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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

12 year never wants to leave his room!

37 replies

K4515 · 03/10/2024 21:27

Hi my 12 year son never wants to leave his room🙄 he gets back from school at 4pm, straight upstairs, gets changed ect and if he needs a snack he will come down for a bite then go back to his room. Mon - Friday at 5-5:30pm he has online arabic classes which he does in his room. After that will come down for tea, and then straight back to his room again. He will do homework, he tries to complete all his homework through the week so he doesn’t have to do any over the weekend. If he’s not doing homework he will be watching Netflix on his phone. He’s not allowed to go on the Nintendo over the week days to play with friends that’s only allowed over the weekends. It makes me sad because I feel like I barely see him, I do check on him in his room. And I keep telling him he needs to spend some time downstairs with the family too. But nothing is changing. I know he’s growing up and wants his own space and I completely understand that, but I feel like he’s drifting away. By the time it’s 7-8pm I’m getting his younger siblings ready for bed, my youngest who is a year old I need to stay with her and get her to sleep and she can take awhile to fall asleep, so by the time I’m done with her it’s time for my 12 year old to get into bed too so it feels like I’ve not seen him all day. Is anyone else going through this? And what should I do? Should I just leave him to it?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 03/10/2024 21:30

No wonder he wants time to himself after all that studying!

Singleandproud · 03/10/2024 21:34

Make it worth his while, don't just tell him he needs to do X, Y and Z and add another demands on him. What motivation as he got to leave his room because 'just' family time isn't going to cut it.

Get some boards games out and set them up ready to play, learn card games and gamble with haribo or other sweets etc.

If he has younger siblings then get them to bed and watch a more grown up show together like Wednesday, Schitts Creek, Traitors etc

parietal · 03/10/2024 21:38

Do you eat family meals together? That is the primary time I see my teens because they want food. The rest of the time they are hiding.

Original poster
K4515 · 03/10/2024 21:42

Yes we eat together and as soon as he’s done he goes back to his room🥺

OP posts:
Onlyonekenobe · 03/10/2024 21:43

When I read the thread title in Active Threads, in my head I said “bet it’ll be because he has a phone”. Lo and behold, he does. In his room. Aged 12.

Take it off him when he gets home. All gadgets put away until home work done, dinner done. Half an hour on gadgets right after dinner then put away again. Any TV should be communal and downstairs. Time spent hanging around downstairs doing nothing is infinitely preferable to time spent alone in his room on “Netflix”. You’re depriving him of such crucial family time by allowing him phone time.

TENSsion · 03/10/2024 21:44

Turn the WiFi off for a few hours every day.

Original poster
K4515 · 03/10/2024 21:45

Thank you. I made his bedtime a little later so after putting the younger ones to bed me and him can sit downstairs and watch or play something but when I ask him to come down after putting my younger ones to bed he’l be like I’m too tired he doesn’t want to play anything or watch anything with me.

OP posts:
FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 03/10/2024 21:46

Are you monitoring what he is doing on his phone all the hours he spends on it alone in his room?

Original poster
K4515 · 03/10/2024 21:48

I do feel like he spends way too much time on his homework, I have even told him we can sit down together and schedule a time for homework as it feels like he’s spending hours on it. I’m hoping to sit with him tomorrow night to do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
K4515 · 03/10/2024 21:56

I have already put screen time on his phone, on school days he only gets 1 hour on it, the only app I have left available to him is Netflix. I was in two minds about that though, only because of the bickering I have downstairs over tv between the kids, and some of the things he watches the younger ones aren’t allowed to watch. What if I told him if he wants to watch Netflix on his phone he should do it downstairs?

OP posts:
Original poster
K4515 · 03/10/2024 22:00

Hi yes I have full access to his phone. He also has screen time on it, on school days he only gets 1 hour and the only app available to him after that is Netflix. And the Netflix he uses is my account I can see what he’s watching.

OP posts:
ZippyDenimBear · 03/10/2024 22:11

What about the questions re his phone?

Original poster
K4515 · 03/10/2024 22:16

Zippydenimbear. What do you mean?

OP posts:
stargirl1701 · 03/10/2024 22:20

My 12 year old is not allowed any 'screen' device in her bedroom. It's not safe.

We have a 'traditional' PC in the family room so all Internet activity is visible. No screens after dinner due to the 'blue light' impact on sleep hygiene.

She spends most of her time downstairs.

Anisty · 03/10/2024 22:29

Sounds normal to me. If he has friends, as you say he does. Once they hit puberty, friends become more important than parents as they find their own identity.

Google 'kevin the teenager' (comedy sketch, quite old now) It hits the nail on the head with teen boys!

Original poster
K4515 · 03/10/2024 22:38

Anisty. Thank you. I feel a little relief that you said this is normal. He’s my eldest and I worry a lot about the teenage years. My worry is slightly different. I trust him enough not to do anything unsafe (but there’s always that 1% saying you never know) I feel more worried about him isolating himself in his room. My son is on the Autism spectrum, he only has a small group of friends that he plays with over the weekend. I know he needs to be in his room to unwind and especially when it can get a little too much downstairs with his younger siblings. I just worry he spends too much time alone.

OP posts:
yodog · 03/10/2024 22:55

Sounds normal for a 12 year old. also like you say if he's on the spectrum he probably needs time to himself to recover from the day. Im introverted and I always need quite a few hours to myself after a work day. Try spending time with him in his room after youngest is asleep. Watch what he's watching on Netflix ect

Original poster
K4515 · 03/10/2024 23:05

yodog, Thank you, yes that’s a good idea I’ll definitely try that.

OP posts:
BarbedButterfly · 03/10/2024 23:10

Honestly this is normal. I was a teen a long time ago and was always in my room, just with a book till I got my PC late 90s. Screen time is a different issue, but even if you remove it he may just be happy in his own quiet environment without younger siblings

5475878237NC · 03/10/2024 23:12

So many threads from parents who can't engage their teens. Well hardly surprising when they have devices and screens connected to the internet and consequently absolutely no motivation to spend any time together in real life.

ZippyDenimBear · 04/10/2024 00:03

Do you really not see how having a smart phone in his room can lead to trouble?

I think you do, and are in denial because it's hit a point you feel you can't go back and put boundaries in place.

Which you should if you want things to change.

Menopausemayhem · 04/10/2024 00:10

Well if he has asd he might be stimming or regulating after being with people all day. Also younger children might be hard for him to be around. His room is his safe space where he can decompress. My asd dc does this.

stayathomer · 04/10/2024 00:17

whats worked best here (when it works!!) bribes (generally food or freedom to stay up etc) to play eg chess/ board games/donkey(you think they’re too old but they aren’t!!) go out for walks etc. we drag them to the shops or we ask him to chat to the dog/ play with him or I just say do you want to sit down here with a book and I’ll get you a hot chocolate. Sometimes I just sit with them watching YouTube or playing Minecraft etc. or I just pop the head in a few times. A lot of the time it doesn’t work but every day is one day at a time and it’s just to get them with the family or just away from the room.

My parents put up a basketball hoop on our house wall outside to get us out! I’d love one here!!! It’s so hard op

Original poster
K4515 · 04/10/2024 08:30

Zippydenimbear. My concern isn’t his phone, like I said he has limited screen time with only Netflix available to him after his screen time is over. I can see from my phone what he is watching, like at the moment his watching Harry Potter. He’s not on Netflix through out the time he’s in his room. Majority of the time he’s doing school work. My sons high functioning and school work is very important to him, I feel like he over does it. He has 4 contacts on his phone (and rest are just close family members) these are his old school friends that he doesn’t see anymore as they go to different schools (those are the only friends he talks to and messages) I have access to his phone and messages. It’s his second year in high school he still hasn’t shared his numbers with the few friends his made there as he’s not ready for that yet. If this was any of my other children growing up and had a phone then I probably would have been concerned about the phone usage, but my 12year old is a little different from a typical boy but trust me he still has boundaries and I am not in any denial. He doesn’t even have access to web search or YouTube after his screen time is up. My main concern is he’s spending too much alone time and barely downstairs with us. He’s had a hard time settling in to the new school, making friends ect

OP posts:
ZippyDenimBear · 05/10/2024 09:17

Fair enough then op.

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