Son is going off the rails

[MadeleineMummy]

I am a single parent (widowed when my children were young) and have raised my children myself. I am a professional and work long hours and had a childminder and a au pair when the children were young. Now they are in their teens and my oldest has graduated from University it is just us.

Both my daughters are aspirational and want to have professional careers, my son of late said he isn’t going to concentrate on his GCSEs this year as people don’t need qualifications in the real world and he will make money hustling and doing stuff. He has started to wear urban street wear and wanders around the house when he is in with his hands down his baggy tracksuit bottoms. His grammar has deteriorated and he talks with an urban accent using slang and swear words. It feels like an alien has landed in our house. He is rude to his sisters and calls the bitches and refuses to say please or thank you to them. He often uses derogatory urban slang to them. He has massively changed I don’t know what to do. He steals from the house, he leaves it in a mess, he vapes and treats all the women in the house disrespectfully. None of my friend’s children behave like him and they are all studious and respectful. He takes no interest in the world. My daughters are vegetarian and environmentalists. They take an interest in politics and campaign for issues they believe in. My son has no interest in the world or anything outside his narrow frame of reference and gets takeaway chicken and leaves the bones on the floor of the kitchen.

we have had family meetings to discuss our values of respect, honesty and personal responsibility and he says why should he respect our values as we do not respect his as no one likes drill music. We have tried to argue that this is not a value but a musical taste and people can have different tastes. But he does not seem to listen to reason. He gets angry all the time and his default state is anger to me or his sisters. I cannot get through to him. He does not seem to want to listen to me. I have tried to get an appointment with Cahms but the waiting list is over a year. He goes to school OK and school seem not to be overly worried about him even though he does not do any homework and wants to drop out after GCSEs this year. I don’t want him to screw up his life but don’t know what I can do to help him.

OP my heart goes out to you. It must be so difficult navigating this especially as your first two seem to have been less challenging and complex.

I know it's not the point of the thread but I was struck by how you speak about his music. Drill isn't my cup of tea either but music is SO important to teenagers. It is potent to them and also gives you a window into their life and inner yearnings. Can you get curious about the music rather than judging and dismissing it? I had to do this during my son's rap phase and while it was difficult it was also fascinating. And eventually he outgrew it completely. Same with video games - what do they get out of the killing and frenzy of it all? Sometimes the answers are not as straightforward as you think and you can unexpectedly connect this way.

Boys need connection in a more indirect way than girls in my experience.

I take the point that something more serious may be going on, but this is my two cents.

Have a look at the Breck foundation

https://www.breckfoundation.org/

IMHO your son is being groomed, either in person or via the internet. I second who ever mentioned the school.

You said that he is nothing like his father. Well he isn't is he? He is an individual, one who has not had a male role model in the home.

He needs to find his way in the world and seems to have latched on to the ideas he has encountered about men.

Are you 100% sure this isn't drug related?

Needing money, punching walls, drill music, vile mood and generally aggressive and behaviour.

I really hope not for everyone's sake.

You need to get hold of his phone and have a good look at messages (usually snapchat - Google how you can do it discreetly without him knowing).

Also look at his photos, they will give you a good insight to his life.

Thanks. He is so protective of his phone and gets really angry when I go near it. I will get advice on whether I can remotely access it.

You have had to walk a very hard road and the hard part about this stretch is that you'll likely need some help that sometimes isn't that easy to come by. Many boys look to a man or men to show them what being a man is. When force of circumstance means that's not a father they look elsewhere and if they look in the wrong direction they'll go in the wrong direction. It's glib to say he just needs a good male role model because if they were easy to come by many of society's ills would be cured. That's not to say they don't exist. Some good advice already about the risk that he's been exposed to harmful elements. It's very hard when boys are sullen and hostile but working out how to talk so he will listen and listen so he will talk will foster better communication. Talk about his dad. Make time for him. Good luck.

He’s fallen in with a bad crowd and (I’m sorry for your loss) is in need of a positive male role model instead of misogynistic idiots that are into drill music (raps about gangs and stabbing and women being bitches - great 🙄 . Like a youth worker who knows what it’s all about kind of thing. Not a priest. That is not going to cut through. He needs to not be around the crowd he’s in with.

Has this happened overnight or have there always been issues with aggression, emotional control, not brushing teeth etc?

I think at 14/15 I'd want to see that phone. You are paying for it. But I appreciate how difficult it is when you're scared of him. I can read that you're scared of him - understandably, so I imagine just demanding access to his phone won't work because he'll flat refuse.

I understand that he's a child and may be vulnerable but when you're trying to engage him and ask for the most basic respect and decency and he isn't doing it, what more can you do? You can offer love and support whilst showing him consequences. E g stop paying for the phone, don't provide any money at all for him until he's open about what's going on and talks to you ( with a basic level of respect).

Btw YouTube is awash with incel idiots right now. Tate and all sorts of unpleasant mysogynist fools. I can see how a more vulnerable boy could be sucked in.

@MadeleineMummy
Snapchat is usually the platform they use these days because it can be set up for messages to disappear, but equally teens save a lot of chats and photos. I'm sure you'll see enough to give you a good idea of what he's up to.

You wouldn't be able to access snapchat remotely, unless you had his login details.

My point was IF you get hold of his phone and open his snapchat messages, he will know, as the message symbol changes.

Importantly, there is quite an easy way you can view the messages without him knowing you've done it.

You press down on the messagengers icon on the left, keep it pressed down and swipe to the right, and then back to the left when you've finished. Just don't stop pressing down throughout it.

I would google it (far easier).

Good luck.

Beautiful post, I’m a child counsellor and I agree with every single word.

You must act now OP, before you alienate him for good. And forget all the shite advice about stopping doing his laundry/cooking, it will only reinforce in his mind that you don’t love him as much as his ‘Perfect Peter’ sisters

It sounds like he's lost and probably grieving his father.
Grief can hit us at any time. How young was he when he lost his father and does he have any memories of him ?
Had your DH lived he would have had a male role model to follow and you would have had another parent backing you up. Do you ever talk to him about his father ? He might have questions but not know how to ask.

His career path is not looking like it will be academic. You need to accept this. Has he expressed interest in any field of work ?
Maybe getting him some work experience, especially if this could be in a positive male environment, would be good.

Getting outdoors and doing any sport might help.

Open a conversation:

What do you think about things? Even ask about his moral code. Do you think it's ok to punch people to get what you want. in as curious a way as possible. The important thing is to engage with his answer. Not judge it. Underneath the punching, he may feel powerless, or helpless, or she may have really annoyed him. Or whatever. Create a space for him to think it through. With you. Without judgement.

Ask questions. Listen to the answer. See the world from his point of view.

Set reasonable boundaries. Give him reasonable freedoms. Ask him what he thinks is reasonable. Engage with the answer!

Please, please, please tell me if there were things you did to turn this around. My son is having exactly these same struggles and I am at my whits end. In my worst moments I also believe he is being cohered by some county line / drug group. Yours is the first positive post I have read. Please let me know what happened and how he turned this around

This is one of the many reasons I never had children.

It would break my heart to be in this absolutely appalling situation and I know you are far from alone.

It must be the most heart-breaking thing to see your once lovely child take the wrong path. It's so hard being a single parent and trying to cope with this. I hope things are a little better now, OP.

This boy is stealing from his family. His behaviour is far worse than the usual teenage strops!

Hi I work in related area and also think there are signs of county lines exploitation here.

Act very urgently. Speak to police ..ask around and look up online to find if any youth groups locally have county lines expert

Focus on.nothing else..forget manners and other issues. If your son is being exploited or groomed that is the issue