@AchillesAndPatroclus Oof, I can imagine this is exhausting, frustrating, and underneath it all is the worry about how our kids can manage their lives if they need that much hand-holding.
Does your daughter have any ND issues? I only ask, because executive function delays are part of that territory, but the it doesn't mean that she is ND, if you see what I mean.
You've made a fantastic list of all the things that need to be done, some of which are important, some of which are less so. Eg, brushing her teeth really matters so reinforcement if she's not doing it is vital, not closing cupboard doors is a massive irritation.
You're obviously a fantastic parent, who really cares. She's 13, so it's important to keep in perspective that there are a lot of really complicated changes going on in her life which make it hard for her, but that doesn't mean we should simply have no expectations.
For perspective, her need to study for the sake of exams will be drummed in to her at school, her social relationships will be a priority for her and they can often be fraught at this age. There's a terrific book (I warn you, it's a doorstep) by David Yeager, the eminent psychologist, called 10-25: The science of Motivating Young People. In it he talks about our mindset, and how the predominant mindset now is that of neuro-biological incompetence ie they're teens and they're not capable. There are two boys who wrote the book Do Hard Things, who complain about how the very most expected of teens these days is closer to the very least.
Yeager explains that at puberty become focused on status and approval amongst their peer group, not what we say.
He explains that our mindset causes us to either be an Enforcer, ie we tell our kids they must do things, but don't give them the suppor needed in order to complete the tasks, or the Protector ie we don't think they can manage so we protect them from the 'hard things' and expect very little of them. I think I have been guilty of both at times.
What we need to do is develop the Mentor mindset, which involves high expectations, and high support. So, in your case I would take your list and turn it into a chart. I would then choose only the vital things to discuss with my daughter. I would then have a chat with her that would involve getting to understand what really matters to her. What does she think motivates her? What's important in her world? Don't judge, just ask and say 'oh I can see how that would be important.' I suspect that her obsession with her phone is entirely to do with trying to figure out what her peers consider to be respect-worthy. My daughter talked about this in my podcast episode on body image; the problem is that they're not looking at girls their age, they're trying to copy people in their twenties!
I would then say 'I'm so sorry, I think that my love for you has inadvertently made you learn dependence. I think you're better than that and want to support you in becoming a complete person, who feels proud of their abilities. Show her the list and talk through what she thinks of the tasks and why she thinks they're not important. You may well find that she simply isn't prioritising them because they feel less important than the vital job of figuring out how to be popular and have status amongst her peers.
Focus on the skills that really matter, talk through what expectations you have and explain the consequences of not doing the things. I have an episode on setting consequences which could help. One important thing is don't connect getting time on her phone with doing any of the things you expect of her.
Explain that you will also be gently withdrawing your help in the other areas, not because you don't love her, but because you know it's important for her to begin doing more things for herself. I have found that I need to let things go a lot at home, and focus on praising my kids for any things they do attempt. We want to give them a North Star to look at, and help them believe in their own abilites.
Since starting working in this way I have found that my daughters are so much more open to discussing things, and learning skills. I talk about our home as a team. All of us has to be doing things in order for the team to work, so I started with dinner time and told everyone I have had to plan the meal, shop, cook... what would you like to do for the team? One of mine is a keen sous chef, another prefers to cook alone for us once a week, and to lay the table and clear away on other days. My husband is a dab hand at the washing up stage.
The team work mantra can really play into their need to feel part of something, and respected, rather than a child.
I hope this has been helpful. It's tough making that gear change from child to young adult.