Worried about DS – found messages with a much older woman online, advice needed!

[MammyBear5]

I’m feeling really shaken and don’t know how to handle this, so I thought I’d come here for some advice. My DS (16) is autistic, and while he’s very bright, he can be quite socially vulnerable and naïve. I was checking his phone recently (with his knowledge – we have an agreement in place), and I stumbled across messages between him and a much older woman. She’s 45, married, and lives in a completely different part of the country.
At first, I thought it was just friendly chat, but as I read more, I became really concerned. She’s been telling him how much she cares about him and that he “understands her” in ways others don’t. She’s even taken up wrestling – his favourite hobby – and she’s told him she loves him. DS seems quite invested in the relationship and has been messaging her a lot. From what I’ve seen, it doesn’t appear to be anything inappropriate in the sexual sense, but the emotional connection feels off, especially considering the age difference.
I’m really worried about the impact this is having on him, and I’m not sure how to handle it. I don’t want to overreact, but I also don’t want to leave him vulnerable to being emotionally manipulated. I’ve asked him about it gently, and he insists she’s just a friend, but I’m not convinced this is healthy for him.
Has anyone else dealt with something like this? What would you do in my situation? Should I confront this woman or take a different approach? I’m trying to stay calm but am really worried about where this could lead.
TIA for any advice!

Gosh, quite a preponderance of inappropriate but somehow non-sexual online relationships between teenage sons and middle aged people just now. Only yesterday there was a pretty much identical story but with a 41 year old man rather than a wrestling woman. Maybe there will be helpful advice on that thread, OP. I recall the OP in that thread being similarly bemused about what to do.

This woman isn't a wrestler. My son likes wrestling. And this woman has seemlingly adopted that hobby, i think to get closer to him.

@FiveDuckGyoza i also saw that similar thread

I think this is more common than people realise. Your son needs more supervision online - he's only 16 and autistic. He will be vulnerable to online grooming especially by older adults.

I do supervise, He allows me to, Which is nice. He used to get violent when I'd check his phone. He doesn't as much now.

Consider that the person might not actually be a woman. I hope you find answers soon!

Yes, that answer seems completely obvious to me, hence my initial response, in which my cynicism might not have come over in type.

He needs more supervision if he is a vulnerable person.

I would be tempted to message her myself. But that might not be helpful.

Also a bit bizarre that there’s so many of these threads recently.

This was my first thought

I have looked her up. She is. A very professional woman too. Which is scary. You don't expect women who work in business to be like that.

He doesn’t get violent ‘as much’? And that’s fine with you, is it?

Honestly, I can’t understand why you just haven’t put a stop to this relationship if you were aware of it before today. Do you genuinely believe this person is who they purport to be? And that they have genuine intentions towards your son? What would they be, then? How many married middle aged women do you know who count vulnerable teenagers among their friends?

Could still be someone catfishing/just using her name and online details. You’ve no proof it isn’t a man etc. The fact she is online makes it more likely it isn’t who they say.

I am NOT okay with it, No its not fine with me, but what do I do? Kick him out? He's my son. I'm trying to get him to see girls his own age. But he says he cares about this woman and "She understands him"

He's a child and it's your responsibility to safeguard him.

I would contact the woman - she may not even know, it's a common scam to catfish someone using a respectable person. Makes the vulnerable person feel more secure.

Please follow it up.

And I am trying. I've taken away his phone, Which admittedly makes him angry. Calls me S* and Wh**.

I would certainly message this person, telling them that the interaction is completely inappropriate, and if they persist will inform the police of this, which if they are who they say they could be very embarrassing professionally, and if they are not, could potentially be a crime.
See what their reaction is

I think I will. I have her Facebook, or "Her" as you say ,could be a bloke.

Sounds like grooming to me, I would keep the openess you have between you and your son and monitor.

I will. She hasn't asked him to meet up or anything sexual, She says "you're a credit to your mum" to him. Its all very odd.

Vital that you keep that open relationship with your son where you can share and be respectful of his feelings and he, in turn, can open up to you about this "relationship " as I absolutely believe he is being groomed. However, i would never mention that word for fear of him closing down and moving away from you and towards "her". Your keeping calm is very important to safeguard your child right now.

Great advice. Thank you!

I would put money on it that this woman has been catfished and that’s not who your son is talking to it’s a scammer playing the long game, grooming your son and will try to either get money / images from him. Block the number and try as best as you can to educate him around safety online.

I'll defo call her.

This.