Give me positive stories about your grown-up kids!

[jumphigh24]

I am SO worried about my 2 teens, 15 and 17. 17yr has SEN and a terrible experience of education. No qualifications, zero confidence, nothing to do. Has an EHCP but only gets 1hr per week of support. Tried a few jobs and courses but couldn't sustain them.

15yr old has PTSD and MH issues, school refused to support, despite many letters from the GP. Literally all they cared about was attendance and they explicitly said they couldn't make any special allowances or give him any help as they "didn't have the staff". So that all broke down last March and he's been out of school ever since.

They both smoke weed and sleep until lunchtime. Both refuse to do anything academic, despite me trying my hardest to persuade them. They are good kids, helpful, communicative, we actually have a very good relationship despite it all. They have friends, we have the resources to help them get started, learn to drive, go to college...etc.

PLEASE tell me about how your wonky teens "came good" in the end!

What did you do? What helped? What didn't? When? How?

Tough love? Endless support and encouragement?

I need to know!!!

PS. Pls don't tell me to stop all their money, take their phones and turn off the wifi (although I have thought about it) ... the "good relationship" would be gone in an instant, and I think our relationship might be the most useful thing in this whole sorry mess.

Sounds like your good relationship relies on you being complicit in their comfy non productive lifestyles? Maybe that's not right but it's what jumped out.

Signs hard and worrying op.
Sorry I have no advice because my kids are younger than yours, but wanted to say I hope it all comes out ok in the wash and you get some good advice here.

@thymetofocus yes you might well have a point there. If I suddenly did this though, it would all go to shit very quickly. We turned the wifi off a few months ago and 17yo completely trashed his room. Next day he went to bed leaving all the doors and windows open and the lights on. We're in rented ... not ok - its risking eviction. He's got us over a barrel maybe.

If I knew the answer I wouldn't be here..... I'm gonna think about your comment.

Maybe I need to turn the screws very gradually, rather than all at once, so there's no huge reaction?

Why are you letting them smoke weed and stay in bed till lunchtime? Just sounds like you’re blaming everyone else for their issues. You’re not their friend - you’re their parent. They’re not going to magically have a productive life with you enabling them.

@SmugglersHaunt thank you - I wouldn't say I am "letting them". I have confiscated it, searched their bags, given them long "talks". This is ongoing. But I can't keep them under lock and key. And unfortunately there is a lot of it about among teens.

I could wake them at 8am - but then what? They have absolutely nothing to do, and I have to work.

This is a situation that has been evolving for years, and I do accept that I am, of course, a part of it and that I could have done things differently. I need to know what to do next though.... and I am quite frightened as to what could happen if I get it wrong.

I'm finding the challenge helpful, it is why I posted.

The 17 year old needs to be given a timeframe to find a job or move out. Honestly there is a lot of better options than lying around smoking weed, you need to stop enabling him to do that, if not when he turns 18 then when?

Maybe try to get him Jordan Petersen’s book, for all of JPs faults he seems to really speak to young men like this.

Btw you ask for positive stories about grown up teens but I don’t see how useful that will be to your situation but I do have kids of similar ages who are ND who are doing really well and I work with tonnes of adults around the same ages.

I’d be very concerned about the cannabis- in my experience it seems to eventually make peoples MH issues worse. Despite it seeming helpful to begin with, much like alcohol addiction.
Don’t know how you stop them though - how are they funding themselves? Withdrawing any cash you give them might be a start.

@Alibababandthe40sheets I guess I want to know how to "turn the corner" towards a better life for them.

There’s such a strong link between mh and smoking weed. Parent your teens rather than be their best friend. You’re not doing them any favours.

@user6476897654 I've tried this - there's always a mate willing to "help them out" I think - doesn't seem to make a difference. They know about the consequences, risks of other far more dangerous substances being hidden in it...all of it. But I don't think they care :-(

Request a review of DC1’s EHCP. They need more support and provision than they are currently receiving.

Request an EHCNA for DC2. Also request alternative provision in the meantime.

@BrightYellowTrain I hadn't thought about EHCNA for DC2. That's a good shout. He isn't coping, that's for sure.

EHCP review for DS1 ... we had an "emergency" one in August 2023, and I got a written agreement to amend. After MONTHS of me chasing, the Council admitted they had lost the paperwork. So we started again. Easter 2024, 1-to-1 mentoring agreed. Months more chasing. That started in September. The mentor is really excellent.

But literally everything has been a fight, since his EHCP was first issued many years ago. He's never had the provision that is listed in there. I find engaging with the SEN system is always a steep uphill battle. Emails/voicemails don't get replied to, people leave, or go on sick, get replaced, we start again. When the mentoring was finalised, I was made to feel grateful for what we got, I think. It is costing the LA £200ph - I am in the wrong job!

For DC1, have you formally had a finalised amended EHCP? If not, send IPSEA’s model letter because you should have this within 12 weeks of the review meeting. This is important because it gives the right of appeal, which is the route to securing additional support, including therapies. If you have had a finalised amended EHCP, you need to request another review because you need the right of appeal and the appeal window from the last review will have ended.

Going forward, if the LA fails to provide provision detailed, specified and quantified in F isn’t provided or the LA fails to adhere to timescales, you can pursue enforcement action. If the threat of judicial review to the Director of Children’s Services doesn’t work, you need a pre-action letter. SOSSEN can help with this. Although there is a wait, so you might want to look elsewhere. If the pre-action letter doesn’t work, JR proceedings themselves will.

Thanks for all your replies. I think I am exhausted after years of trying my best, and I just wanted to find the light at the end of the tunnel. It appears there is a lot more to do!

Its funny how you can do all the "right" things from day one - breastfeeding, good routines, music lessons, swimming, sports, live in a nice area, making sure homework is done, clean house, travel, home-cooked food, take time to listen, keep myself healthy, role-model good sleep, tolerance, respect, kindness, fitness....etc.

None of the above seems to have made the blindest bit of difference, and now I am tired. I fantasise about living in a 1-bedroom flat on my own one day.

I would insist they smoke outside as a starting point. 😬 speaking as someone who did smoke. This rule meant I smoked a lot less than if I was allowed to indoors. And if they don’t agree to this, then look at small punishments such as not buying their favourite food, turning WiFi off for an hour etc. start small.

I think you need to start cracking down on them because it sounds like you've tried to be their mate rather than their mother.
Where are they getting the money from to buy weed? That's the first thing that needs to be dealt with. I would have gone ballistic if my now adult children were openly smoking weed at 17 let alone 15, and any money I was giving them would stop, I'd also be monitoring phone use and looking at their messages. Do they smoke it at home either inside or outside, if they do that's got to be stopped straight away. It's well-known that weed has such a negative effect on the brains of teenagers and young people. No wonder they've got no motivation.

Apologies, I posted this on the wrong thread.

You don't mention a dad? Is he involved? For boys a male role model is crucial

My now 21 year okd spent the last two years of school being suspended for various reasons. He smoked cigarettes and weed. I had to call police die to his behaviour. He lied. He stole. He was a nightmare.

Now he has a full time job and has held it down for 2 years. He pays rent. Hes actually quite pleasant at times. He still occasionally smokes weed and vapes. But compared to his teenage years i accept that as long as it never enter my home.

I feel education setting just weren't for him. After school i pushed him into college, saying that he should be using this time for qualifications, bot be in a rush to grow up and have adult responsibilities with a full time job etc. ultimately i think i was wrong though. He is happier in the working world. And a much nicer person. His job isnt one that requires qualifications, he is a hospital porter, but it is a valid needed job that gives him that sense of contributing to society which he likes. He feels like he helps people.

I think he has made a successful start to adult life, which i didnt think was possible when he was 16.

Those typos. Sorry

My wonky teen did eventually knuckle down after dropping out of high school but didn't actually make significant progress until he was about twenty, until then he did try things but didn't find his " thing". What made a difference was getting an ADHD dx and going on medication and having online gaming friends that had good jobs! He decided he wanted to earn decent money too ( he'd had a retail job that was boring) and built up from doing an online maths course and passing his driving test to an access course to a two year college course that he's now transferred to a uni to convert to a degree. It's taken years and it's not certain he'll manage to finish the degree ( it's getting really hard now - computer science) but he has an HND. He's managed holiday jobs too.
Still messy and not good at multitasking but much more resilient.
Nothing worked until he was ready. Id suggested the access course about three years before he actually signed up.

@jumphigh24

Its funny how you can do all the "right" things from day one - breastfeeding, good routines, music lessons, swimming, sports, live in a nice area, making sure homework is done, clean house, travel, home-cooked food, take time to listen, keep myself healthy, role-model good sleep, tolerance, respect, kindness, fitness....etc.

I saw a clip on instagram saying how this is only relevant until they start to make friendships outside the family unit (so I guess mid teens) & then the friends they make have a much bigger influence on them. So I think there is only so much we can do & ultimately they will make their own choices in life. There’s only so much you can control. It’s hard with grown up teens. You can't exactly put them on a naughty step or confiscate their Xbox.