My 16 year old son with no friends. I'm really sad.

[KatParr]

What do I do, if anything? It's been like this for about 18 months- 2 years. He drifted from a small group he was part of and never made new friends. He spent most of year 11 alone. He's at sixth form in the same school, with most of the same people and is still alone. We wanted him to move but it didn't happen in the end due to grades.

But, he's not unhappy or depressed. Seems to have accepted things the way they are. Says things like "I don't need anyone anyway"(which I challenged). He's genuinely a lovely lad, mature, funny, resilient and helpful. He's a pleasure to be around, but he's kind of locked out of formed friendship groups. It's so worrying and sad. I get horrible pangs when I see groups of boys his age who are obviously friends. I'm encouraging him to get a job and do some volunteering work. Can I do anything else?

I have two DS who are the same - one of them has a mild disability which means he comes across as a bit different to other kids which doesn't help. The older one is at uni now and has met lots of people who share his interests (vocational course). The younger one does some youth volunteering. Both of them have done expeditions at different times with British Exploring Society which has given the summer a focus when they didn't have much else to do. Maybe he could plan something similar for next year?

I reached out to our local scout group when going through this with my DS, and I'm sad to say that they were quite snotty with us. Seemed to deem joining to make friends an unsuitable reason to want to join! They stopped replying to my messages about him joining. Their loss.

Does he do any sporting activities?

Why did the other kids stop hanging out with him? What do they do he doesn't or vice versa.

Also I would say that even though your Ds is saying he's fine with it, check in regularly, as after a while he may not be fine with it but not know how to bring it up again. My DS claimed he was fine with just turning up to school and coming home again, talking to no one beyond his teachers....until 3 months later he broke down in tears with how lonely he was. These kids can break your heart.

He's probably being truthful.
Guys don't really ignore each other.
He probably has people to talk to in his actual classes and in passing.
Just doesn't hang out with them for the solid lunch period or socialise outside.
Does he have cousins to hang out with at the weekends?

My son is the same. Also 16. I could have written your post. He’s started college in Sept and still hasn’t really spoken to anyone and sits alone at lunch. I think about it so much. It’s hard not to ask questions - I’ve decided not to anymore or at least for a while.

My son was the same he’s now 18 and never in. His last year of school and his jobs made the biggest difference for him

I agree that getting a job is a good way of boosting your social confidence and skills, but that's with the caution to not do it if it will be absolute agony and too far out of the comfort zone that your ds is normally happy in. Working in a cafe, supermarket or similar can be great fun but it's quite pressured at times, members of the public and people you work with can be brusque, rude and intolerant, especially when you are new, so your ds has to actively choose where he thinks he wants to go if he does go for a job. I hope it works out for him.

My ds is 18 and nd. Had a tough time at school no real friends, he really struggles with his own age group but much better with older people. He has joined a kayaking group and really enjoys it. They meet a few times a week and there isn't all of that peer pressure so maybe a group like that or a running group that is of mixed ages might help? My ds doesn't like regular football, rugby etc so you might need to suggest things like kayaking, open water swimming, cycling clubs?
He also works part time now which has built his confidence. He seems happy and I've stopped asking him about friends. I did suggest the kayaking group but unless you have a suggestion I'd try and back off a bit which is extremely difficult!

Exactly the same...ds has just started college and hasn't made friends. He never struggled with this in primary and secondary...he always had friends. He barely tells me anything and I'm trying not to ask too much. It's so worrying

My son has always struggled. He has asd and is so so quiet but so lovely. He’s never given me any trouble and is a kind bright boy. He had school phobia/refusal so I started home educating at 7 years of age and he thrived in the home ed world of small classes and trips, still no bonds with anyone though (or when he was at school) , did a year at college at 14 doing GCSEs - still no friendships and now almost half a term in. I know he’d like to but he doesn’t have the skill of reciprocal conversation and answers questions , I help him to think of questions back and he tried it a couple of weeks ago but still hadn’t met his tribe or even that one person to sit with.

Maybe we should get all our introverted teens together 😁 it maybe a few hours of silence or it may be the start of a friendship.

@Poopandpee you're a sad dickhead!

I know this is an old post, but I was just wondering how your son is now doing?

Your son sounds exactly like my 16-year-old son. He has one close friend, and they hang out occasionally. Thankfully, my younger son—who’s only 14 months younger, is more outgoing, so at least he’s not completely isolated.

My son has some mild expressive and receptive language difficulties, which really affect his confidence when it comes to making new friends. I’ve noticed he struggles to keep conversations going, especially when he feels like he’s being judged by his peers.

He’s starting college in September, and I’m really hoping he’ll find one or two more friends he can connect with. I was just wondering - Is your son still in a similar situation, or has he managed to make a friend?

My 16-year-old is in a very similar situation right now, and it truly breaks my heart to see him not going out or socialising. He mostly plays solo games and rarely uses his phone to connect with others. I just wanted to check, has anything changed for your son, or is he still in the same place?
We’re based in Surrey, and I often wish there were a way to bring together teens like ours, a space where they can just be themselves without fear of judgment.

Does your ds have a girlfriend? If he does he may not want more social time. Other than gaming would he consider any hobbies? Do you know what his interest are and what he wants to do for his a-levels? Asking as he may well be happy and fulfilled as he is. The pp asking about projection, did you struggle with friendships at his age?

As a mum of a teen with friends who are mums of teens it seems to be common. I know that doesn't help, but he's not an outlier.

A job can really help. Just gives a whole new perspective. A mix of people, quite a structured environment, lots of opportunities to talk one on one with others. Really improves confidence socially.

OP, does your son have any interest or tried table top games such as Warhammer ( although there are a lot of other forms)? A lot of towns have independent venues so it does not have to be Games Workshop centric. My son was similar to your’s when he was younger and developed a love for such games and met a lot of like minded people and now has a very active social life. Due to how the games are structured players are matched with each other quite often , so forced socialising if you like.

Sorry just realised this is an old post.

No girlfriend. He does go to the gym and really enjoys cycling, but he’s not into football, which I think makes it harder for him to find a common starting point for conversations.

He’s chosen A Level Maths, 3D Design, and Business, and I’m really hoping that Sixth Form College will give him the chance to make some friends.

At his age, I had a good group of friends, even though I was very shy until I turned 17, I never really felt lonely. But I think my son does. He sees his younger brother always going out and having fun, and I can tell he wishes he had that too.

Is he a member of a cycling club?

It’s really hard. My son is going into year 13 next month. He had a lovely group of friends till recently. He struggled until he moved form in year 10 and then had a good group of friends. It seems to have tailed off lately and I think some of it is due to some of them (including him) being in relationships. My sons has since ended but I worry he has got out of the habit of seeing his friends. He also loves the gym and has recently started climbing. He also works part time so doesn’t actually have that much free time. It bothers me though.

My DD was a bit like this during secondary school but it all changed when she went to college and met new groups. I’m glad she chose college instead of 6th Form for this reason!

She’s got a massive circle of friends now at 21z

My son is starting sixth form next week, and your experience sounds so much like ours. I was just wondering, how is your son getting on now?