BF Father added her on Instagram

[Forestwalker24]

I'm exhausted dealing with my dd15 who just doesn't take advise or listen to reason every conversation turns into an argument. Dd met a boy a couple of weeks back has been at is parents house all week parents seem very lax about rules! Anyway I haven't met this boy but I noticed last week that his dad had ask to follow dd on Instagram she accepted the request. I told her this was strange if not creepy and why is he just requested to follow her and not any other female friends of his sons. Please let me know if I'm overthinking/overreacting as I asked her to unfollow him or at least block him from viewing stories but she won't and says I'm making it weird, what are your thoughts?

I think you need to introduce yourself to this family.

I agree, but she's only known them a week and a bit, but I was shocked how quickly the relationship started so haven't done that yet as thought maybe she'd get to know the boy first.

I agree with the advice of getting to know the family but I 100% empathise as I am in the same predicament, eg a lot of arguments and a comolete inability to listen when the advice is unwelcome or gping against what they want to do in the moment.

It's really tough. I have much better outcomes/luck with my teenage sons, who I found to be an absolute breeze in comparison.

Firstly, I agree that it's strange to have the father following her.
I would definitely want to know this family. We mums know too much and our daughters not enough to realise the full implications.

Tell her you aren't interested in trying to control her but that you are the person who loves her more than anyone else in the world so you want to be involved in understanding the dynamic and keeping her safe and empowered.

Tell her how happy you are for her that she's found a boy that she's connected with. This is really important. Then be genuinely curious. I find the techniques of super-silence and active listening most helpful. Don't jump in with answers or trying to fix or control, just tell her you really want to understand her so that you can support her in the way that a proper mum should do and explain that support is very different to control.

How did she meet this boy? What does she like so much about him? How does he make her fell? What's his family like? What do they do together? Why doesn't she invite him back to your house?

Do create boundaries that you feel are appropriate. She's only 15 so tell her you still have legal responsibility for her welfare, regardless of whatever she feels.

I would also say that if she feels old enough to be dating a boy then she is also old enough to have some serious conversations with you about contraception, STD's, consent, etc.
I really feel for you. This part of parenting is really hard.

A lot of what you say makes sense and I will try to change how I feel and listen to her. My problem is that the last two boyfriends really done damage to her. One was very abusive, controlling and left bruises, it was hard watching this happen at such s young age and she still can't see how bad it was. I think I see it that if she doesn't have a boyfriend then she won't get hurt and the dad following her has made me worry more, I just don't want her getting damaged anymore. Following in love/bring in love as a teenager should be mostly wonderful but the boys she has dated have been awful.

I think the advice you've been given is very sound. My own daughter (now almost 30) had a very abusive relationship when she was your daughter's age. It was mostly coercive control to a very serious extent. I didn't realise what was happening until a lot of damage had been done - which she did address in therapy but not until years later. I involved the police once I realised what was going on. They were supportive and he was convicted. If I'd found out his father was befriending/following my girl on social media, I'm sure I'd have acted much sooner. The mid-teen years can be so difficult for girls. I hope things go well for you and your daughter.

Could you dm the father, asking why a middle age man ,who you don't know, feels it appropriate to follow a teenage girl?

Obviously not in those words but maybe enquiring who he is ( feign ignorance) then introduce yourself so he is aware you are watching.

I don't think it's strange at all for the dad to follow her. It's just like being a friend on fb these days

I don't think the platform matters, it's simply not appropriate for a grown man to befriend a teenage girl in any way. There's no need for it so then you have to ask yourself why. And then you get all the uncomfortable reasons...

It's worrying OP and as much as your DD will kick up about you "interfering" you need to be the responsible adult here and protect her. Regardless of how much she might protest.

I think you're right, it's creepy and inappropriate of the father 😳 ask DD to invite this boy over so you can meet him as a first step to getting to know the family.

Maybe she requested him? My kids mates have done this quite often.

Depending on who it is I sometimes accept.

Whatever the platform, it is creepy, especially after one week. Others have advised getting to know the family quickly. Even though the relationship is new, you should know the people your DD is sending so much time with. Introduce yourself soonest.

I have ds 15 and as a mother of a boy. Everytime ds starts dating or even talking to a girl, I’ll end up with a friends request from the girls on all social media accounts (has happened 3 times) so I feel there’s this trend for girls to add the bf’s family. On 1 of these occasions as girl added me before I even knew ds was dating 🤷🏻‍♀️.

So are you 100% sure the request has come from the father and she hasn’t requested him?

either way though it’s been a complete nightmare and I’ve put a ban on being ‘friends’ with these girls. My only advice would be try explain to your daughter that there’s no reason to have him as a ‘friend’, be honest with your concerns (mindful she may tell her bf what you say) or suggest a SM clear out keeping only people her own age. If she ignores you, just monitor it closely especially around the times if dd/bf are arguing, break ups.

Your daughter’s been at a boys house that you’ve never met for a WEEK?!? Absolutely wouldn’t be happening if that was my child.

I think the father following her on insta is the least of your worries and it’s a bit odd that’s that is what you’re fixed on.

I need clarification..... your daughter has been at this boys parents house all week? Or? That part I am not understanding. How do you know these parents rules are lax?

I find it very very odd that you are letting DD run on you like this. You are the parent not her. Why are you questioning your judgement based on what your CHILD said. What!?!?

100% agree with this. WTF. The instagram thing should be the least of your worries. And yes, before anyone comes at me for agreeing with this, I’ve been through the teenage years already so yes I know what “parenting” a teen is like. You say the boy’s parents are lax yet you’re the one who has a daughter dictating rules to you and staying out at a strangers house for a week…

I read that to mean she went to see him through the week as opposed to was there all week? Might be worth clarifying, OP.

I’m sorry but her daughter has been at this man’s house all week!! She can’t be that bloody worried can she because OP hasn’t even met the family of where her daughter has spent most of her time within the last 7 days.

It's absolutely not okay that the dad is following her. No way. You need to regain your place as her responsible adult, OP, before she gets herself in another situation way out of her depth. Please do some research, find support. Your dd has already set herself on an unhealthy route. I agree with the posters saying that you can't go in all authoritarian - you need to meet your dd on a level she can be comfortable with so start by telling her how much you love her and how proud of her you are. Open up about yourself, daft judgements you might have made at that age. Let her know that you don't want to control her because she is growing into a strong young woman that you are immensely pride of but that it is your job to keep her safe until the law says she is old enough to look after herself and then just because you love her and want her to be happy. Don't just let this drift for a quiet life and don't lose your temper. She needs you to be the adult in the room, be calm and understanding but hold those safety boundaries firm. Explore healthy relationship stuff together ( after you have checked out some good surveys yourself for best advice on how to reconnect with her). All the best ( I have a strong minded16 yr old dd, by the way)

www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/sex-relationships/healthy-relationships/

uksaysnomore.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/Healthy-Relationship-Teens-Toolkit-1.pdf

She's known him a couple of weeks and you've let her stay for a week? Where are the boundaries here? She won't listen to your requests to delete this man if boundaries aren't in place for bigger things!

This post isn't even rational. Being "concerned" that this man is creepy but literally handing the creep your daughter. This can't be real.

I personally wouldn't allow boyfriends until at least after GCSEs. They are too young and should be focusing on their studies.

You can say NO to your teenagers!!! There need to be stronger rules!

I agree with you. This is just the way things are these days, there’s less boundaries between the generations. For example, when we were young a lot of us wouldn’t want our parents on our Facebook, but younger people do it. While some of us middle aged people would jump straight to the “it’s inappropriate” reaction, many wouldn’t, and the youngsters would see it as being accepted into the family. Things are changing, doesn’t mean there’s not that small chance he’s a creep - anyone could be - so be weary, but be open.