How to cope with a teen that never follows their routine?

[SmileLady]

My DD, aged 13 is driving me absolutely round the bend.

Context: We are a family of five kids. DH and I both work full-time. My DD, aged 13, is the second youngest. Everyone in the family, including the 7 year old, follows their morning routine. DD13 & DD15 are on the role at the school I work in. We have to leave at 7am on the dot; otherwise, we get stuck in about 1.5 hours of traffic to get to work. If we leave any later all of us are late. Sometimes up to an hour late for school/work. I get up at 5.30am every morning and makes the lunches.

DH takes the other three to school. They are in 3 different schools.

It's NOT hard

Alarm goes off.
Get Up- make bed
, use toilet, wash face brush teeth, get dressed.
Come downstairs check bag- do you have water bottle, lunch box, glasses, PE kit (if needed), home work etc.

Have breakfast- everyone has a choice, bagels, cereals, boiled eggs, toast. they make their own.

Then get on jacket and shoes and leave the house.

EVERY SINGLE morning, DD13 has forgotten something, such as her glasses and PE kit. We arrive at school, and it's freezing cold, and she doesn't have her coat.

At night, she won't have a shower until late, then dilly-dallies around and isn't in bed until after 10 p.m. She can't get up in the mornings. She is not allowed her phone anymore as she sits mindlessly scrolling.

I am seriously considering just leaving her to get the bus to school in the mornings and just take the hit for the consequences of her actions. I am genuinely worried about the impact this is having on my job as I arrive at work completely emotionally frazzled and this affects me all day. I can't seem to shake the effect that she has on me every morning,. Does anyone have any advice??

I'm guessing that the major roadworks involve a major road, the sort that doesn't have pavements. We're about 3 miles from our nearest secondary but you couldn't walk there by that route.

haha! Just arrived- we left at 7.06am.....

There are no pavements and no cycle lanes. Literally, everything is mud. A cyclist got knocked over by a lorry a few weeks ago.

I wish we could walk/cycle but it's too dangerous. All the pavements have been dug up.

Se was much better today, but DH took it upon himself to manage her every move this morning as I got the others ready....

Anyway have a good day.

Sounds like a nightmare of a commute when you have roadworks like that it adds another layer of stress on top off everyone. Looking up things that help executive functioning will help her, do visual reminders help, lists, yes doing as much as poss the night before, breaking every step down, we also use one of those sunrise alarm clocks that lights up her room. If you have a kid wired like this they really do need extra scaffolding until their brain catches up. And often it’s adhd linked more the ADhD variety.

Teenagers mature at different rates though, maybe it is really too much for her to remember all her stuff and be ready by 7am when she's tired, if she's not gone to bed until late too, teens need more sleep than that.
I would help her get everything ready the night before , get parental controls set up on her devices so she can't access them after 9pm so she can get to sleep earlier, let her eat breakfast in the car or even after getting to school so she can get a bit of extra time to wake up in the mornings.
My DD is 13 too and she does get tired, they are actually still children even if they don't want to hear that, I think you might be expecting too much from her - yes a lot of 13 year olds could manage fine but some really can't

OP, you say she doesn't habe ADHD/autism, but have you looked at pathological demand avoidance?

https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/about-pda/what-is-demand-avoidance/

I am a softy but I wouldn't be going back for things. She is being disrespectful making you late and I would have very little tolerance of this. It sounds as if you are doing a lot to support her and she is being an annoying teen. Have a chat to see if she has any ideas about strategies to help and employ them but then If she forgets things she has to face the music at school or go back and catch the bus.

@SmileLady
Has your child actually been assessed or have you decided they don't have ADHD and autism?

I would recommend having her take her things out the night before (coat out somewhere she'll see it, things packed in her bag already, clothes laid out, etc.) I'm not sure what to do regarding the bedtimes though, my DS13 is great about getting to bed on time, bless him. I would also suggest making lunches the night before and storing them in the fridge for the night! It's a big time saver!

Hi all,

So I sat her down, and we talked it all through. I said to her from now on, it's up to you to be ready and I know you can do it. For the past 2 days shes been fully ready at 7am. No issues. Long may it last!!

She does not have autism/ ADHD , she was screened last year.

Presumably if she has been assessed, you thought it was possible. Maybe some of the strategies for ND children around these types of issues would still be helpful?

fantastic

I missed the update - that's really positive.

Even getting screened means she's clearly struggling with executive functioning. She needs support with systems, strategies and (loving) natural consequences.

Set the stage for her success and then she has to deal with the natural consequences if not. With empathy and prior warning.

That is an incredibly long journey in the morning, if there wasn’t the current work how long would it take?
I have an element of understanding and of sympathy for her (also for you but different reasons). Some of us are night owls and some are larks, within this there is a variation too. It isn’t just about when your body clock wants to sleep it is about when your brain is at its clearest and most productive. Forcing yourself into a different sleep pattern can impact your health. It may be that you can put all the systems in place but she has woken up at what feels like the middle of the night and will not be mentally switched on.
You can work on her getting ready the night before and if she is without something that is on her. You can minimise the demands on her in the morning, loo, teeth, wash face, uniform on, pick up bag, grab something to eat in the car, breakfast and brush hair in the car.
You could help her to see whether a good sleep hygiene routine might help with wind down and maybe settled earlier.
It is possible that she is your first child who is a night owl so the routine that worked for the rest of you genuinely doesn’t work for her. She didn’t pick the routine but she is expected to follow it, she maybe didn’t pick the school either.
If any of this applies to her, or any ND, or just teenage brain then having battles just creates stress and can be counterproductive.
Yes you have to leave in time to get too school but I would limit interaction to giving time warnings, and maybe giving her a cuddle and acknowledging she is a sleepy head.
I had a teenager like this, luckily we lived about two minutes from the school. She was an adult before I truly appreciated the extent of how much this is just her body not her choice.

Without the road works it takes about 15 mins

Had missed you update, glad things are working a bit better. The work leading to the long journey must be incredibly frustrating!