12 year never wants to leave his room!

[K4515]

Hi my 12 year son never wants to leave his room🙄 he gets back from school at 4pm, straight upstairs, gets changed ect and if he needs a snack he will come down for a bite then go back to his room. Mon - Friday at 5-5:30pm he has online arabic classes which he does in his room. After that will come down for tea, and then straight back to his room again. He will do homework, he tries to complete all his homework through the week so he doesn’t have to do any over the weekend. If he’s not doing homework he will be watching Netflix on his phone. He’s not allowed to go on the Nintendo over the week days to play with friends that’s only allowed over the weekends. It makes me sad because I feel like I barely see him, I do check on him in his room. And I keep telling him he needs to spend some time downstairs with the family too. But nothing is changing. I know he’s growing up and wants his own space and I completely understand that, but I feel like he’s drifting away. By the time it’s 7-8pm I’m getting his younger siblings ready for bed, my youngest who is a year old I need to stay with her and get her to sleep and she can take awhile to fall asleep, so by the time I’m done with her it’s time for my 12 year old to get into bed too so it feels like I’ve not seen him all day. Is anyone else going through this? And what should I do? Should I just leave him to it?

i think OP you have a 12 year old who is autistic and who has younger siblings correct?

then forcing him into family time is a recipe for disaster in the week- if he is spending time at school and meal times with people needing time to decompress on your own is a perfectly valid option - some do need time and space and some more than others. As long as your are monitoring it it sounds fine you cannot take away his safe time and space because YOU want to see him

structire some family time at the weekend when he hasn’t spent the day at school but respect his need to be alone and decompress

My concern here is the lack of social or physical activity during the week

School is very sedentary and then he is coming home and sitting down all evening ?

I have a 12 year old and this does not seem at all healthy op but I think rather than focus on him joining the family I would want him in some clubs or seeing friends a more regularly

I know all kids are different but my 12 yr old has football training 3 x a week and once or twice a week would go to the park after school or a friend's house
If he isnt sporty would your son try drama club or something?

Oh just seen he is neuridiverse ? I think in that case irs vwry different and he may need to decompress from his day at school

How much time to you make for you to spend time just with him.
maybe he feels invisible with you caring for younger kids all the time and would prefer to do his own thing than hang out with babies.

make time for him one to one .
have your husband look after the other kids sometimes.

He's almost a teen. Teenagers brains are wired to prioritize friends and not us anymore ☹️
Besides that it sounds like he is quite busy. After being at school all day he might need some time to wind down from the sounds of it. Then he's back at school work again with his Arabic class. Tea and then back to more schoolwork. That just sounds exhausting.

Waterrat. Yes that is also one of my concerns🥺 I’ve really tried to encourage some sort of sports. He use to go swimming and karate. Few years ago we let go, I tried to keep him going. But being home after school was so important for him. I just had to let it be. I mentioned he comes home from school at 4pm, they finish school at 2:45 after that he goes to clubs 4 times a week out of his own choice. But he doesn’t do sports, he does coding club and geography club, they get to change every couple of terms. But he never chooses to do a sport. He’s very bright academically and he chooses activities down that line too. I can’t force him to do anything he doesn’t want he’s very head strong. But I have spoken to his form teacher regarding sports, they’ve been supportive and been encouraging him to play football and basketball at lunch times as majority of the lunchtime he spent in the library reading. And then they have p.e which he does really well in too. But outside school I’m really struggling. One of his new friend goes to a youth club on Sundays where they play sports and have other activities, I have been encouraging him with that too but not getting anywhere with it. We do go for walks some evenings and then weekends we do things as a family. But if it was upto him he would just want to stay home all weekend!

MumonabikeE5 the guilt of not always being able to give him the time he deserves kills me evryday. I’m on my own even when dad was around never made much difference I was still on my own with the kids. But I’m trying to make small but some changes. I gave him some one to one time lastnight. It was nice we talked had a laugh watched abit of tele. Hoping to keep this up.

@K4515 why force sports, he doesn't want that he has made that perfectly clear. He likes geography and computer science so follow those interests. Take them to the library where he can borrow a Raspberry Pi for programming.

Look to see if your area has a science festival or a Techathon.

Go on walks either guided by yourselves or with a group where they point out geographical features. Do some orienteering.

Look into cadets, Air Cadets will be filled with similar children they will have some fantastic experiences even if not interested in joining the RAF in future.

Become a member of Rock Watch the youth arm of the geological society and get outside for their events or go to their residential week in Dorset in August, it is very cheap and good value for money.

Parent the child you have, not the one in your head.

DD is autistic, she comes home and chills out jn the living room while I finish WFH we have dinner and then I don't see her again. I might go up for a chat before bed just to check in but largely she needs quiet and to be alone. That time to decompress is essential. She does play Rugby but even that comes second to recharging after a hard day. She is then in a better state to give her time at the weekend

No technology in bedrooms 🤷

With a phone up in his room he is probably watching a lot of porn and on social media etc. That will be a total time sink for him. Moderating his phone use would be good.

Sorry, just read he is neurodivergent. Likely he is trying to regulate and decompress.

I think if he does all those other activities and doesn't enjoy sport - then don't worry about it.

Especially if he is ND and needs to decompress after a busy day. So many children who are ND can't even make it through a school day so he is doing well.

I'm not sure if you said but I would very definitely remove or seriously limit phone time. That way if he wants to read/ chill - up to him. If he is bright and self motivated he can read for pleasure or watch tv - but the phone is addictive and containts a lot of horrible stuff!