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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DS1 (16) absolutely vile - what can I do?

46 replies

winterrabbit · 12/12/2024 12:01

DS1 is 16 year old, has ADHD and his behaviour is absolutely horrendous. He has generally always been bad but the last few years have been particularly awful and now he is at his absolute worse. He was asked to leave his original independent school in year 8 for poor behaviour, got excluded from a state secondary at the beginning of year 10 for bringing edibles into school, had a failed managed move then (after a massive battle on my part including getting him an EHCP) joined another school in March of year 10 and stayed there for his GCSEs. He managed to get 965555544 in his GCSEs but only because I got him tutors in literally every subject and we had massive arguments every day because he didn't want to do them (although he did eventually after keeping them waiting for the first 20 minutes of every 1 hour session). Can't tell you the amount of money spent/wasted and the stress involved.

So, he is now at sixth form doing 3 A-levels but has very little motivation. His attendance is 65% - no matter how many times I tell him to go school in the morning, he refuses, mocks my voices, swears at me (f-off), slams the door in my face etc. Makes absolutely no difference. He goes in at least an hour late each day, skips lessons, then comes home around 3pm, sleeps until 8pm, goes out to play basketball and then comes back around 11pm. He is then generally up until 3am (refuses to go to bed), being really loud (bouncing his basketball in the lounge so the whole house shakes (we're in a terraced house so the neighbours also complain), cooking noodles and making a massive mess for me to clean up in the morning. He rarely if ever speaks to me and if he does it's generally to be rude. He also smoke cannabis fairly regularly, including in his room, and won't stop when I tell him to. Literally nothing works with him. I am divorced from his dad who also seems to have no influence over his behaviour - he refused to go and stay with him and I can't physically make him. He also hates his stepdad.

Does anyone have any advice on what the hell to do?

OP posts:

Scutterbug · 12/12/2024 16:02

Is he medicated?

Original poster

winterrabbit · 12/12/2024 16:03

Scutterbug · 12/12/2024 16:02

Is he medicated?

No he isn't

OP posts:

hamstersarse · 12/12/2024 16:03

Where is his dad?

Octavia64 · 12/12/2024 16:05

He's got GCSEs.

That's enough to get him onto a lot of courses

In the circumstances I would be stepping back.

I do have a child with adhd who is older now.
Don't get him up and nag him to go to school. Maybe a levels are the right thing for him now maybe they are not.

My teen certainly found her motivation a lot more after a year out of school (glandular fever) and got very very bored.

Step back.

Try to do something about the noise if the neighbours are complaining but otherwise just leave him to it.

GildedRage · 12/12/2024 16:13

Why is he not medicated?
Was he ever (not talking self medicated on edibles either).
When did he last see the psychiatrist who diagnosed his ADHD?

Original poster

winterrabbit · 12/12/2024 16:17

GildedRage · 12/12/2024 16:13

Why is he not medicated?
Was he ever (not talking self medicated on edibles either).
When did he last see the psychiatrist who diagnosed his ADHD?

He took ADHD medication over his GCSEs. He doesn't like taking it and it never seemed to make much of a difference with his behaviour. We saw the consultant at CAMHs around six months ago and are due to see him again soon IF I can get DS1 to come to the appointment (he generally refuses). In the past all he has done is prescribe medication (and be a good sounding board).

OP posts:

hattie43 · 12/12/2024 16:22

I don't see the point of wasting more energy / upset on him . If he isn't motivated you can't force it . He won't hold down a job even if he can be bothered to apply for one .
Concentrate on supporting other children if you have them .

GeorgeTheFirst · 12/12/2024 16:32

What would happen if you stopped trying to make him go to school, do you think?

I'd definitely remove the damn basketball

GildedRage · 12/12/2024 16:51

i'm sure you have sat with him 101 times.
still some meds need to be available, a type and dose that is acceptable to him to use on days when he needs to focus.
next AM exercise which might need to be when he wakes up but stationary bike, eliptical, treadmill, ideally swimming.
how is his coffee intake? besides cannabis many adhd find some benefit with coffee (although this is a short term solution).
when the timing is right discuss the tone of voice/door slamming see if he can articulate his frustration.
school; is he bright enough that the attendance isn't such a big deal? has he identified a passion other than basketball? it's a frustrating age if you don't know what direction you want to go in what has he considered if anything.

Original poster

winterrabbit · 19/12/2024 10:32

GeorgeTheFirst · 12/12/2024 16:32

What would happen if you stopped trying to make him go to school, do you think?

I'd definitely remove the damn basketball

Not sure it would make any difference. We have a blazing row every single morning with me trying to force him to get up and go and him refusing. I am WFH today and he is still here now. I honestly can't stand it much longer. He does go to school but hours late. His attendance this first term is 48%.

My options are to try to force him to go to his dad's - he'll probably refuse to go or just go for a night which makes no difference as I need a long term solution. Am also thinking about hiring a morning nanny or carer to force him to go. Sounds nuts but I honestly can't cope any longer.

He has an EHCP so I could ask for a short break by way of reprieve. I was wondering whether to do this but not sure how I feel about handing him over to social services. Might help shock him into action.

OP posts:

MugPlate · 19/12/2024 10:38

Drop the rope.

Who pays for the weed?

Halfemptyhalfling · 19/12/2024 10:39

He needs to be doing active stuff not sitting around studying. If he has any practical skills he could do an apprenticeship or join the army. Otherwise warehouse work. Country is crying out for practical people should be loads of vacancies. Take him to the job centre.

In a few years time he might be more mature and see the value of studying but if he doesn't and is happy that's not a problem

MumonabikeE5 · 19/12/2024 10:47

hattie43 · 12/12/2024 16:22

Wow

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 19/12/2024 11:04

Scrap the A levels and basketball.

grumpyoldeyeore · 19/12/2024 11:26

It’s not unusual for them to be hard work and hormonal at that age but it’s hard when it’s affecting their prospects long term. He is supposed be in education or training until 18. He can do 3 years of 6th form even without EHCP so he could swap. If he will go then visit some colleges doing vocational courses or some alternative providers (for Sen or those disengaged from school). These can be great fit but equally he may go and think that actually it’s not what he wants and there is a benefit to meeting his potential via A levels. I would also try and get him mentor through EHCP or at least someone independent with therapy/counselling background. Ask on local FB Sen groups there are so many kids out of education a lot of new providers are popping up. Your council should have an alternative provider list. The weed will be making his lack of motivation worse. But even my DS who ended up with great grades slacked off big time first year A levels. I wish we didn’t do GCSEs at 16 as they are such a boring slog and put kids off learning - most countries don’t test at 16 or assess by all or nothing exams. I think it’s normal to want a break after gcse and not enjoy the first term A levels which is a huge step up. You could ask for a social care assessment as this should have been done as part EHCP and could provide help to you as carer or to him eg mentor.

MopTopInAHop · 19/12/2024 11:50

Has any counselling been successful at all? Have you asked him what he wants to be doing?

InkHeart2024 · 19/12/2024 11:56

Some of this is ADHD, some personality, some teenage selfishness.
firstly stop fighting him to go to college. If he doesn't go he doesn't go, and he gets kicked out.
secondly stop cleaning up after him. Do the bare minimum to make the house habitable but any mess he makes, chuck it in his room to fester.
forget the idea of a nanny FGS. And forget respite, an EHCP doesn't entitle you to respite care. Social services won't offer you anything like that.
do you give him money? If so, stop.

EveryDayisFriday · 19/12/2024 12:02

Take away his electronics, basketball, don't give him money and disconnect the Internet. He earns these rewards with good behaviour.

Don't pester him to go to college but if he gets kicked out he goes to his Dads full time. Dad can deal with him.

Miloarmadillo2 · 19/12/2024 12:13

Following with sympathy because my ADHD son is in Y10 and I can see similar problems ahead. Is he academically capable of the Alevels and was it his idea to do them? My sons’ school won’t take anyone with less than a 6 at GCSE (and higher for some subjects) so if it took a lot of tutoring to get those grades it may just be too big a jump.
What does he want to do when he’s older? Where is he getting money to buy drugs?
The sleep pattern is really unhelpful but how to tackle it is tricky - could you ask about melatonin to help him fall asleep ? If you could get him sleeping 11-7 that would have a knock on effect on a lot of your issues - cooking/noise at night/horrid in the morning/late to school. Maybe ask CAMHS for help to tackle that first.

Cornflakes44 · 19/12/2024 13:01

Nacro is quite good for kids like this. Vocational, hands on courses and they work on attitude and work ready stuff. I'd look at something like that rather than forcing him into ALevels. Respite sounds like a good plan for you and could give him a shock but could also make him feel like his 'safe person' isn't safe anymore. It sounds really tough though.

Gymmum82 · 19/12/2024 13:14

No money. Take a knife to the basketball. No electronics. Stop paying for his phone. If he doesn’t study he gets a job to fund his life. No job = no money = no life. Time to get tough. He doesn’t need to do anything. He can fester in his room. But you won’t be paying a penny for anything

Runskiyoga · 19/12/2024 13:16

You've done an amazing job OP, and he might even thank you for those GCSEs in future.
Gradual big conversations that shift from childhood to adulthood, not too fast.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/12/2024 13:23

Drop the rope massively here op.

His GCSEs are thanks to you already.

He is old enough to make his own choices.

This system isn't working, so what's the value in running your mental health ragged over him?

Original poster

winterrabbit · 19/12/2024 15:59

MugPlate · 19/12/2024 10:38

Drop the rope.

Who pays for the weed?

Dunno. I try not to give him any money at all but do give him a bit for lunch at school.

OP posts:

Tubetrain · 19/12/2024 16:01

No money, no basketball, no wifi, no devices

Home needs to be less fun than school

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