DS1 (16) absolutely vile - what can I do?

[winterrabbit]

DS1 is 16 year old, has ADHD and his behaviour is absolutely horrendous. He has generally always been bad but the last few years have been particularly awful and now he is at his absolute worse. He was asked to leave his original independent school in year 8 for poor behaviour, got excluded from a state secondary at the beginning of year 10 for bringing edibles into school, had a failed managed move then (after a massive battle on my part including getting him an EHCP) joined another school in March of year 10 and stayed there for his GCSEs. He managed to get 965555544 in his GCSEs but only because I got him tutors in literally every subject and we had massive arguments every day because he didn't want to do them (although he did eventually after keeping them waiting for the first 20 minutes of every 1 hour session). Can't tell you the amount of money spent/wasted and the stress involved.

So, he is now at sixth form doing 3 A-levels but has very little motivation. His attendance is 65% - no matter how many times I tell him to go school in the morning, he refuses, mocks my voices, swears at me (f-off), slams the door in my face etc. Makes absolutely no difference. He goes in at least an hour late each day, skips lessons, then comes home around 3pm, sleeps until 8pm, goes out to play basketball and then comes back around 11pm. He is then generally up until 3am (refuses to go to bed), being really loud (bouncing his basketball in the lounge so the whole house shakes (we're in a terraced house so the neighbours also complain), cooking noodles and making a massive mess for me to clean up in the morning. He rarely if ever speaks to me and if he does it's generally to be rude. He also smoke cannabis fairly regularly, including in his room, and won't stop when I tell him to. Literally nothing works with him. I am divorced from his dad who also seems to have no influence over his behaviour - he refused to go and stay with him and I can't physically make him. He also hates his stepdad.

Does anyone have any advice on what the hell to do?

Tell his Dad to come and get him.

This.

Tell him that he clearly has no interest in completing his A'levels so he should leave school and get a job. Stop all pocket money so he can't buy cannabis.

Also tell him you expect him to contribute to his keep from Easter.

Perhaps a reality check will bring him to his senses.

I feel for you massively. I've got a son a year behind yours and aside from the weed and nastiness, mines the same with the same path ahead of him. Firstly, it defo sounds like he needs more intervention from paediatrician/camhs, beg/plead with them, tell them you're at your wits end. Also, would you be able to get advice from a local careers service, without your son's input? They could maybe give you some options/opinions about what's working/not working for him educationally, and then you could maybe have a massive ultimatum chat with your son and you could maybe go back and see them together. Has he thought about getting a job? My son hasn't, and won't ever willingly but it's another thing I'm praying 'might' change his atrocious attitude so I'm setting the ball rolling for that now ready for when he finishes his GCSE's because I want the option of being able to tell him he needs to start contributing to the household to live here, as a threat, because at the moment he contributes nothing and I don't have any real threats to throw at him either. Is your son generally sporty? Could he get a part time/zero hrs job at a leisure centre to try and spark some motivation which would hopefully be channeled into his college life too?

I was going to say drop the rope too!

Let him figure it out, in a few years he’ll be a different person. Maybe he needs to find himself and be alone. That’s frustrating when you’re a teen! Rudeness annd disturbing multiple households is obviously unacceptable, boredom/lack of motivation isn’t unacceptable though.

Social care will not take him for being an inconsiderate unpleasant teen.

Why would a carer or nanny be able to make him get up if you can't?

Ultimately you can't force a 16 year old to get up but you can withdraw helpful services. E.g money, phone conteacts, lifts, WiFi etc

I would grey rock him. If he is rude or abusive walk away.

You have done amazingly helping him get his gcses

I would let him drop a levels and get a job something physical

He can study again when he is more mature

Nit all teen boys are suited to formal learning at this age !

This. Taking away privileges is the only way I've ever managed to get my kids to conform if they're in this heightened state. When they are calm, having a heart to heart and asking them about their feelings sometimes helps too.

An apprenticeship where he has a male boss would be better and one where he is doing a physical activity. There's no point in him doing A-levels if he's not even going into college. I really really feel for you, but don't make things worse for yourself by insisting he does things like A-levels. Suggest he switches to an apprenticeship after Christmas. He might be relieved.

Give up and start warning that he’s moving out at 18 and can do college or work or whatever he wants but he’s not being mothered full time after 18

Tell him he either goes to college or he gets a job and if he gets a job he has to pay some sort of board.

The mess he leaves lying around dump it in his room.

Tell him you are not putting up with it anymore and he either sorts himself out or he lets you help him but this is not how adults behave.

ADHD can be a lot more significant than people tend to think. It can involve a complete deficit of executive functioning skills- which are required more and more as you progress through education. You might be able to tutor your way through GCSEs with poor executive skills but A levels and a degree are another matter.
Executive skills are needed for organising yourself and even getting up and getting on task with the day. It all seems overwhelming because you don't have the ability to do it. Someone shouting at you doesn't suddenly equip you with the skills to do it. Someone turning off the wifi doesn't suddenly make you able to not have ADHD.

ADHD can also involve a lot of emotional dysregulation. Some people just cannot regulate their own emotions. It doesn't matter how much you punish them, or take away their privileges, they're not being naughty- their brain just doesn't function like most other people's.

Please don't drop the rope. I can't believe how many people are suggesting this. You need to hold the rope more than ever. You don't have to accept his shit but at least try and understand where it's coming from.

You can't punish neurodivergence out of someone.

Someone turning off the wifi doesn't suddenly make you able to not have ADHD.

No but OP can't help him if he won't accept help. It might incentivize him to make an effort and work with her rather than against her.

Plenty of people with ADHD manage not to tell their mum to F off every morning. He needs boundaries a kick up the ass

Big lack of understanding about ADHD here. You need to help him accept the medication as it is likely to be the only thing that will help moderate his behaviour. He did it for his GCSEs and could do it again if motivated.

Then he needs to try different ones or titrate up the dose.

Tell him join the army.

ADHD medication is not going to work if he is also using weed. The weed cancels it out. I have had friends that ruined their lives refusing to give up weed even though they knew it meant their medication would not work.

Can he be referred to an addiction treatment centre?

I would stop the morning blazing rows over him getting up and going to sixth form. He is going to keep fighting you and with unmediated ADHD it’s not going to matter if he is in class or not because he won’t be able to focus to learn anything. You are causing extra stress and anger for no gain.

Try and get him off the weed and onto ADHD medications. He’s not in any condition to be attempting A levels.

They won’t take him. The Army isn’t a dumping ground.

I have been where you are and totally get your sense of despair. I would say keep trying and encouraging. With DS though whilst I encouraged I was also clear that at 16 there is a limit to what you can do. You cannot physically drag him to school. With my DS I noted (and kept noting), that going was in his interest and that not going would eventually have consequences. I was also clear I would not enable with money. There were some very difficult events b oth with the school and sadly with the Police at a couple of points. However, working with him and giving him more control did eventually pay off and (having failed badly), he re-did A levels part time and then went to uni. We still have the occasional blip but things are much better. If there is money around can you seek either a private ADHD consultation or family therapy? We tried both and both were in their way useful.

Yeah right. The army will take someone who behaves like that?

Jas he tried elvanse. Get him on that

hattie43

I don't see the point of wasting more energy / upset on him . If he isn't motivated you can't force it . He won't hold down a job even if he can be bothered to apply for one .
Concentrate on supporting other children if you have them .

Dont do this (you talk about money wasted so I’d guess it’s tempting) but do realise that exams are not the be all and end all and you need to work more on your relationship and him wanting to enjoy living as opposed to weed and the other things that take him away. If you both sat in a room together would he just chat? Do you ever have a laugh together? Go out shopping? Watch YouTube? Do board games? Do you cook his favourite food and talk about it? Teens are almost like little kids, they’ve lost the routine and been given so much freedom that they’re drifting and lost. Sometimes I have to bribe my kids to spend time with food, promise of trips to town etc but in our house the biggest problem is screens so it has to be done. I hope things work out op x