Teen DS pushing the boundaries

[Ilovepugs2017]

Hey,

Just wanted a bit of advice really. Teen DS is 13 and likes going out socialising with his mates in the evenings after school. He usually stays fairly local and we ask him to be in by 9.15pm at the latest for him to have a shower, wind down etc ready for bed for 10.15 ish for school the next day.

I’m finding lately though that he’s really pushing the boundaries. Last night being a prime example of this.
Went out at 4.30 with mates, told him to be back in by 9.15…. Get a text off him at around 9.15 saying he was playing football with mates didn’t notice the time and could I go and pick him up. He wasn’t exactly round the corner though so it was a 10-15 minute drive to go and collect him.

I got there and noticed he wasn’t where he had asked me to meet him even though I told him to wait there and I’d be straight up to get him. Tried calling him - answerphone, battery had died. Tried then ringing his mates phone who he was with who said he wasn’t with him and was with some girls they hang around with the last time he saw him. Baring in mind, I don’t have these other friends numbers. So there I am hanging around where I was meant to meet him, trying to find a way to get in contact with him.

Anyway I eventually manage to get hold of him via his friend contacting the girls he was with and he turns up 15 mins later at the place he was meant to meet me. I’m so annoyed that he hasn’t listened in making sure he was home by that time in the first place, that I’ve then had to go and collect him and he wasn’t there and also that he hasn’t kept enough battery to be able to contact me!

I’ve now said he’s not going out after school today and will be missing his rugby game tonight too as he’s just pushing the boundaries.

Am I being too harsh?! in terms of not letting him participate in the game. I just feel I need to do something that will get him to see he can’t be messing about like this especially late at night on a school night!

Why are you letting him stay out for nearly 5 hours?!
What about dinner, homework, family time?
An hour out with his friends twice during the week is more than enough.

I don’t usually punish for a one off. Phone dying, losing track of time is something that happens now and then. I would punish if it were a pattern such that it cannot be anything other than deliberate versus just being the unreliableness of youth.

This with bells on. That's a huge window to get himself into trouble at that age. Different if he's at formal sports training but should have an hour of homework at least at that age.

I would hold the line on this punishment. He's let his team down, not you.

I would stop him hanging out for azweek, but not structured activities- these are a positive influence.

This. He’s out for far too long.

Agree with others - far too long to be out regularly on a school night.

I can’t imagine letting a young teen out for five hours with no idea where he is, who he’s with or what he’s up to. If he can’t even be trusted to stick within those very weak boundaries there is no way he’d be going out to hang out. I wouldn’t stop structured activities though.

He has food before he goes out and takes drinks with him. Money for snacks etc. Usually does homework on weekend before he goes out

By stopping him playing the match you are forcing him to let his team down.
Punishments should only affect the guilty party. Better off make him do something extra.

I would keep going with the structured activities.

I'd be very concerned he's basically hanging around on the streets with nothing to do.

I'd be finding him things to do.

It isn’t just a one off though he’s persistently pushing boundaries with the time he comes in with excuses usually

He is out far too late and far too long. He has broken your trust so he needs to have better boundaries put in. He needs to be doing some homework each night. I would not let a 13 year old roam the streets especially when it is dark.

Whilst I don't disagree with the 5 hrs being too much, the suggestion of an hour out twice a week is ridiculous. And then we complain that kids are sat inside on their consoles. An hour is barely time for a game of footie and a natter and only twice a week.

But obviously he should be where he says he is and messing you about when you've gone to collect him is disrespectful.

He should be doing homework every night!

Sorry but this is really shocking parenting. He is a child who should be at home with his family in a supervised environment.

My son is around that age and it seems normal that they are all out for around 3-4 hours in the evenings after school. I can see why this might be shocking to some people, but fairly normal here in London as far as I can see.

He doesn’t have homework every night though?!

I think some assumptions are being made wrongly and perhaps I should have been more clear. He isn’t out 5 hours every evening. Usually goes out about 6-6.30 for a bit but yesterday was a bit earlier because him and his mates were going to watch a friends local football game.

Ok. Then time for a serious discussion and to clip his wings a bit.

Also in London and definitely not the norm for that age to be out for hours after school here. Latest we have them out is to 6.45pm and once or twice maximum a week - and that's only if no homework. On top of scheduled activities and homework, it's usually less each week (but weekends during daytime has time out with mates)

Thanks. His usual is about 3 hours. Yesterday was longer as he was going to watch a friends football game.

This is the main bit I wanted advice about. Was thinking of maybe letting him do the game but just saying he isn’t to go out tomorrow evening instead so there’s still consequences but then he isn’t missing the game…

Fairly normal here too, or they were out helping at youth club etc. I sometimes think I'm on a different planet. We've never felt the need for homework every night, it was usually done Saturday mornings, one evening at homework club and an evening a week, apart from the arty ones who always had a project on the go. Sometimes they even did it in a group at friends houses.

Mine are grown now (apart from one, who isn't invited out very often and I wish he was), they've grown up into good people, with good prospects, without excessive helicoptering.

Well you've laid out the punishment now so you have to follow through. Next time maybe don't make him miss rugby but there does need to be consequences.

I volunteer with a youth organisation and it is annoying when kids who are supposed to be helping at an event let us down because they've been grounded. Their parents always have a, shrug, what can you do type attitude when they tell us 🙄

So I'd say let him play in the match, but ground him from going out. Actions have to have relevant consequences.

You will need to set and agree reasonable expectations (phone charged, homework done, time back home etc) with your DS. If those expectations are then broken by him, you will need to follow with consequences. If socialising is very important to him, then to me that would be the most obvious place to start for consequences.

I think it is great he is out and socialising.
How about a earlier home time
Check in and make sure when he gets gome what he is off to do and where and when will he return by agreed time.
He messed up once so a reminder or cancel tomrws chance to go out.
Does he have any chores?
My teen has finally decided to socialise in the ecenings isnt it refreshing to see a more social and happy child than one sitting it a bedroom texting away every night...it is for us.