My stance on this is a half way house - so yes personal hygiene and chores are definitely important - but so is maintaining a good relationship bc ultimately it’s the quality of that relationship that will see them through life when you are not there. It’s a difficult balancing act.
You must have an inkling that arguing about showering, with a seventeen year old, for four or five hours every evening for a week, is madness though op?
It’s hard to advise without more information. Is this teenage rebellion? Depression or another mh issue? Weed? A gaming addiction? Is this a sensory or executive functioning issue ie ASD or ADHD? Or are you over-controlling? (If you were insisting that he showered while you were at the supermarket then most 17 years old would object to being micro-managed like an eight year old.)
If you have ruled out all of the issues above, including ill health, and he is functioning well in other areas of his life, then although it’s counter-intuitive op, and absolutely infuriating for you, and you have good reason to do so, but stop micro-managing him so much and let him suffer the natural consequences of his behaviour. And yes, choose your battles.
A teen should be able to sort out their own hygiene without nagging from about the age of twelve or thirteen without reminders. They should be doing their own laundry too. And cooking or at least helping to cook dinner one night a week. It won’t be perfect or how you do it but that doesn’t matter as long as they have made some attempt. Let him have some ownership or investment in some part of the household.
Let him live in a pig-sty of a room if it’s not a health risk, the sheets are changed regularly, and no food or drink is left up there, if it’s messy then the natural consequence is he won’t be able to find things and he won’t be able to have friends back.
Doesn’t help you unload shopping from car = you don’t help him with things like lifts in to town or to his friends’ houses.
The more you try and dictate what he does, the more he will push back. All responsibility for doing things needs to be firmly directed back on to him. Don’t parent him from the top down but from the sidelines.
He needs to reject you and his dad and your values to a certain extent to work out which rules are important to him and what sort of an adult he wants to be. Don’t get worn down by it. Go out and model enjoying your life yourself. As long as he has an example of one parent in his life modelling good routines, 95% of the time, it will come right.
He doesn’t wash, he gets teased at school and loses his job. He loses his job, he has no money. You can remind him but the responsibility needs to be firmly on him.
He doesn’t wash, you can remind him that it is his decision as it’s his body, but it’s a courtesy to others, including you, to smell pleasant and if he wants a gf or bf, then smelling pleasant is a basic step to achieving that.
Honestly though, if a teen of mine were really smelly all of the time, I would be asking questions about his or her mh. Asking why he doesn’t want to get too close to others? Why is their self-esteem so low? Or whether firm limits need to be set around excessive gaming?
Otherwise, don’t tear your hair out about it, because this is a phase. He is a bit smelly and entitled now, but this is not the man he is necessarily going to be in five years time, so don’t panic.
Ignore the negativity, the complaints and the eye rolls and be sympathetic but firmly insistent. And insist because you want him to develop his reliability and resilience and keep his promises to himself.
And talk to the person you want them to be, not the person they are atm. So keep optimistic; in other words that you trust him to come right. Don’t go down the route of thinking that this is him for life.
Use humour and don’t let all of your interactions become negative. Maintain a very obvious distinction between loving him for who he is, and let that be known often, but not necessarily being impressed with his current behaviour. Make sure you spend some pleasant time with him when you don’t argue.
Keep saying to him, that you will be interested to see what choices he makes in order to earn that lift next week or to receive the whole of his allowance, or have the wi-fi on, or whatever your rule is, and you are confident that it will all come good. Eg you set the expectation, you put the ball firmly in their court, and you give the impression that you believe they are capable and will do it, even when you have very little hope. They won’t always do it but that approach gives them space to change and improve..
When they don’t do it, be disappointed for them and not for you.
And when it all gets to much, just leave the house for a bit and sit in the car and scream! 😬.