix their own meals. You get chunks of time back.
Think about things you struggle to find time for - finishing a book, getting on top of the garden? Going to the gym?
If you miss the feeling of nurturing - volunteer for something where care is needed.
Early teens are often a big lurch towards independence and kids need space from their parents to develop more of a sense of self. Don't hold on too tight and he will come back. Teens still need connection and physical affection. One really interesting change as the parent to a teen (and previously two step children too) is that you become a different person to them too. They get to know you as more than a care giver and it's an opportunity to talk about more interesting topics and do more 'grown up' things.
I loved my DD's younger years but the teen years have been great in different ways. Personally I think teens still hugely need their parents and you get a lot back from them - but the ages of 12/13/14 can be hard work. I do voluntary work with teens and young people. 9-11 is brilliant, 12/13 it's all about their peers, 14+ they seem to remember everyone else still exists..15+ are brilliant again! 😁

OP I could have written this post, and I truly understand what you are saying. It's just sad isn't it. I am a few years ahead of you and please know that the grief does tend to subside, but in my case I needed to go through the sadness and loss before I was able to reframe and come out the other side. I now accept the "new normal" and am enjoying the new relationship. I embrace their friends and popular culture and offer a lot of lifts. Their friends seem to talk to me and we joke around a lot. Good luck. It's a hard stage for sure.

Lower your expectations
Still include him/find common ground
Have your own stuff going on- hobbies, friends etc

There will be a few years where he pulls away but if you maintain friendship it will come back when he's older