How to cope with a teen that never follows their routine?

[SmileLady]

My DD, aged 13 is driving me absolutely round the bend.

Context: We are a family of five kids. DH and I both work full-time. My DD, aged 13, is the second youngest. Everyone in the family, including the 7 year old, follows their morning routine. DD13 & DD15 are on the role at the school I work in. We have to leave at 7am on the dot; otherwise, we get stuck in about 1.5 hours of traffic to get to work. If we leave any later all of us are late. Sometimes up to an hour late for school/work. I get up at 5.30am every morning and makes the lunches.

DH takes the other three to school. They are in 3 different schools.

It's NOT hard

Alarm goes off.
Get Up- make bed
, use toilet, wash face brush teeth, get dressed.
Come downstairs check bag- do you have water bottle, lunch box, glasses, PE kit (if needed), home work etc.

Have breakfast- everyone has a choice, bagels, cereals, boiled eggs, toast. they make their own.

Then get on jacket and shoes and leave the house.

EVERY SINGLE morning, DD13 has forgotten something, such as her glasses and PE kit. We arrive at school, and it's freezing cold, and she doesn't have her coat.

At night, she won't have a shower until late, then dilly-dallies around and isn't in bed until after 10 p.m. She can't get up in the mornings. She is not allowed her phone anymore as she sits mindlessly scrolling.

I am seriously considering just leaving her to get the bus to school in the mornings and just take the hit for the consequences of her actions. I am genuinely worried about the impact this is having on my job as I arrive at work completely emotionally frazzled and this affects me all day. I can't seem to shake the effect that she has on me every morning,. Does anyone have any advice??

Could you have spares of all the usual forgettable things in the boot of the car? Functional but not as nice, so non branded trainers for pe, spare old glasses etc. so they are there for her to use but aren't her 'ideal' so no turning back, no getting into trouble but still some form of consequence for forgetting? Agree she probably needs more support but sounds very frustrating if you are asking her and she says she has it then doesn't, that would drive me mad!

Tough. The only way she’s going to learn to do the things she needs to do and have the things she needs to have is if she’s had to face the consequences of not having them.
My girls school is a 40 minute (at least) round trip from our house. Come the day they started there at 9 years old I’ve been very clear that no one will be going back for things they’ve forgotten or coming into bring them stuff. I think I’ve only broken this once in 5 years.
If you are certain your child has no additional needs and you have done everything you can to help her be prepared and remember then it’s time to get tough.

I do appreciate that your son is still only 12 but if you are truly saying he can’t, what’s the plan for when he’s 24 and living on his own?
And the Op is doing what you’ve suggested, she is running through the list and reminding and the child is getting stroppy and insisting she’s already done it, when she hasn’t, she just can’t be arsed to check!

Packed lunches done the night before, pe kit, coats etc in the car already.

When you arrive at 7am is there anyone else at school or is it just staff? If she needs more sleep could she just wake up wash face and do teeth, eat breakfast in the car and get dressed properly at school if she's not ready when you need to leave obviously would need to pack the bag with all her uniform the night before so she has everything.

Have you come across the Four Tendencies framework written by Gretchen Rubin? Essentially, there are two kinds of expectations on us - internal and external. We can meet them or resist them. That produces four basic personality types. Your daughter may be a Rebel - that is, she resists both internal and external expectations. That's her basic personality, and not something she can easily change, but she can learn to work with it. Rebels learn by information, choice, consequences. So - you need your PE kit tomorrow, do you want to pack it tonight or in the morning? We won't be going back if you forget. Then stick to that. It's the case for most kids of course that they'll learn from consequences, but for Rebels in particular it's really the only way they'll choose to do things differently. (DOI - married to a Rebel, with a Rebel second child. You have my sympathy. Oldest child is a lot easier to get with the plan!)

Why does she go to a school so far away instead of the local one she could walk to? Why 3 different schools for the other kids? Sounds really stressful.

I can't tell you how much I can feel your pain. It ruins Every Day.

Bed earlier.
Bag must be packed ready the night before.
Importantly stick to it.
It does help.

Can you put everything in the car the night before?

Morning, thanks......

Has she actually been assessed for ADHD and autism, or are you saying she doesn't have it because she can jump out of bed on a weekend?

Is there room in the hall for just HER bag? Then you can insist on bag being packed in hall the night before.
We have a checklist by the front door that lists everything. We run through it 10 mins before leaving, it's helpful to read it out loud so every item gets a "yes" or "don't have PE today" etc. You could do that with her the night before?

I feel for both of you - I am her, always forgetful, always upset with myself about it, which is why the only way I can combat it is to be really regimented about reading a checklist every time I'm leaving the house.

My 15yo is like this but has recently, finally, got themselves organised. I did have to let them suck up the consequences in the end and suggest not going back for stuff. Good luck it sounds so stressful.

ADHD or ADD might be a possibility

Some kids just develop executive functioning skills later and it’s also very adhd like (mine is ND). I have a dd the same it’s exhausting reminding promoting endless lists she just needs help or does forget stuff

The school is not far away. I didn't say that. It's about 2.5 miles from the house. Before the road works, it took about 15/20 minutes to go door to door. The roadworks are major infrastructure works. There is no other route to leave our road.

Before they started at my school (where I work), I had to drive them in the opposite direction to the local school and then backtrack to get to the school I work in. It used to take longer.

Once the road works are finished, it should be better as they're building a fly over and gantry, etc, and widening all the junctions onto the Motorway. But all the motorway traffic is being redirected past my area.

The older two are at colleges/ Sixth form in the opposite direction, and the 7-year-old is my niece, whom I have custody of, and she goes to the local primary.

Once we break for half term, I will do this. I don't have the time. I don't get in till about 7 anyway, and all weekends are taken up with taking one or all of the ikds to matches, trains and activities. Its a good idea. I thought abut have a zip up bag with socks, t-shirts, old trainers, and snacks in the car.

Why did you have to drive them to your local school? If the one you work at is only 2.5 miles away how far away is the "local" one?

We don't arrive at 7am; we leave the house at 7ish and arrive about 8am. The school is about 2.5 miles away. Due to the roadworks in my area every journey takes between 30-40 minutes longer then it did before. Even is popping to the supermarket.

Anyway, I am leaving now. I have been waiting for them. Roll on the half term....

Christ. You leave at 7am to arrive somewhere that’s normally 2.5miles away at 8am

This is mental, whatever sort of roadworks are they !

it would be so much quicker to bike.

It would be quicker to walk!

Yes my first thought is why isn’t she following her routine, not the routine. The routine clearly doesn’t match how her brain works.

I was a bit like that at that age and really wish my adults had helped me learn better executive function!

Good grief, why don’t you not drive the 2.5 miles then?! That would save you so much time!

Interesting that you say she’s not Autistic/ADHD, she sounds just like me at the same age and I was late diagnosed with both!
I’d suggest three things. One - sunrise alarm clock. I have a Lumie which gently gets brighter over 30 minutes before the alarm. I forgot to set it one day last week and I was amazed how much more difficult it was for me to wake up! Two - natural consequences. Stop nagging/reminding her. Let her forget stuff and live with the consequences. She’ll
be far more motivated to get it sorted if she does. At the moment there’s a pattern where she’s procrastinating/forgetful and you prompt it all. If you let her forget, she will be more likely to motivate herself. Three - multiple alarms/reminders. I have alarms every 15 minutes in the morning because I have time blindness. It’s the only way I can stay on track and get to work on time.

Why isnt it all being sorted the night before, OP? And ready by the door/in the hall to go.

(Or even put it in the boot of the car the night before)