Broken hearted 15 year old. How to help!

[GNFS1]

My dd is 15 and was up until 2 weeks ago had been with her boyfriend for a year. He’s now started college and ended things with her. It seems he wants to play the field. 15 DD is obviously really upset. Her ex wants to move on and it seems he checked out a while ago. Dd and him still exchange messages. She’s said that about a week or so ago he was saying she was the perfect girl for him but it just wasn’t the right time. He’s messaged her about what to do if another girl tries to kiss him. He’s put her in the friend zone whilst she obviously hasn’t.

I’ve tried to encourage no contact for a while until she moves on. She’s quite a closed book so doesn’t open up easily. Her ex messaged me the day they broke up saying my dd needed to talk to me but wouldn’t say what about. She takes time to process and even after struggles to open up.

We’ve had a few good days and she seems a bit more back to herself but the last day or so she’s been really down. She won’t open up about it. I’ll admit I had a look on her phone. There’s a lot of messages to the ex. Casual chat and she made a few passive aggressive comments about him and girls. I know I should wait for her to open up and looking at her phone is a huge invasion of privacy but I’m worried about her. I don’t think them being in touch is healthy for her.

How can I help her and get her to end the contact? Part of me wonders about stepping back and just letting her get on but I’m worried this constant contact is dragging the hurt on and she won’t ever get over it. She’s our eldest and her brother is a much more open book so I’m really at a loss on how to help.

She knows you are there for her and that's brilliant. Just keep trying to do nice things, give opportunities and encourage her to block him. No good will come out of staying in contact.

Such a learning process at this age.

First post nails it. Sending my love to you and your DD. ❤️

When my DD was dumped by her first bf, she was very upset but deleted him from all her "socials" straightaway.

She saw friends a lot and moped around a bit but she didn’t want to talk to me much even though we're really close.

I'd gently encourage her to delete and block him as it sounds like he's playing mind games with her.

Take her out for coffee and cake and chat about anything but him.

Feel free to be sympathetic but you can't fix this and you don't need to know all the ins and outs. Teen heartbreak and moving in is part of life and an important part of learning coping strategies for life.

Thanks all. We’ve been there for her, taken her to the cinema, shopping, haircut, nails, gym classes, encouraged going out with friends. Generally tried to distract her. My worry is the contact because I think at the start he’d given her hope and even his mum when she dropped our dd’s stuff back said to give him space so I think she’s had this hope he’ll come back. I think the contact is the thing hurting her more because it’s not letting her move on and she’s as bad as he is with the contact. I think we’ll gently try and encourage no contact because I don’t think it’s healthy.

@WonderingWanda, completely see your point but it’s hard to see your kid in pain. I know there’s going to be lots of break ups and lots of horrible situations but the instinct is to try and fix it but appreciate I need to step back. I’m also worried as she said to me things spread like wildfire at school and I’m concerned that the amount of contact and some of what she’s written could end up spread around school therefore making it worse for her.

it’s hard to see your kid in pain. I know there’s going to be lots of break ups and lots of horrible situations but the instinct is to try and fix it but appreciate I need to step back

She won't learn to handle these situations if you don't back off and let her figure it out. You're making this a big deal with all the treats and retail therapy.

Point out that he might share her messages with others who might also pass them on and encourage her to block him.

But don't catastrophise. It's a perfectly normal stage of growing up.

Can you tell I've been through it with DD? 🙂

It’s so hard we’ve all been heart broken when we was teens and it hurts so much
My dd has just gone to uni and met a boy in the same halls they got close and he ended it yesterday saying that he’s not ready to commit
it’s only been a few weeks but my dd is heart broken she’s on her way home now on the train for one night as it’s a friends birthday .
im worried as she’s not in a good place not sleeping or eating . She said he’s not being mean but they share the same kitchen etc and she’s scared that he might bring another girl back

it’s all learning but you can’t help but feel your child’s pain ❤️

i remember being heartbroken at 16. i took a holiday with family to spain and came back mostly healed from the pain. try a week long holiday

There is only so much you can do. You are not in total control.

Start by pointing out his flaws. He isn't nice by replying he keeping her stung along. No phone overnight. Take it off her.

Keep her doing routing things. Supermarket, dog walks, homework, cooking food. Advise her to block and repeat

Do not engage in conversation - just keep saying the same thing.

I remember being heart broken at 16, probably one of the worst heartbreaks I'd ever felt as I didn't know how to navigate it! It's a part of life and just knowing you're there for her will be enough. She will be ok ❤️

I totally get that it must be so hard to see. He sounds like he is being an almighty prick. Try and be comforted that this will help her develop better radar for absolute wankers in the future. Chat with her about ow some men, just like bullies, gain their confidence from putting others down.

I feel for her. I remember my first broken heart at that age - four decades ago! There is no pain like it. Luckily for me, there was no way to contact anyone then except via the landline. There was a whole summer of moping and crying and playing terrible music.
The only healer was time, I am afraid.
He’s being a lit shit messaging her at all - if he had any decency he would step away.
Just be there for her.
The one thing I do remember is time alone with my mum and she told me about her first broken heart. Of course it never entered my head it had happened to her. It was actually really moving stuff. Which we never repeated in front of my dad!

She's still a child. You're her mum, and mumming is exactly what she needs right now.

She's too young to be in a forever relationship, so is he, but of course she does not see that yet. It's a super vulnerable stage.

He's shifted her into the friend zone and is probably happy with that.

He hasn't done anything wrong. A teenage boy is unlikely to want to settle down and the longer they stayed together the worse it would have been when it inevitably ended.

It would be best to block him everywhere and get out of contact. Staying in contact with a boy who has moved on keeps hope both alive and hopeless, which can only keep her from healing. She'll be torturing herself with thoughts of what he might be doing, while he's skipped off having fun in his teen boy way.

No phone overnight would be wise; she'll hate you, obviously, but it will help her sleep, stop her reaching out, benefit her eventually.

@GNFS1 you could have a general chat about boundaries. How the ex is an ex and doesn’t get to drop her and have her in reserve and that’s why no contact is best at first - maybe in time they will be friends but for now the best thing for her sense of self is to be unavailable. And also sends him the message that he can’t snap his fingers and she will come running. Talk about how she might see things if it were happening to a friend and so on.

No contact, definitely. He’s keeping her around just in case and you are right he could get nasty about the messages.

I second a holiday too, or a weekend away. Broaden her horizons. I went to Paris, coincidentally just after a boy totally messed me around in year 11 and that was very healing.

The what should I do if another girl tries to kiss me .. little shit is rubbing her nose in it.
Block him as being in contact will only prolong the hurt.

This.

Thanks everyone. I remember my first heartbreak and we’d been together 7 years and so I get how she feels. She was so close to blocking him a few days after it happened and then he checked in to make sure she was okay to which she said she was fine and then he asked if she’d met someone else and it snowballed from there. I think he’s also mentioned that maybe in the future they could rekindle things which is obviously shit and left her feeling hopeful.

We’ve just tried to do things to distract her. Weekends tend to be the worst so we’ve tried to get her out a bit. She’s now revising for mocks over the half term.

Completely agree that she’ll learn how to handle things. He wasn’t good for her so it’s no bad thing its ended. And I think to some degree she sees that as she will say she was the one putting in all the effort. I just wish he’d let her be after it happened. She’s not in the head space to be friends.

Awful in the moment but better first experienced now than at 45.

I’m trying to say this without being insensitive, but she needs to really focus on her GCSEs.

I am sure OP is aware of this. Heartbreak at 15 has rarely been cured by
GCSEs though.

@Wn38475, she definitely needs to focus on her GCSEs and she is revising. It’s just she’s struggling a bit with it all.

Much as we wish we could, we can't dictate how our DC react when they are heartbroken. All we can do is be very loving to them and encourage them to be very loving towards themselves.

I taught DC the importance of always having several things in your life that are equally important so if one goes wring the others keep you going. Good friendships, a sport or hobby you really adore, a life ambition that is yours alone - not dependent on someone else doing something with you. It helped them, when they first had broken hearts, that life was going well with friends, hobbies, academic work etc.

Maybe you could help steer some of her focus towards other things that matter and that could raise her self esteem. Invite her best mates over for pizza and comedy film night (not rom com) or help her look for a part time job or work placement in some area that interests her, or get her new kit for a hobby or sport she loves.

Try and nudge her away from her phone, out onto a family walk and chat about the bigger picture - what sort of career does she want? What countries does she most want to visit? If she plays an instrument does she want to be in a band, etc. Does she think she'd like to go to uni or to work, once school is over.

Give her loads of treats if you can afford to, especially now she is revising for GCSEs. Maybe a new haircut or new outfit, remodel her room, take her out for dinner or breakfast or for mocktails, look out for tickets to a music or comedy gig she'd like and surprise her.

Even small things help. Run her a deep bubble bath and leave a mini tub of her favourite ice cream beside the bath. Make her favourite dinners. Sit and watch reruns of her favourite shows or films with her. If she is sporty, go for runs or cycle rides with her, take her swimming or climbing.

Just showing we care and subtly helping them realise there is a big world out there and they will soon be free to explore it is the best support we can give, in my experience. No point in trying to get them to forget him or say he isn't worth it - however much we want to. Just focus on other lovely things life has on offer.

That's overkill!

I went through this with my daughter last year. Boyfriend dumped her on Christmas Eve for similar reasons you're talking about. He then proceeded to continue to message her which gave her nothing but false hope. She was absolutely heartbroken at the time. It was awful to see. She stop eating and sleeping and completely lost her sparkle. This went on for about 4 months which at the time felt like a lifetime. She eventually found the strength to cut him off completely and now looks back on that time and doesn't understand what she ever saw in him. He sometimes trys to reach out to her to rekindle their connection but she is truly over him now and blatantly leaves his messages unread or "airs" them.
What I'm trying to say is that your daughter will come through this and she will be stronger for it. I know it's really hard as a parent to see your child hurting and I really struggled with it. I could actually feel her pain. All you can really do is be there for her and give her some distraction.