Hard working perfectly behaved son can't get friends his age

[nextwed14]

My son is 16 and in year 12 at a local sixth form, he is very hardworking and studious. He got amazing GCSE's and always works hard at everything he does. He was head boy at his previous school and is very confident.

He is struggling to maintain friendships as he is known as a boring geek. He is very trendy and very into popular culture like most teenagers but he doesn't drink or vape - he is also autistic and gay and very very happy with who he is and refuses to ever change which is great but he has nothing in common with other teenagers and can't fit in with the kids that do work and study as he has nothing in common with them either.

He has a few friends (all girls in year 11) and also a big group of friends from his hobby but they are all 18.19 20.

The teachers at school love him because he is the model student but teenagers really don't get him and keep trying to corrupt him. They don't invite him out as they dont want to be seen mingling with a nerd and tee totaler!!!! He is also a complete extrovert and can be quite loud and overpowering and I think this puts some people off him.

He wants to have a few friends his own age but he doesn't want to have to change to get them.

Not really sure what the point of this post is but he is so social and outgoing and and great company but he just can't seem to gel with anyone between 15 and 18 which is the age group he spends most of his time with. He has made a good friend on the school bus and she is 14 and is also very close to our next door neighbour who is 28 because they talk fashion and love island but nobody his own age!

I don't think he's unlucky. The picture the OP has painted (with everyone either boring/nerdy, or drinking/vaping and trying to corrupt her precious son) is so unlikely that I highly doubt it's accurate.

The school will be a mix, as all schools are.

Totally agree.
you wouldn’t get anyone more dedicated to her studies than my daughter (😊) - doesn’t drink/smoke/vape etc but even she understands that part of student life is chatting to others during free periods and that this is important especially at the beginning where people are making new friendships and have to get to know each other. She’s been surprised by how little time they have in lessons to chat and get to build friendships so they need to do it at some point in the day.
one of the lessons I’ve been trying to teach my daughter is not to judge people and discount friendships on first impressions. We’ve chatted lots about her thinking people weren’t her type e.g too quiet, too loud, and she’s taken this on board and slowly building some lovely relationships with all sorts of people.

It sounds like he just hasn't found his tribe in 6th form. If you think about it school is very strange in that you're expected to mix only with people that are exactly the same age as you, he can just hang with the Yr 11 girls if that works for him.

He's much more likely to find his tribe at uni I'd say.

Op, he's autistic. If he's very concerned with following rules and 'doing the right thing', and is loud and overbearing then in the nicest possible way he's probably quite annoying. I work with a lot of autistic teens. It's great that he has girl friends and older friends. If he wants to fit in more then sitting drinking coffee and making videos sounds actually quite fun.

I think @Grepes and @TheYearOfSmallThings make good points. You’re very fixated on his peers perceiving him ‘wrongly’, but I think you need to credit them with more nous. Vast numbers of teenagers neither drink nor vape. It’s highly unlikely it’s this alone that is putting his peers off initiating friendships with him. Surely it’s just as likely that his ‘loudness’ and ‘overpoweringness’ are offputting?

I agree with this! He's not fully baked yet op! Play the long game. He'll find his way. This time of his life is all about change and development and my DD and my nephew with ASD took slightly longer to find their tribe but they both got their eventually in their mid- to late-twenties and they are both very happy now.

PS Do you think you may possibly have ASD too?

Some interesting and informative replies here so thank you. He just wants to work hard get good results and have friends he can hang with during the school day, but I don't think the 3 go together. Weekends and holidays he is always out and about with friends either older or younger. We looked at several colleges and 6th form but this one seemed to have a great onus on individuality and although there seemed to be alot of diversity there seems to be only the two camps the hard working children who don't really socialise or the kids who socialise but don't study. He loves the courses he is doing and has a great group of friends out of school so I think he may have to accept that for now and enjoy what and who he does have rather than what he doesn't if that makes sense.

there seems to be only the two camps the hard working children who don't really socialise or the kids who socialise but don't study.

It seems incredibly unlikely that this particular 6th form is so very different from every other 6th form in the country.

My DD just moved from one school to another. She's a very specific type of person. Much happier at new school as she just met 'her tribe' and vibe of people. You can be unlucky.

Teachers will say over the years, I've heard them many times, that one year group is easy going, another is hard work. You get different dynamics everywhere.

have you loved a job some places and hated them other places. it's to do with the people there. It's such a commonplace thing to happen.

IMHO he's just unlucky.

A typical team at work usually consists of maybe 5-20 people, whereas a sixth form is 100 people plus. It's very unlikely that there are only two types of people in this particular sixth form.

The judgemental language the OP uses about these kids is very telling, IMO.

Where does he go and what does he do currently during unstructured time?

Are there enrichment clubs at college for him to get to know people with similar interests?

If people are going for coffee after a lesson and he turns his nose up at it everytime then he'll stop being invited. That is where the friendships are formed, in the world of work, networking, small talk etc are essential skills and may need practising if they don't come naturally due to his autism.

Autistic DD basically made herself an 'algorithm' for small talk, mention the weather, mention what she watched on TV or read, mention something from class. That way the chat naturally evolves but she has also had input to it too even if she lets the rest wash over her. As he is academic perhaps he needs to view socialising as a sociological challenge and he can keep some of his school work for home instead of doing it all there.

If people are going for coffee after a lesson and he turns his nose up at it everytime then he'll stop being invited.

Agree. He is being invited, it seems, so the other kids are making an effort!

There is nothing wrong with "sitting in the common room drinking coffee and making insta vids" in order to build friendships, and then doing your homework at home later on.

And choosing to turn down the offer of socialising isn't "the right choice" if your aim is to make friends.

Maybe encourage friendships with the older people? I had one who was/is NT, no issues, and in high school never really ‘clicked’ with friends their age. Once they started casual work outside of school they clicked with the older crowd in that workplace - so at 16yo would have had friends 20/21years old. Once they left school around 18yo, their established friendship group was mid-20’s and is still going strong.

Edited to add, another of my kids had/has quite a few friends younger as well as ones their own age. They are ND and when they were at school, connected with some kids 3 years younger due to a shared hobby. They are out of uni for a while and working and still firm friends with the younger crowd, who are no longer ‘young’😁.

there seems to be only the two camps the hard working children who don't really socialise or the kids who socialise but don't study.

That makes it sound like he hasn't really made the effort to get to know anyone. A sixth form really doesn't split nicely into two halves like that. It might be that those that work hard at school socialise lots outside of hours. And the ones that he sees chatting at school are doing more of their work in the evening/weekends.

I'd suggest he needs to go and chat to those that are socialising and not working at school to get to know them a bit more. And maybe get to know the workers through studying together (which could lead to socialising). Are there no school clubs? No one hangs out after school?

Lots of kids socialise AND study OP.

He needs to meet them where they are literally. Go and have a few coffees a couple of times a week he doesn't have to go every day and then in a couple of weeks once friendships have formed on the other days he can invite those he shares classes with with him to form a study group "oh I can't today I need to prep for X lesson so need to go to the library, do you want to come with?"

It may be that he hasn't found his tribe
It may be that others are finding him to be overbearing and judgemental so, having made initial overtures of friendship, are backing off. I find it interesting that you consider he is such a good judge of character and situations. Many with autism struggle with social nuance and I wonder if this might apply to your DS too and things aren't quite as he perceives them

hi op one of my children is autistic and I think you have to be really careful not to be judgemental of others who are not like your son!

Just because he is the way he is - he isn't 'better' than other teens his age

My autistic daughter can be quite judgemental of others - with her black and white thikning but I always try to discourage this tendency

I also wonder if he actually is unhappy? he sounds fine ! Like a v happy kid - is it you who wishes he had more 'normal' social set up with friends his own age

it's 'normal' for ND kids to not quite fit in - he will be fine in life as he grows older and age doesn't matter so much.

but i do think you should be avoiding putting kids in boxes so much.

I also agree that he may be lacking understanding in 'friend making' - very classic autism presentation

for example - my daughter wants friends - but really really struggles to do things unless it is done her way. (She is younger than your son still in primary) - so other children ask her to 'play' but she won't - because it's not what she wants to do - but then she is hurt and sad and feels rejected

a nuerotypical child (like my son) just thinks okay - if I play this stupid game with them I can then turn things around to my idea! and gets on with it - that is how socially competent children think - they are FLEXIBLE in their thikning

it tends to be that ND children are very inflexible - so rather than your son being the absolutely perfect teen! which you are suggesting - he may be the one lacking the flexibility to see that he needs to break free from studying while in college, go for chats/ coffees/ lunches if he actually wants to make friends.

I find your post very odd.

It sounds like your son is fine with being seen as a geek and prioritising getting his work done during school hours over socialising. If he doesn’t want to change his routine to socialising at school then doing his work at home then I think that you should accept that because that’s his legitimate choice as a Sixth Former. I have an academic DD and she chose to spend study periods at school socialising and worked at home because she wanted friends to sit with at lunch, see during holidays etc I think that’s a equally “good choice” to working through study periods but your son is old enough to make that decision.

Not all Sixth Formers smoke and vape ime. Does he openly judge those who do? The sentence about not trying to convert him is odd- peer pressuring people into doing “bad things “ is younger teen behaviour ime and the fact that people don’t is a good thing.

Does Sixth Form do his hobby as an extracurricular club? Might help him work out which people share his interests.

Why does his sexuality matter, is he really flamboyant and out there because a lot of people would be put off by that