Broken hearted 15 year old. How to help!

[GNFS1]

My dd is 15 and was up until 2 weeks ago had been with her boyfriend for a year. He’s now started college and ended things with her. It seems he wants to play the field. 15 DD is obviously really upset. Her ex wants to move on and it seems he checked out a while ago. Dd and him still exchange messages. She’s said that about a week or so ago he was saying she was the perfect girl for him but it just wasn’t the right time. He’s messaged her about what to do if another girl tries to kiss him. He’s put her in the friend zone whilst she obviously hasn’t.

I’ve tried to encourage no contact for a while until she moves on. She’s quite a closed book so doesn’t open up easily. Her ex messaged me the day they broke up saying my dd needed to talk to me but wouldn’t say what about. She takes time to process and even after struggles to open up.

We’ve had a few good days and she seems a bit more back to herself but the last day or so she’s been really down. She won’t open up about it. I’ll admit I had a look on her phone. There’s a lot of messages to the ex. Casual chat and she made a few passive aggressive comments about him and girls. I know I should wait for her to open up and looking at her phone is a huge invasion of privacy but I’m worried about her. I don’t think them being in touch is healthy for her.

How can I help her and get her to end the contact? Part of me wonders about stepping back and just letting her get on but I’m worried this constant contact is dragging the hurt on and she won’t ever get over it. She’s our eldest and her brother is a much more open book so I’m really at a loss on how to help.

@Liz79k, it’s horrible seeing them hurting isn’t it. She’s a bit of a closed book so doesn’t open up easily. We can gently tell she’s upset as she’ll be quite moody and snappy.

I’m encouraging her to block him. But she’s really reluctant. He’s snapped her three times today and although she’s not replying I know at some point she will. Her friends have also encouraged her to block him. If he’s dumped her, he needs to feel it, he doesn’t get to decide the parts of her he wants to keep. But I think she’s holding out the tiniest bit of hope that he’ll come back.

Been there with dd too and no contact is really the best way for a while. It is so hard to watch. We didn't have this with older teens as their relationships fizzled and were more 'typical teen ones', whilst dd's was more intense and a drastic breakup with no warning which left her totally heartbroken and a bit shocked....

It’s such a tough thing to watch as she’s still very much in touch with him. When she was younger, I could help her fix most of her problems but it’s hard to step back and leave her to work through it in her own way knowing that she’s going to end up heartbroken again when he meets someone else.

Several months on and she’s still not blocked him. Having glanced through her phone there’s some concerning messages from her asking him about girls that sound a bit obsessive on her part. She won’t have a bad word said about him despite him starting an unpleasant rumour about why they split (we have ascertained with all parties the rumour is not true). I’m really worried that she’s not really dealing with it. I think him suggesting it was a break and they might get back together in the future was the worst thing. I’ve had so many chats with her about going no contact, I’ve been gentle, I’ve been tougher and I’ve tried to feed it through shows we’ve watched together. I don’t feel I’m getting through to her and I’m worried this hanging onto him is really damaging for her.

We’ve tried to keep her busy. She plays hockey and goes to the gym but he was her best friend and I wonder if the ending of the relationship and his interest in other girls has knocked her self esteem but I’m unsure how to help or whether it just needs time. He’s behaved like a total dick to her and still she can’t have a bad word said against him. She’s a nice kid but I’m worried about her lack of boundaries. I might seem a bit over invested but as she’s our only teenage girl and I’ve not been through this with a teen before, I’m unsure what I should be doing and I really want to do the right thing by her.

You have really done all you can.

Now your job is to keep being a supportive parent. Does she have friends to hang out with? I would stop talking about him and the relationship at all now and focus on just being her mum in normal life. And I would make sure to facilitate other friendships with lifts or open house kind of things.

You can’t make her block him. My friend went through something very similar at 16 and it was really painful for ages esp the not having a clean break. In the end she found a new boyfriend which I think helped and eventually years later she’s friends again with the first one, they’re both married (to different people) and all is well.

Is she going to be at college with him next year?

All I can suggest is angry music and writing a list of his worst qualities! Alanis?! Surely it’s retro now. Does she have a good friend to speak to?

I don't think blocking is necessary, she just needs to kove on mentally. Meeting someone else really does work wonders, even if it doesn't materialize into a new relationship. Could you ask if there are any other boys she is talking to, who she likes?

I think the problem is that she’s unable to move on due to the contact which I’m hoping is starting to come to an end but from the bits I’ve seen she was looking at this friends social media and asking him things about girls and I worry a little about it moving into the realms of cyber stalking. She recently fell out with a friend who was bullying her and spreading an untrue rumour about her. She does talk to friends but not in depth about him. She hasn’t really wanted to talk to anyone and is a bit of a closed book. We’ve only got one college locally to use and he goes to that college which I’m a bit concerned about.

In reality they needed a clean break and she was on the verge of blocking him before he contacted her and I overheard her talking to him an few months back and him suggesting they might get back together in the future. He was messaging a lot of girls on Snapchat and dd ended up feeling very insecure about it and I suspect he wants to date other people (which he’s well within his rights to do). And he lent on my dd as a friend which I think has messed with her head a bit.

Can she not also talk to other boys on snapchat? Maybe you could encourage that line of thinking?

I wonder if the horrible friend situation is exacerbating the whole thing. She needs new people in her life. New activity? How far away is the next college?

She needs distraction and company and feminism 😁

The rumour the friend started was quite serious about why dd and her ex split. It was categorically untrue and we spoke to his parents about it but it originally came from him and he confirmed it to dd’s so called friend so I think that’s not helped. She’s had a mixed experience with friends.

She’s had friends who are lads before but she says a lot of them get the wrong idea.

Next college is 40 minutes away and she really wants to study at our local college with her friends as it has the courses she wants. I’m hoping by then it will have blown over and she’ll have moved on.

I’ve suggested talking about his bad points (of which there are a few) but she won’t hear a bad word said. Nor will she say anything about him. She’s very keen to be a good person and seems to not understand you can still be a good person and have boundaries. I noticed she was quite anxious in the relationship and that made her insecure and I wonder if some counselling about being able to verbally express herself and about her self esteem might help.