What's the biggest thing you've been struggling with?

[teenagersuntangled]

I'll start. I was taking my daughter to school really early this morning, and I noticed that she'd packed clothes in her bag by simply stuffing them in, completely crumpled. I pulled them all out, smoothed them and folded them neatly, but couldn't help 'getting' at her about it in the car. I called her lazy, when I know that FMRI scans say that when we nag and tell our teens what we don't like their emotional brain fires up whilst their pre-frontal cortext (thinking/planning part) shuts down. Thankfully, it was a long journey and I managed to talk a bit more to her and apologise for using the L word, asking her more about why she took that decision and explaining why I feel like it isn't the easiest route and she needs to practice skills that will set her up for life.

I guess I'm trying to say that even with all the knowledge in the world we can find it really hard to keep calm and say the right things, but that we can always go back in by apologising and explaining so the both sides feel heard. It's tough.

I remember reading somewhere that true bonding only happens if there's rupture and repair. If everybody was always calm and happy with each other there wouldn't be true bonding, nor earned trust.
Also teaching kids how to reconnect after a disagreement, etc is very important.

@u3ername Spot on. My relationship with my daughter is deep and loving as a result of this process.

This is a really interesting and useful thread. Lots of food for thought.

For me, lately:
DS, 17 - feeling a bit frustrated at his lack of independence. Suspect I need to be more supportive and let it come naturally, not fair to compare my experiences to his (I had to do a lot of 'getting on with it' as discussed a bit above, at times it was miserable)

DD, 14 - the mess, the mess, the mess. Thanks to @AchillesAndPatroclus for sharing that list - I could tick every single thing here. There are phases, waves of her keeping up hygiene and cleanliness at least, and other times neglecting it completely. I mentioned a lack of laundry from her and she said she rewears things often. Okay, the planet thanks you, but it's a bit much and sometimes things smell, or worse, she does.

And for me - this weird bit of motherhood, they need me a lot but often not much and I am not good at filling the gaps in time when they are occupied/in their rooms. They are at their dads EOW so I use that time for my own socialising/hobbies/general lazing around. So when they're here I always offer plans, big or small, but they quite like just being at home in their rooms. That's fine, but sometimes I struggle to quite know what to do. Again, there are phases, we might have a few weeks where we spend a lot of time chatting in the evenings or binging a series, and other times where they're more interested in their own space and interests.