EVERYTHING is a fucking battle!

[MessyNeate]

17yo DS.

Works.

Everything I ask him to do turns into a fucking massive deal.

Simple things like,

Helping me get the shopping out of the car.

Helping me with the bins on bin day

Keeping his room tidy

SHOWERING is a daily battle! I can't just ignore the fact he doesn't shower because he makes the whole house smell. It's disgusting, last week. Each evening this battle went on for four/five hours every single night.

Just now, an hour argument over the shower, in which he had sworn down he had showered when I was out food shopping a hour ago, the shower and bath was BONE dry!

I just don't get it, he is in a household where both adults pull their weight. Both adults shower every day, although not the same at his father's.

He works part time and seemingly gaming is his life, which I wouldn't care about if he didn't fucking smell so bad! He works in food retail so smells of that and BO

Ah I'm not surprised to hear he has ADHD. Firstly, sympathies it can be really, genuinely, bafflingly hard parenting an ADHDer. The usual parenting skills and common sense just don't apply, and you can end up feeling like a failure because you're seemingly doing "everything right" but not seeing the results.

You say "He does have adhd but functions well mostly!", but that's perhaps not really the case? I know you're frustrated with his gaming and smelliness, but I wonder if you've slightly normalised it. What I mean is that endless gaming (which is essentially an addiction), and neglecting personal hygiene are much harder to tackle in ADHDers than in ND people, and you might really need some outside support for this. I'm assuming he's under the care of a psychiatrist, and I'd definitely try and get their advice for this.

While it's still fresh in his memory, it might also be worth having a conversation with him to ask "How exactly were you motivated to help with the bins last night?" The idea is to capitalise on this "win", and get some insight to the positive triggers and thinking that led up to that. You never know, there might be some helpful info there! And it encourages him to be a bit self reflective.

He helped he said because I burnt my arm. I can't do that every Monday

Also, re: the showering, do you know what he feels about the shower experience? Might be worth asking him what he likes/dislikes. ADHDers are more likely to have sensory issues, so maybe there are things to be changed/considered there? Would a bath be better? Can he play music in the bathroom? Are there any ways he can make the washing experience a bit more fun/exciting? Rather than you buying him products, try inviting him into a "collaboration" on this problem.

Also, is the smelliness also due to wearing smelly clothes? Again ADHDers can be very attached to certain items of clothing (because they're extra soft, comfy etc) and might prefer to rewear a stinky garment than wear a fresh slightly less comfy one.

Haha! I did imagine you might say that! But even that info is grist to the mill. You could have a conversation which notices that it takes something as serious as burning your arm for him to help, but that you want him to know you're struggling/in need of help even when you're not actually injured.

It really really helps to have a warm, curious, "experimental" attitude when having these conversations, and to be inviting his input/ideas. I know it sounds a bit indulgent when you're just bloody fed up, but it turns to have a higher win rate than the usual requests (or nagging in my case!).

He doesn't wear clothes 😂 if he's in the house he's literally in his boxers.

He has the option of a bath but that takes too long apparently, he takes his phone in the shower, listens to music and once he's in there I can't get him out, but he's often choosing to shower (if left to it) at midnight-1am. Right next to my room so wakes me, if I'm on a day shift this means me getting up at 4:30am.

He's just very selfish, as teens often are and I thought once he was working he might be a bit less selfish about letting the rest of the house sleep etc,

We've had a chat today and I've told him there is going to be times of the day were there will be no WiFi,

I will be met with "I'll just go to dads then" which I this is the main issue, they have no rules there, his house is unclean (the boys often come back smelling musty if that makes sense even if they've showered there and he doesn't seem to use soap powder to was their clothes there either (I re wash everything that comes back lol)

I'm sure it's just a losing battle tbh! I will see if limiting the WiFi at certain times makes a difference!

Thank you

Yeah, sometimes all you can do is acknowledge that ADHD kids are a bit delayed developmentally, so a 17 year old teenager is more like a 14 year old in terms of selfishness / lack of consideration for others etc. It doesn't solve the problem, but just allows you to adjust expectations a bit.

FWIW two of my teens have ADHD, and we've had all sorts of struggles, but on the whole they're doing really well now. Having the diagnosis has helped me not be so hard on them or myself, and that has helped them find their feet a bit more (eg figure out strategies that actually work for them).

It's tricky when your ADHD kids are "competent" in all sorts of ways, and it can make it look like they just CBA with the bits they're "failing" on, but their struggle is real!

If he's threatening to go and stay at his DF's I'd explain that you'd be happier if he stayed with you as you love him and enjoy having him around but also tell him that he's almost an adult and you'll respect his choice.

I'd also suggest he strips his bed before he goes so that you can wash it for him and suggest he buys some washing powder to take with him.

Is he on medication for his ADHD?

But they aren’t two person jobs. OP wanted help with these tasks and it’s turning into a battle. By all means give him specific tasks to do e.g. put the blue bin out every other week or unload the dishwasher every afternoon and link WiFi access/lifts to work to completion/non-completion of them.

However, the young man in question cannot bring himself to wash. That is the battle to begin with as there is no chance of getting to be a husband in the first place - let alone a decent one - if he smells awful!