How to cope with the emotional transition involved with having a teen?

[Thematic]

My DS is 12. We've always been really close but recently he's changed a lot, becoming stroppier and more distant as I'm sure is perfectly normal at his age. I know it's normal but that doesn't make it any less hard. But I'm not here to complain and I'm not asking about how to cope with having a teenager exactly. The thing is I've realised I'm feeling a sort of grief for the life I seem to have suddenly lost - the life of being needed and loved more than anything in the world - the life of being the entire universe for this one little person. I never really wanted kids until I was in my 30's but when I did I found something so wonderful that I loved so much and I gave absolutely 110% to it. And now it seems to have suddenly been snatched away and it just seemed so fleeting and I'm sad that it's gone already. I don't suppose I saw it coming really and perhaps I should have been more prepared. That coupled with perimenopause and I just feel tearful all the time So I was wondering if anyone could point me towards any good books/blogs etc that might be helpful in coping with this grief and working out how to navigate the next stage of my life so that I can rebuild something that makes me happy without my entire universe revolving around the kids?

I thought I'd be ok as I'd done what they say you should do, kept my career going, hobbies and a social life. But I realised my social life still mainly revolved round my mum friends and volunteering at the DCs sports etc clubs (we moved here just before becoming parents so didn't know anyone locally but made friends through the DCs). So nearly all my social life consisted of mum friends, and mainly talking about the DCs. Which has been a lifesaver in many ways but as they grew up I needed to separate a bit from that. There was some disruption due to the pandemic and mine are older now but what has helped is hobbies and volunteering in entirely non-DC-oriented roles. I have an allotment, am a school governor (my DCs have left school) work in a local conservation group and ad-hoc with one or two other groups. So I now, for the first time in many years, meet people outside work who don't have DCs the same age as mine and we talk about all sorts of other stuff. It has really helped me adjust back to being me and not just someone's mum. Still do things with the DCs, but my life no longer totally revolves round them.

OP, I understand, I have posted similarly several times.

The grief I feel at my children getting older can be all consuming. My sons are 14 and 10, the grief started when we left our family home of 9 years, the change (which was unwanted) triggered it. when the boys were little we were in our world, everywhere we went it was just us, I can't really describe it, it was sometimes like no one else was around. My 10 year old and I still get that to a large degree, I dred the day he leaves primary school!

The grief washes over me, sometimes it'll go on for weeks, then subside for a few days, it comes and goes. It's a deep feeling in my chest, it feels devastating.

What you feel is very real and all you can do is make the most of the time you have now. We didn't know it then, but we were living in the good old days. Your child is still young and still needs you.

Something about this post is just icky.

Grief?? He's not dead. He's growing up.

Physical intimacy?! So have you used him as a surrogate husband if you're a single parent?

I have kids a similar age and my relationship with them is great. Yes the usual teen drama but she's also still my daughter, as the others are still my children.

All sounds too enmeshed and frankly weird. Life changes, you change etc etc.

Can't imagine being grief stricken and desperate for "physical intimacy" from my children.

So just because you can't imagine it, it shouldn't be a problem for anyone else?

You win "least helpful post of the day", @TouchOfSilverShampoo 🏆

OP you sound a little intense which will very likely push a teenager away so I would be careful with that! Parenting will look different, but my 14 year old still wants a lot of my time, we have some shared interests, we go to the cinema together, we have tv series we watch together, we go to the gym together, but the days of snuggling on the sofa are gone! One of his favourite things to do is go get a hot chocolate. I think this is why teens are expensive 😂

@zaxxon Hardly unhelpful if it gives the Op a different perspective. But I hope you at least felt better for getting your passive aggression off your chest.

And I'm sure I don't feel alone in the way this is being approached. She's too intense and reliant on her child for a meaningful relationship and that's toxic and weird.

@TouchOfSilverShampoo I feel so sad for you that you don't understand. Much as the kids growing up is leaving me feeling a little low at the moment, there is nothing to be ashamed of about physical intimacy with your children and it definitely isn't 'icky'. It's cuddles and snuggles and tickling and joy. It's holding hands when you walk to school. It's them coming to you to be held when they feel sad and knowing that your presence grounds them and makes them feel safe. And it's wonderful.

I'm a very happily married woman and as a family we are all tactile - my husband included. My boys are enormously tactile with each other. They still sit snuggled up on the sofa watching tv. And I wouldn't have it any other way. So I'm really sorry that you seem to have missed that with your own kids. It truly is one of the best things that life has given us all. It has allowed the children to grow into kind, gentle and emotionally stable young men of whom I am very proud. I note that you use 'enmeshed' as an insult. Perhaps this says more about you than it does about me? Personally I find the fact that our family are emotionally enmeshed to be beautiful - why should anyone be ashamed to be close to their children? Being judged as 'icky' 'toxic' and 'weird' is frankly quite offensive.

I grew up in a physically (and reasonably emotionally) distant family which it sounds like maybe you have, and now as an adult, time with my parents is something that is endured and not enjoyed. Our relationship is transactional lacking in depth. I hope that is not how things end up for you as it's a great source of sadness. That is not the way we have chosen to parent our children and I'm confident that the strong foundations we have built will result in a closeness with our adult children when they get older that I've never had with my own parents. So whilst I am currently dealing with some sadness that things are changing, I am also not embarrassed by it and recognise it as a normal part of life. Good luck to you in the future.

@zaxxon thank you for the support.

I understand where you are coming from. DS is 15 and I am a single parent. We are still very close, but it is is different. I think it gets easier as time goes on. I think for me it’s been still finding stuff we can enjoy - football match, TV show, whatever. But also pushing myself out to new hobbies etc. It’s tough because he is the person who I most enjoy spending time with, by far. I think it is ok to feel a bit sad about it but there are great pleasures in seeing them gain their independence. I know it is good for him to see me doing my own thing too

@Thematic Oh I don't feel sad, I'm certainly not. My kids are loved and they know they are. I can just do that without leeching off them and without wrapping my entire identity in them.

This is so mean. Give it a rest

It is mean, totally uncalled for.

It's an opinion - the site is designed to offer differing perspective no?

And I'm not the only one that's picked up on the desperate intensity of the Ops posts.

It's a moral judgement of a particularly closed -minded and repellent nature. Repellent because it boils down to: you're not like me, therefore you're weird, therefore you're wrong and icky.

There's differing opinion and then there is sticking the boot in. Which is not helpful to anyone.

@Thematic I totally understand.

It is difficult when your children grow up and your role as a parent changes.

Quite often we are so busy when they are little that we don't properly appreciate it at the time and then suddenly its gone.

DS1 went away to uni in September and that was honestly one of the most difficult times I have had as a parent.

We are also a very close and tactile family and when you realise that family unit against the world time is coming to an end it is tough coming to terms with it.

When I left home at 18 I never wanted to return and didn't, not because I didn't get on with my parents, but rather that we were so different.

My fear is that my DC will feel the same, what if I didn't do enough to make sure they want to come home.

Only time will tell!

@zaxxon But I do find the Ops language repellent and unnecessary. That's my opinion. But I can't share my thoughts because it offends you - who the post has absolutely nothing to do with.
Baffling.

I agree @Thematic and I miss the cuddles and cuteness.

He was tiny even at 10/11 and we used to snuggle under a blanket to watch a film and he would fall asleep and it was just so heavenly. It's not the same with a 15 year old - he's taller than me now!

We still are tactile but it's not quite the pressing their cheeks into yours kind of hugs.

I must admit I have re-awakened my social life and see a lot more of my friends than I used to - its a lot of fun!

I realise now why grandparents get so smitten when the next generation of babies are born, all that saved up love needs somewhere to go - I guess that'll be our next baby/toddler/small child fix (if we are very lucky!)

Genuinely I really am struggling with your absolutely unnecessary vitriol @TouchOfSilverShampoo What did I say that was in any way repellant? I've just gone back and reread my post and I just can't see anything that should get you so wound up. Maybe you need some HRT 😆

Vitriol 😂

Honestly, so dramatic.

"Wound up" - yet I'm not the one bawling on a public forum about how grief stricken I am over a normal fact of life. But ok!

Brace yourself

I really must remember to stop feeding the Trolls.

I think this is where I'm struggling to a degree. I started my own business a few years ago and turned something I did for fun into a career, so my hobby is now my job. Which I have to admit is very lovely and I'm very lucky to be able to do it, but that leaves a void where the hobby used to be. I also spend quite a lot of time on my own already as I work from home and work for myself and by myself, so I don't really have that need to solitude as I get such a lot of it already. So I think I probably need a whole new set of 'enjoyable' things, as otherwise I just end up working all the time. Which maybe isn't a bad thing as I'd like to scale my company up significantly so I can take on staff - then maybe I'll feel better as I'll have some company!

Yes, I found having an office to go in to (post covid), and some new clothes and shoes, helped me make the transition to a new stage of life and see the changes as positive. It hasn't altered my social life much, but it shifts your sense of self.

It's also nice, in a way, to change the way you interact with the DCs. I miss the sweet small kids they once were, but it's great to be able to laugh with them about things I genuinely do find funny, as an adult. And swear sometimes!

The assumption someone is a troll because they don't agree with you just proves just insular your life is. Gosh.