Hard working perfectly behaved son can't get friends his age

[nextwed14]

My son is 16 and in year 12 at a local sixth form, he is very hardworking and studious. He got amazing GCSE's and always works hard at everything he does. He was head boy at his previous school and is very confident.

He is struggling to maintain friendships as he is known as a boring geek. He is very trendy and very into popular culture like most teenagers but he doesn't drink or vape - he is also autistic and gay and very very happy with who he is and refuses to ever change which is great but he has nothing in common with other teenagers and can't fit in with the kids that do work and study as he has nothing in common with them either.

He has a few friends (all girls in year 11) and also a big group of friends from his hobby but they are all 18.19 20.

The teachers at school love him because he is the model student but teenagers really don't get him and keep trying to corrupt him. They don't invite him out as they dont want to be seen mingling with a nerd and tee totaler!!!! He is also a complete extrovert and can be quite loud and overpowering and I think this puts some people off him.

He wants to have a few friends his own age but he doesn't want to have to change to get them.

Not really sure what the point of this post is but he is so social and outgoing and and great company but he just can't seem to gel with anyone between 15 and 18 which is the age group he spends most of his time with. He has made a good friend on the school bus and she is 14 and is also very close to our next door neighbour who is 28 because they talk fashion and love island but nobody his own age!

Is he bothered by this or just you? My DS now 17 and ASD has never minded the not fitting in thing. There are a few who are his people and that’s enough for him.

I don't think there is a problem here at all, he is comfortable in his own skin, has friends he has things in common with and is doing well at school.

My own son the same age has no friends at all of any age but I'm learning to accept that's the situation as it is for now (also suspected autistic but very quiet).

Be reassured that your son sounds like he's doing more than fine :)

Hi @nextwed14 . My son is in a similar situation. He tried a LGBTQ group with help from his social presciber. Sending hugs 🫂 💐

So I think you mean he doesn't have friends at sixth form as it seems that the Year 11 girls and the younger people doing the hobby are 15-18?

Unless the sixth form is very small it seems unlikely that everyone is into vaping and drinking, so I doubt that is the reason. I suspect he is giving out a negative impression of himself that puts off others - whether that's because he's loud or because he's "showing off" about being a model student. Worth reflecting on "why" anyway.

Is no one at school interested in his hobbby? If he's made friends with the girl on the bus and Year 11 girls, why doesn't that translate to making friends with girls in his own age group (could they perceive him as immature?)

I don’t think you should worry about this, unless he is very worried about it.

Kids his age aren’t well known for being great company and it sounds like he will come into his own when he is older and at university. I think his peer group will catch up with him eventually. As they age, they’ll be more forgiving and a bit more empathetic

the autism is not going to be helping- especially if he’s a loud extrovert as I think kids his age are very scared about sticking out or being ‘different’ so they don’t necessarily seek out others who are.

Id encourage him to find ways to cope with this and accept it. Focus on his older/younger friends as his personality and drive will take him far

I think because he is so social and outgoing he finds school really hard he finds because no one wants to be social with him unless it involves sitting in the common room drinking coffee and making insta vids - which he would be happy to do once he has completed his work. He says he feels so lonely at school because he is such a people person and he is seen as someone he isn't (geek) because he makes the right choices. He went to a party a couple of weekends ago and he really felt he was fitting in but once they found out he doesn't drink or vape they didn't want to know him or try to convert him. The kids that work hard and don;t drink etc don't tend to be the quiet kids and he is definitely not quiet!!

My DCs do not drink or vape but they do a ton of hobbies and have loads of friends. They also study. Their friends all have loads of hobbies too, be it sports or music or drama, so these kids socialise doing stuff. Does he have any hobbies? Did he ever try drama?

“Kids his age aren’t well known for being great company…”

What an odd thing to say. Kids ‘his age’ love being around other teenagers. My kids were all about the social at that age…They’d be excited all week just for the church youth club on a Friday!

Op, is your son coming across a little bit ‘too perfect’ and cookie cutter ‘model student’? If so there may not be an angle other kids can get in on. If he’s uber-confident and doesn’t appear vulnerable in any single way, other teens might see him as intimidating or unapproachable. Vulnerability is often the glue at that age. Perhaps role model with him asking questions and being curious about his peer group. As another pp said - extra curricula and social clubs are another avenue.

He needs to go to places people share his interests and that isn't guaranteed to be in the school environment.

Has he tried drama classes / am drama groups or volunteering as an usher at the local theatre?
Air cadets - although on the upper limit for joining, suits studious people
Scouts etc

He is at an awkward age when he is at the upper age for youth activities unless he joins as a helper but at the lower age for adult activities.

As he is autistic how are his social skills, just because he is brilliant at school doesn't mean that transfers to how he interacts with others.

You say he is loud and extroverted but how does that come across? Is he using inappropriate volume and tone to the situation etc.

You probably don’t mean to be, but you’re coming across as very judgemental. Do you think this is rubbing off on your son and this is why he isn’t making friends. All this talk of ‘right choices’, generalising that other academic children are quiet, and assuming children aren’t friends with him because he doesn’t drink or vape. Understandably you think your child is wonderful, but it may not be the case that his lack of ability to make friends is because of other children, it’s very rare not to find someone you get on with (incidentally this generation have the lowest rates of drinking and smoking).

You seem very condescending towards all the other kids at school. Not all of them are smoking, vaping, drinking coffee and making Instagram videos. You talk about your son making the right choices as if the other students are, and if your son is exuding this same attitude in any way it's probably the reason he doesn't have a lot of friends. You write as if you look down on these other kids.

And no, not all the kids who don't smoke/vape etc are quiet kids vs your extrovert son. Plenty of those teens will be confident and extroverted too.

I'd just remind him that because someone is born the same year as you doesn't mean you have to get along and concentrate on the friends he has.

'Corrupt him' 'convert him'

You do sound as though you think your son is above everyone else and if you do then he will and nobody wants to be friends with someone who looks down on them

It’s not odd- year 11 kids are not great company unless you are also year 11.

i do a voluntary sports group with kids that age and while they are very social with each other, they are brutal to anyone who doesn’t fit in.

personally I think older teens and adults are more accommodating of difference so can be better company.

He sounds like he has a good personality for social media. You seem to sneer a bit at "making Instagram videos" but if he's really charming, outgoing and confident in his own identity, then social media is often a good outlet. I know someone who sounds very similar to your son...gay, ND and loves niche fandoms that are quite popular online. He ended up becoming a successful influencer and found a whole tribe of people in real life who also share the same interests.

I completely agree @rubixcoobe . Teenagers can be hard going and it can be very tough for someone who is perceived to be different. That's not an odd opinion at all OP. School especially can be a bit of an endurance test - but it sounds like your son will thrive once he gets through and out into "real life".

You sound quite condescending about these other kids who ‘drink and vape’. Do you think that might have rubbed off on him. They won’t only be interested in hanging around with people who also want to drink and vape. It’s not a hobby. You don’t talk about drinking and vaping while drinking and vaping.

It doesn’t sound like a problem if he is happy in his other friendships. You don’t have to only have friends your own age. Can’t he just hang out with the others more?

OP, I get you, my ds was the same at that age. He didn't have many good friends at school (maybe 2). He did do a regular sport which brought him into contact with peers and they were perfectly 'friendly' but not good friends.
Things improved a bit when he got a part time job and met a wider age group but things really improved once he was at University - it seemed it was easier to find a group of people he could relate to. He is still quite self contained though.
As long as he's happy I wouldn't stress too much - sounds like he knows his own mind and can relate to quite a wide group of people

The way you talk about him is odd - sort of a list of boxes ticked, and no understanding that social interaction is quite complex and subtle.

You say he is "wrongly seen as a geek" when in fact he is social and outgoing and "trendy" and "very into popular culture". Then you say the other kids want to "corrupt" him by getting him to drink. I have to say, other 16 year olds may be arseholes, but they are probably best placed to recognise exactly where he stands socially. And kids who are a bit awkward often find it easier to form friendships with people of other ages - I would encourage those friendships, and also I wonder if there are other kids at school who are slightly outside the norm? They might not be venturing into the common room if it is socially tough, but he could look out for them in class.

lol, the amount of people he already socialises with is astonishing.....I socialise only with my 2 colleagues and this is like, each of us brings her morning coffee from outside and sit in the office and have a bit of a whole life ramble

My thoughts too.

Does school run clubs he might be interested in

I agree. If he is voicing this "right choices" stuff around people in his sixth form, that isn't going to make people want to befriend him.

Also - he says he wants to socialise at sixth form, but won't do it until he's finished his work, and it sounds as though that means he doesn't socialise at all. If he genuinely wanted to socialise, he'd do it, and do the work another time. The time he spends in the common room isn't the only time he has available to get his work done, but it is his best opportunity to try to build friendships at sixth form.

If he is routinely turning down invites to share a coffee and have a chat in favour of working, it will be seen as a brush off. And if he makes comments that implies he sees this as "making the right choices", it will be seen as downright rude.

Yeah, I'd be surprised if this view hasn't rubbed off on him and how he interacts with his peers.

He’s unlucky with his year group at this particular school.

DD moved and found a better mix by moving.

Is there somewhere more academic he could go? I know the boys I knew at this age were very intelligent hardworking hilarious and gay! So much fun!! They had a hard time fitting in to their school though but found each other, maybe 3 or 4 of them. Then stuck together.