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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Am I too soft..

28 replies

singlemum43 · 04/11/2024 22:17

Apologies for the long thread, bit of background. I’m a single mum to two my eldest who this concerns is 15, basically an argument kicked off with him and his sister after dinner, over the tv again, my son lost his shit saying he hates living with her she’s selfish (she has been really tricky lately, but I’ve cut her some slack as she’s hormonal and also had a falling out with her dad.) I do my best to keep everyone calm.

My son got really aggressive and pushed her, I separated them immediately he calmed down and apologised which she accepted.. I sat him down and talked to him sternly that he shouldn’t have done that. Anything like that is classed as domestic abuse and he must never do it again.. didn’t feel he took me seriously enough. So I asked my partner who I’ve been with for 6 years, (he doesn’t live with us, but they see him a lot and he’s been extremely supportive to us) I really needed him to help support reinforce that he needs to learn to control himself and we do not push siblings etc.

So this is how the situation gets a whole lot worse.. my son listened to my partner about controlling anger and not being childish but he answered back with ‘oh like you do, when you walked out on Saturday
night on my mum, who was childish then?’ (we went out Saturday night for a family party and he complained when we got home the house was cold, so I jokingly said well go home then so he got up and went slamming the door on the way out.) It was a silly argument between us and my son should not have brought this up, but he said he hates hypocrites!! My partner said he’s going before he loses his shit, again slamming the door on his way out. I spent half an hour talking it through with my son. He’s neurodivergent and getting a bit stressed with mock exams. I had about 5 missed calls from my partner so I called back he then ranted at me, he’s disgusted in my son, he never wants to see him again.. he’s not welcome in his house. Said if his own son ever spoke to him like this he would be devastated.. basically in my opinion completely over reacted..please let me know your thoughts, I wish I hadn’t involved him.. but I just needed a bit of support. I know I need to be harder on my kids and I am a bit of a push over at times 😔 feel so upset about the situation…

OP posts:
roadrager · 04/11/2024 22:24

Sounds like your DS got it spot on about your partner.

He's childish.

Your son was right to call it out. I hate hypocrites too.

Ditch your partner (he's not a partner in the true sense of the word, is he?) and focus on yourself and your kids.

Explain hormones to your son.

Explain hormones are not an excuse to your daughter.

And don't ask an outsider to step in and talk to your kids for you.

FoxLoxInSox · 04/11/2024 22:26

roadrager · 04/11/2024 22:24

Sounds like your DS got it spot on about your partner.

He's childish.

Your son was right to call it out. I hate hypocrites too.

Ditch your partner (he's not a partner in the true sense of the word, is he?) and focus on yourself and your kids.

Explain hormones to your son.

Explain hormones are not an excuse to your daughter.

And don't ask an outsider to step in and talk to your kids for you.

100%

PinkyAndTheBarnacle · 04/11/2024 22:29

First poster nailed it

wheeliegood · 04/11/2024 22:30

Your partner is selfish and childish. Sorry. He is an adult yet setting a very poor example. Your 15 year old is not yet an adult and coping with his own stresses and hormone changes. It must have been a shock when your son pushed your daughter - that needs to be dealt with - but by you. And your daughter needs support too. Focus on them, and not him. (He needs to go imo). He does not have your back, but rather appears to like letting off steam, and having a huff and puff himself.

sprigatito · 04/11/2024 22:32

YABU to expect your son to handle conflict maturely when he lives with a bloke who still has temper tantrums.

GonnaBeYoniThisChristmas · 04/11/2024 22:33

Cannot support enough what @roadrager said.

And why on earth did you call on your partner to weigh in on your behalf? Sounds like you had it perfectly under control yourself.

From the sounds of your flouncing, door slamming partner he and your son don’t have a close and stable relationship so its a bad idea to use him as a conduit for parenting your DS.

StarSlinger · 04/11/2024 22:37

Ditch your partner and support your son.

bitsalty · 04/11/2024 22:50

I also agree your son was right to call out the double standard. Sounds like your boyfriend is a man child and sets a terrible example.

StSwithinsDay · 04/11/2024 23:03

Just be grateful that you didn't move him in with your children.
Your son is very perceptive. Your partner has shown his true feelings about your son.

Arlanymor · 04/11/2024 23:09

You say your son shouldn’t have brought it up - why not? If this happened in front of him he had every right - not only was your partner in the wrong to do it at the weekend but then he did it again! He acted incredibly badly and then compounded it by phoning you to say terrible things about your son. Protect your children, keep this man away from them both. Thank god he doesn’t live with you, he sounds unable to manage stressful situations without resorting to childish and overblown tactics. He’s literally walked out twice in one week.

BlackToes · 04/11/2024 23:24

The son - don’t involve your partner, utilise the school pastoral team instead and prewarn him you will report him to the police if he truly hurts her - then follow through.

walking away is actually the most sensible thing to do if irritated. It allows the red mist to dampen down. Your son could take a leaf out of your partners book.

however your partner seems particularly huffy and teen like, why can’t he have calm conversation's and responses to difficult questions and challenging behaviours? He’s an adult after all.

DoublePasta · 05/11/2024 07:24

sprigatito · 04/11/2024 22:32

YABU to expect your son to handle conflict maturely when he lives with a bloke who still has temper tantrums.

Yes, that's quite the ask! The pair of you bickering like toddlers. Saying ridiculous stuff to each other and slamming doors. But then an actual child has to behave themselves.

Quite obviously, you can't continue to have a relationship with a man who has told you he never wants to see your son again so that's a decision that you don't have to make. He's done that for you. I wouldn't waste any more energy thinking about that because it's done.

Your son shouldn't have pushed his sister. Your daughter shouldn't be doing whatever it is she has been doing because she's hormonal. These are the areas where your focus needs to be.

OhDearMuriel · 05/11/2024 08:18

Your pathetic partner doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Your DS is 100% right.
SUPPORT YOUR SON and get rid of your arsehole partner, or risk fucking up your son and losing him.

Edingril · 05/11/2024 08:23

Your son should not be aggressive but stop blaming hormones for bad behaviour it is not a justification for treat people badly

And listen to your children, no point mentioning the partner you won't listen

Canalboat · 05/11/2024 08:32

Partner sounds like a horror, flouncing, slamming doors, issuing ultimatums. You don’t need to be ‘harder’ on your kids but you do need to model good behaviour for them and your parter hasn’t done that. DS has called him out and there is no insight from adults that he might be right. Partner is also now turning anger on you as well as your son.

thesunisastar · 05/11/2024 08:38

OP, why are you saying that yuu are a "soft touch"? From your description of what happened, it sounds to me that you handled it appropriately.

Clearly it is completely unacceptable for your DS to use physical force against his sister, but you made that crustal clear and the fact that he calmed down and apologised off his own back is actually very positive. Just because he didn't seem to be taking it as seriously as he should doesn't mean he hasn't taken it in - teens are notorious for wanting to save face and not appear bothered. What matters is how he acts in future.

It also sounds like you were fair handed in reminded your DD that she also needs to take responsibility for her behaviour.

I'm left wondering if your DP has got some very old fashioned ideas about discipline and how children and teenagers should and shouldn't behave, and has been drip dripping this idea that you are too soft with the when in fact you are managing things perfectly well.

Original poster
singlemum43 · 05/11/2024 08:53

Thank you for taking the time to reply everyone I really appreciate it. We don’t live together but he has been in our lives for six years, but I shouldn’t have involved him. Sadly this is the nail in the coffin for me in terms of our relationship, he is demanding an apology from my son which I don’t feel is necessary. He’s angry because my 15 year old called him out..

My partner has been supportive and generous over the years but he seems to have a very old school style of communication with teens, my kids come first and they need me more than ever at the moment. Raging hormones, pressures of school, not seeing enough of their own dad. But I think it’s clear I just need to get on with it on my own.. and hope I raise decent humans.

Blimey this parenting malarkey is so hard at times especially as a single mum.

OP posts:
Canalboat · 05/11/2024 11:20

You sound like a good parent OP

OhDearMuriel · 05/11/2024 13:16

Well done, you're a good mum.

Teens being teens, might not show it, but I bet they're both really proud of you for doing the right thing and supporting your DS and standing by him.

DoublePasta · 05/11/2024 14:21

He’s angry because my 15 year old called him out..

It's a take as old as time that an unrelated man gets arsey when a teenager becomes their own person with their own opinions instead of a child they can be in charge of.

redalex261 · 05/11/2024 14:40

@roadrager is right.

roadrager · 05/11/2024 15:14

singlemum43 · 05/11/2024 08:53

Thank you for taking the time to reply everyone I really appreciate it. We don’t live together but he has been in our lives for six years, but I shouldn’t have involved him. Sadly this is the nail in the coffin for me in terms of our relationship, he is demanding an apology from my son which I don’t feel is necessary. He’s angry because my 15 year old called him out..

My partner has been supportive and generous over the years but he seems to have a very old school style of communication with teens, my kids come first and they need me more than ever at the moment. Raging hormones, pressures of school, not seeing enough of their own dad. But I think it’s clear I just need to get on with it on my own.. and hope I raise decent humans.

Blimey this parenting malarkey is so hard at times especially as a single mum.

It is really hard. But it sounds like your kids need you more than ever right now.

I hope my reply wasn't too harsh; I can be quite blunt..!

But ultimately he isn't their dad and he shouldn't be having conversations with your kids which you, as their parent and carer, should be having with them.

It sounds as though your partner isn't bringing anything to the table anymore. Demanding an apology from anyone when they call you out for being a hypocrite is childish and shows he doesn't have the maturity needed to support you in parenting your children.

You will do a much better job on your own, and you'll be rewarded for it too.

Talk to your kids about the decision too.

Dollybantree · 05/11/2024 15:17

roadrager · 04/11/2024 22:24

Sounds like your DS got it spot on about your partner.

He's childish.

Your son was right to call it out. I hate hypocrites too.

Ditch your partner (he's not a partner in the true sense of the word, is he?) and focus on yourself and your kids.

Explain hormones to your son.

Explain hormones are not an excuse to your daughter.

And don't ask an outsider to step in and talk to your kids for you.

First post nails it!

November2024WL · 05/11/2024 15:19

You demonized your DS. You had already sorted it. You pandered to your DP’s need to get involved.

Stop scapegoating your DS for your DP’s benefit!!!

DeliciousApples · 05/11/2024 20:49

First post nailed it.
Sorry OP. I know it's tough but you're doing well. You don't need that guy in your life.

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