At wits end, advice needed

[Highlandcoo5]

Looking for advice please. My 19 year old son has his gf stay at ours on a Friday night, both my husband and I work a Saturday morning. Although my son does try to be quiet, they are coming home at 2am and both my husband and I are getting woken up, my husband is like a bear with a sore head when he is tired. This is causing arguments between my husband and I to the point I am feeling stressed and anxious now.

My husband (married for 2 yrs) is not my son’s father (we split up 5 years ago) and my son and husband do not get on. I feel very stuck in the middle and don’t know what to do. I have spoken to my son about the time he is coming home when we have work the next day but as a typical teen he does not see anything wrong with it. My husband has now said if that continues he won’t be living with us.

Your husband shouldn't get to dictate if your son lives with you or not.
I don't think coming in late once a week should cause this level of drama.
Are there other factors to consider?

Do they make a lot of noise when they come in? Could they come in more quietly?

I think your new husband needs to tread more carefully with your DS. At 19, he isn’t going to be living with you for too many more years. Living with teenagers can be very trying but in the long term you want to have laid foundations for a strong relationship with your son as he becomes fully adult, moves out and has children of his own. Your husband’s attitude now (and your handling of this) could well cause long term resentment/ rifts.

The issue he has is the gf is coming back to ours drunk and he feels like they are using the house as a doss house

Your husband's reaction is a bit immature. Is he trying to use this as an excuse to kick your son at of your house? You both have to be adults and discuss the issue amicably to try and work out a solution. How often does your son come late? How noisy is he that you are getting woken up? Speak to your son as a young adult about responsible behaviour and how badly it is affecting your sleep and work day.

My husband moved into the house I had with my children and feels like he is being asked to “put up and shut up” which is not the case, however my husband is not very diplomatic at times and I wanted to discuss it with my son myself to stop anything getting misunderstood

There really is not much worse than a woman moving a man that their child dislikes into their child’s home.

or worse, dragging them off to live in the man’s home.

Staying out until 2am is not unreasonable, getting irritated at being woken up is not unreasonable. Threatening to kick someone out of the house as a consequence is bully territory

Earplugs?

It’s not the first time this has happened despite speaking to my son about it. The previous weekend they had been drinking and came home and the gf was sick in both bathrooms which woke the whole house. My husband does try to not say anything when they are banging about during the night but it has now reached the point where he is struggling to tolerate it.

The obvious answer here is the girlfriend doesn't stay. It's reasonable to request that particularly as she's coming in and being sick, that's not ok.

But, be prepared for your son to spend more time at hers and for your relationship to be damaged

GF sounds awful. Maybe they should go back to her house and she can be sick there. I am beginning to sympathise with your DH.

Not sure how to take your comment but to clarify, I did not move a man into my house that my child dislikes. They got on fine until recently.

He never threatened to kick my son out he was referring to himself moving out

He's moved in with a wife that has a child, putting up with him is the price of admission. 🤷🏻‍♀️ He needs to wear ear plugs/use white noise/etc on the one day off the week they come on late and your son and his gf need to make a concerted effort to be more quiet.

I am a very light sleeper and wouldn’t be happy with this at all. The gf must behave and be quiet, otherwise she can’t stay over. But your husband has nothing to say about wether your son lives at home or not.

My DS would be hauled over the coals if he did this to me. And yes he's a teenager, and yes he's my own son. If they want to stay out until 2am and get pissed they stay over somewhere else where their noise won't disturb people. I'm a light sleeper and have insomnia and my DS knows if he wakes me when he comes in he's in big trouble. So he doesn't, he creeps quietly even if he's had a drink and doesn't wake me up. It's possible. On Thursday night he brought a friend home and they slept in the living room so as not to disturb us. If your DS doesn't see the issue with this then maybe it is time he moved out!

I think your son is being unreasonable. He’s 19, so an adult. You’ve told him that it’s causing a problem yet he’s done nothing about it. His girlfriend certainly doesn’t appear to give a damn about waking the whole house whilst throwing up.

Why don’t they both go to her house on Friday nights? I’d certainly be suggesting that they do so.

Perhaps I worded it wrong, my husband was referring to himself not living with us if it continued not my son.

Well is not unreasonable to be annoyed by someone waking you up vomiting in the bathroom at 2am is it?
Family conversation needed so it's not jsut dh vs son

I've a noisy teenager and I feel your pain.
Could they stay a different night, i.e. Saturday night, when no one has to work the next day?
I think it's fine for teens to come home late, but they need to be respectful of everyone else in the house and try to be quiet.
Do you think your DH is serious about moving out? Does he want to end the relationship over this issue or is he hoping that there is another solution?

Your son is the unreasonable one here. He’s an adult living in your home and should show a bit more consideration. If your dh did this to him regularly on a work night, your son would be furious.

He made the comment this morning when he left for work, I work from home so I haven’t spoken to him about it. I would like to think he is not being serious and is just tired but will speak to him today. I appreciate where my son and husband are both coming from I just feel stuck in the middle.

You need a word with your son. Apart from anything else, if his girlfriend is regularly getting drunk to the point of being sick, it’s not good for her, but you absolutely shouldn’t be the one to put up with the fall-out. Tell your son that if he and his girlfriend wants to come home and be noisy, she’ll have to do so at her own house, because you and DH have to go out to work on a Saturday morning. Not at all unreasonable to expect people to be quiet and respectful of other family members when they have to work the following day.

Why are you stuck in the middle? You've got one person reasonably annoyed and one person being a dick. What middle is there? You need to lay down some expectations for your son and some consequences if he breaks them.

Nope, sorry, if GF wants to get that drunk, she stays somewhere else, whether it's a work night or not. I am a vastly liberal parent, but if you have people staying, they adhere to the house rules, number 1 of which is don't roll in drunk, disturb everyone and then puke too. Ridiculous unless a one off.

I wouldn't be overly happy about a drunk girlfriend waking up the whole house and puking. Your house. Your rules.

I don't think you or your husband are being unreasonable.
I'd be telling my son that no one stays over if they continue coming in late and making a lot of noise.