My 16 year old son with no friends. I'm really sad.

[KatParr]

What do I do, if anything? It's been like this for about 18 months- 2 years. He drifted from a small group he was part of and never made new friends. He spent most of year 11 alone. He's at sixth form in the same school, with most of the same people and is still alone. We wanted him to move but it didn't happen in the end due to grades.

But, he's not unhappy or depressed. Seems to have accepted things the way they are. Says things like "I don't need anyone anyway"(which I challenged). He's genuinely a lovely lad, mature, funny, resilient and helpful. He's a pleasure to be around, but he's kind of locked out of formed friendship groups. It's so worrying and sad. I get horrible pangs when I see groups of boys his age who are obviously friends. I'm encouraging him to get a job and do some volunteering work. Can I do anything else?

Encouraging him to get a job is a great idea, I made so many wonderful friends working in pubs in my teens

Teen years can be so tough. Sometimes it can be for no other reason but that they don't fit well with the cohort that happen to be their peers. My daughter is on her 3rd secondary school and has finally found a really lovely set of kids where everyone is friendly to each other and everyone is welcome socially. The last place was horrendous. Someone might turn up in his year, you never know what is round the corner for them. I think you are absolutely right in the meantime to encourage extra curricular activities. A job, club, volunteering. All great ideas.

What about something like Explorers (next one up from scouts)? It's aged 14-18, DH is an explorer leader and DD went there too, it's good because they make friends with people from other schools. Theres a really good sense of belonging there.

This happened with my son around this age, in the end he sort of just barged his way into friendships. So he'd message acquaintances and say.. Do you want to meet up Saturday or Ive got nothing on, is it okay if I come to the party I've heard everyone In school mention. Through this he met new people and then girlfriends.
Also a new college and job helped.

I really sympathise OP - that sounds incredibly hard/upsetting, even if he's genuinely not that bothered!

My eldest son is 11 and has some nice friends that he's had since preschool, but he's hopeless at making new ones and I worry that they'll drift away and he'll be marooned, as it were, especially with being non-sporty.

Is he happy in his current 6th form? Is he likely to go to uni and if so, would he consider a gap year?

Do you think he has no friends because he isn’t socialising in person at weekends or after school? Is it possible that he’s messaging friends online in his free time and having a sociable time at school? I know it’s not how we remember our time at school but if it’s the latter it’s not so uncommon nowadays. If he really has no one that he’s connecting with at all, either in person or online, I can see how you’d worry. There are some good suggestions here, to which I would add joining a gym (is there one where the boys from school tend to go to?) or sports club?

Thanks everyone. I don't think he'd be interested in Explorers but thanks for the suggestion. He's an introvert and quite passive imo so he's not the type to just blag his way into existing groups either.
Gym is a good call and he's expressed interest in that in the past.
He says he "talks to" some people at school, maybe hangs out with them a bit in between lessons occasionally, but I worry he's saying that to stop me asking questions. I certainly don't badger him but every so often (6 weeks maybe) I check in and ask how he's managing socially. He gives me the bare minimum of info, says he's fine and that I "don't need to keep talking to him about it". He seems determined to do well at his A levels and go to university as he wants a good job etc but he commented recently that's he's aware he "has no life".
I don't think he's messaging anyone. He doesn't even spend much time on his phone. He games but they're all solo player games.

Maybe it will be uni before he really takes off. I just wish he was having more fun in the meantime

Your feelings are absolutely normal. I'll say to you what I know I do myself - and that is to explore how much you're projecting. He may absolutely be ok about this. It isn't always the case that kids his age want what we want or think they want. He might, but as always, I'm certain the pain of this will be yours much more than his

If you do everything to look at it this way and ease your own stress, you can then calmly say ' if there's anything you'd ever like to do or think about to get out and about or meet more people then let me know buddy ( or whatever lovely name you use) and happy to help you find it or fund it'.

And then you drop it. I know this is almost impossible. I notice that I am lonely and isolated because of ill health and that can make me project with kids.

Also if there's ND going on,he really may not care at all and be perfectly happy with minimal connections right now.

Oh bless him! My 16 year old DS is similar. He does have one best friend and he's friendly with lots of people at school but it doesn't seem to translate to friendships out of school. I think he's a bit afraid of rejection which puts him off trying to organise things or put himself out there.
Do encourage him to get a part time job. My son works in a cafe and gets on well with his co-workers and is good with customers so I feel at least he's getting some good social interaction there!

If he is naturally introverted you may need to back off a bit and ensure you aren't projecting your own anxieties...and what your idea of a social life is onto him

I really understand how painful it is as one of my children is autistic and much much less social than most children. Hard as it is to see I try to remember she is not me ...and she makes her own way in the world and will learn for herself what level of friendship she needs

Kids who have less of a social life may be less driven to be social than their peers at this stage in their life

If your son is asking you to stop commenting I think take a deep breath and just make home a welcoming place foe him. His life will change with each shift ..ie university etx

He night find college tiring and want to relax. ...you don't want him to feel yiu are watching and judging him as failing socially

Can he just message a mate at the weekend and ask if they say want to go to the cinema or come round and play the Xbox etc?! Maybe needs to be proactive.

Thanks, this is something I have thought may be the case. Am I projecting? I think I am a bit, but not entirely. I also have a strong suspicion there is ND involved (older sister who is diagnosed and wider family full of it). Thanks for your wise advice.

It's hard. I think you are doing the right things. I think it's worth trying to keep up wider family relationships if you have any at this age - seeing grandparents in particular can be very comforting, or cousins or aunts/uncles. Not all the time but even if you have to drag him and keep the visits short, imo it's worth it.

There’s so many introverted, keep to themselves lovely kids in the world. Hopefully he really actually doesn’t mind (I usent to think any of being on my own). Do ye have cousins he can ever hang out with? I’m assuming you’ve floated things like joining a chess club or warhammer group or something? Hopefully he does find a job (cinema or a Tesco or something with others his age is the dream, or dh when he was 16 volunteered at a youth hostel and had a fab summer!) or just finds his people as he goes on. And hope he enjoys life at home and ye have games nights/ film evenings etc. hugs op, it’s so hard watching them, we probably feel worse than they do!!!

Is he planning on going to uni? Hold on to hope that he may find his tribe there.

Thank you. My daughter is autistic and struggled hugely with friendships in her younger years but at one point just decided to push herself out there and now has a big friendship group. But he's not her.

I think you and others are right, I need to back off (though i don't think I'm being pushy in the conventional sense, I think even what I'm doing is too much)

My dd16 is exactly the same. Seems ok with the situation but would like to go out a bit more and have a social life. She has applied to join the police cadets but there's a very long waiting list.
She has also applied for various part time jobs but never gets to interview. It's so hard to get a job at 16 these days, I was hoping she could get a little job and make friends that way.
It's so heart wrenching, I'd love for her to have a few friends to go out with. She has made a few at college but says none of them appear interested in going out.

He gives me the bare minimum of info, says he's fine and that I "don't need to keep talking to him about it"

I would pay some heed to this. He is in a difficult situation but it sounds as if he is coping with it as well as possible. Encouraging him to find a job is a great idea, because it will pay him money, keep him busy, keep him meeting people outside school, and build his confidence. But anxiously asking him if he is talking to people and coping with having no friends is almost seeking reassurance from him, rather than building him up or showing confidence in him.

I would ease off on the vocal concern, and keep it to advocating achievable steps he can take.

I think this year group had it tough. They were 11 and in yr7 when covid hit A time when thry have gone up to high school and new friendships are forming and they are going out playing etc. They didnt get that, in fact they didnt get normal high school until yr9 when 'playing out' stops a bit.
Although my ds does have friends, he doesnt go out a lot, doesnt have a best mate as such but he does have people he talks to and does go to the odd party. not loads though.

On the other hand, my yr 8 child is never in, I think its because they socialise more and form more friendships in yrs 7&8 that the older ones didnt get.

Its not even a personality thing. My eldest js far more socialble and extrovert than the youngest, despite appearances being otherwise

My DS was in a very similar position. He is autistic and finds it really hard to start friendships or to develop them. He was very lonely in yr12, and it really made him feel low. I called a meeting with the head of sixth form and asked for help. His lovely teacher managed to orchestrate an introduction to a small group who were all also 'misfits'. He made some strong friendships and it really helped make his time in sixth form a happy one.

Fast forward to him starting uni this year, he has made a lovely set of friends and they have already been on meals out and trips out. I'm so proud of him. I think it took the uni environment where most young people are looking to make friendships for him to really be able to forge relationships. Maybe your son just needs a fresh pool of kids. But I'd definitely speak with school/college, they really can make a difference.

My daughter was like this and I also have a son in year 12.

Wifh my daughter, it took until the latter part of year 13 if I’m honest. Having a job helped too.

My son is in year 12 now. He struggled until year 10 and we moved his form. But I guess that’s not an option now. I second joining the gym. Mine loves it and whilst he goes with friends, there is also a much wider group of people he associates with due to the gym. He also has just got a job at Waitrose along with seemingly half his sixth form.

It’s hard,I feel for you.

@KatParr my own child is ND so your post felt familiar. Highly likely based on your family that your son is.

He'll be fine if he's saying he's fine. And if he's saying I know I have no life - that sounds to me that he's just parroting societal expectations including yours. ( I do the same, it's no criticism of you). So that phrase ' I have no life' could very well mean because i'm not fulfilling expectations of an NT world rather than meaning I feel sad and shit about my social situation. I have a feeling that he isn't as bothered as you think. He may be to sone extent but probably not on the level you'd think or the way an NT person would feel.

I think perhaps the message to give him (and keep repeating to yourself) is we can all have lonely phases in life.

Getting a job would help (would he work in the kitchen of a pub for instance? can b very sociable without having to be front facing).

But as you say - your daughter changed her relationship to her peers - he may do that too as he gets older. If she is autistic presumably he may have traits - perhaps the end of the day is his decompression time.

it is painful though, despite what I say I do worry internally so much for my own daughter about her social struggles.

If he's open to sport, we've found our local rugby club an incredible place for welcoming every one, lots on to do and great for fitness too obviously.

Good post.