We are really struggling with our 14 yr old DS

[DavidLynch]

Nearly 14 DS is hugely wilful. Could argue with a paper bag. He absolutely loves the screen and despite us putting limitations into place, every day it feels like we are arguing over it.

He’s allowed 2 hours gaming after school. As soon as he’s done, after food/honework (school hardly sets any) he just wants to go from phone to iPad to phone. We try to offer up alternatives - chores/things he likes doing with us if desperate (cooking, football) but he seems unable to go for long without checking his million notifications. We ask him to put his phone down for the night about 8 and watches an episode of something with us on TV.

on paper this seems like he’s reasonable but he’s not. Sometimes I have to follow him around trying to get him off a device. He goes ballistic ag the end of having time limits on stuff - he feels a tremendous sense of injustice over many things - but I feel like I’m managing an addicted toddler.

i can be quite shouty and I admit he pushes my buttons. But even my placid husband is being seriously tested.

homelife is currently miserable.

is this a normal situation? And what can we do to improve it?

We sat down and agreed time allowance then take devices of them with agreed 20/30 min warning. Totally understand your pain as took us a long time to get there. I have been known to go out with WiFi router.

When I was 14 I wouldn’t have wanted to hang about with my parents either.

the devices are where his social connections are.

Have a look at him joining some sort of club aligned with his interests or a gym membership.

I’m aware of the social currency of his phone etc. he does a sport several times a week but his interest in other stuff has totally dwindled - which I’m sure is screen related - and he doesn’t want to do anything. Believe me, I’ve tried. Even with an hour after school sport, there are a lot of hours in the day

We took the PC and the games console and put it in the attic, then withdrew DS from school, where he was also being driven on a constant diet of gaming "learning" apps. He has calmed down a lot and become human again. It's not easy, but worth it if you can manage it.

You home schooled?

It’s not just social currency- it’s the erasure of 3rd spaces for young people.

Think about what was available to you as a teen- cheap cafes, youth clubs etc. These things hardly exist now.

The internet is the new 3rd space. I’m not saying it’s healthy but if you want to get past it there has to be another attractive option. Is there any social side to his football club?

my dd does drama 3 times a week and there’s a social calendar attached with various parties etc.

between that and homework- she hasn’t a huge amount of time for anything else. But she’s having a great time. I wonder if there’s anything similar for your ds

Totally agree that spaces for teens have dwindled and nosedived massively during/ after covid

I definitely think you're creating a fight for no good reason. If his homework is done and he's had dinner etc why can't he go on his phone or whatever he wants? Take it away an hour before sleep time to help his sleep but otherwise I feel like you're maybe setting arbitrary limits because you think you should?

We just let him manage his own screen time. If his grades dropped he would give us his consoles, tablet etc on his own accord. At 14 bedtime was before 11 pm on a school night. Once he reached 16 he governed his own bedtime but, if he woke us up he got a telling off.

He’s fine now at Uni and coping well managing his workload and leisure time.

I nagged him about his laundry, the state of his bathroom and what seemed to me a very disorganised manner when it came to revision. However, he got A’s in his A levels and is doing medicine at Uni now so what do I know as he did much better than I ever did at school!

My advice is to pick your battles and at 14 teenagers are developing a sense of what their goals are in life and it is up to them to put the effort in. This is what we reminded our DS all the time his choices in his life will impact his future prospects, not ours. Basically, we tried to give him some autonomy.

Because that would mean about 5-6 hours of screen a day - and if you don’t think that’s a problem for a young teen, then respectfully - we are not on the same page

Agree about 3rd spaces

Thanks, helpful

DD is a bit younger, but on a really practical level, we have parental controls, including remote shut down of her devices (laptop and phone). She knows how much time she gets on each, and that it'll lock when that time is up. If she is refusing to do something we've asked, we can terminate her session immediately, which at least means we don't have to wrestle devices off her.

DS same age has a locked down phone text/music/podcasts/audiobooks/library/whatsapp & only has screen time at the weekends. It works for us & he says he couldn't control his screen/gaming use himself & would miss out on the reading/boardgames/other things he enjoys. L (I fully understand that this has the potential to be a ticking time bomb but I'm hoping more maturity will make it easier for him to control/manage.)

Although it’s not great that they have so much screen time that is the way of life now. Currently I’m sitting with my phone, DH is on a laptop currently then we’ll watch TV! So should we expect our teenagers to do more ‘virtuous’ activities when we don’t model that ourselves.

Is you DS your eldest? At 13 it’s entirely normal not to want to sit with your parents every night. When I was a teenager I’d be hogging the landline talking to friends, certainly not socialising with my family nightly.

It might work to give him more independence most nights and then have a family film night or games night bi-weekly?

If he was in his room gaming all the time I would say intervene but given he’s out doing regular sport and school it sounds like he has a decent balance. It’s hard to let them become independent but that will be part of the reason he’s getting angry with you if you are treating him like a younger child & still taking decisions for him every night.

I agree with some of the other comments that you’re being far too restrictive. My Ds is 13 and we don’t restrict screen time beyond making sure he’s done homework / had a shower / had dinner and is ready to relax for half an hour with us at 9.30pm before bed around 10ish with iPad / iPhone left downstairs to charge. That does mean he has a lot of screen time - that’s how they all socialise now. It’s mostly him chatting away to his group of friends from school on Xbox (he has a gaming room right next to our living room so I can hear what he’s doing).

If your son was in the same group of friends as my Ds he would miss out on a lot socially. I know that isn’t what you want to hear but it’s the truth.

I think as long as they do have time away from screens at school and at the weekend doing things (we went to the beach on Saturday and Sunday we had a long country walk, we do spend a lot of time outside) then that’s fine.

I think there’s a definite generation gap between those who had a mobile phone at high school and those who had aged out by that point.

We all sat on MSN messenger blocking the phone lines and driving our parents crazy. And it might seem like a waste of time to those who don’t participate- but I have very fond memories of sitting giggling at a computer and sharing music etc

Same here. MSN was brilliant 😆 I’d spend hours blocking the home phone after school!

I agree with this.

I think it does depend on what they are doing on their phone.
For me, simply chatting or FaceTiming friends is absolutely fine, however long it's for. It's a world away from zombie scrolling on tiktok.

Our DS is 13. He has pretty unrestricted screen time as do all of his friends. We live quite rurally so gaming with his friends and chatting at the same time is how they socialise, especially when the weather is bad or it's dark early. Over the summer they were all out and about quite a bit.

He's out two nights a week at army cadets so there's no time for screens on those nights. He does help with dinner maybe once a week. Weekends he mostly sleeps and games, he'll come out with us if we tell him he has to (i usually bribe him with food) but he's also enjoying having a bit of independence and time at home on his own and I don't blame him really. School holidays it's a mixture of day trips or doing stuff as a family, going out with friends and chill out days at home.

His phone has to be in our room by 9pm on a school night (unless it's a cadet night and then it goes in our room as soon as he's home about 10pm) and after initially having a massive strop about it, he now does it without being asked. I did explain to him what our reasoning for this was and he did listen and accept it fairly quickly.

I think if his homework is done properly, his room is reasonably tidy and he's generally a good lad, give him a bit more leeway. Talk to him about it, let him have his say and actually listen to him. What time does he thinks it's reasonable to come off screens on a school night and why? How about a trial period where he's allowed screens until 9pm two nights and 8pm or 8.30pm the other nights? If he can show he's mature enough to handle it, and his behaviour improves, then you'll extend screen time allowances?

My daughters are 17 and 20 - I was pretty laid back about screen time to be honest - so long as they got up for school, did any chores that was expected of them and was doing well at school/getting homework done then it was up to them. It is nice to watch a film together I agree but that wasn’t forced on them either. As a family we do our own thing a lot of the time but we did/do talk a lot after school and tea time and we enjoy our holidays and days out together. I do have friends with kids a similar age and are much more intense/on their children’s case but their relationship is much more strained and I know their child lies/keeps things from them. As parents we all want what’s best for our children but I would urge you to consider relaxing your approach a little as it may benefit your relationship, life as a teen these days is hard enough in my opinion. So long as his homework is done, you’ve caught up over tea and he’s washed/dried up for example then leave him be for the rest of the evening, give it a try. I hope it all
becomes calmer at home for you - best of luck

Chores or spending time with your parents are unlikely to be considered a reasonable substitute for screen time by a teen.

We largely solved this problem by keeping them so busy that they didn't have the time to be on screens much.

You need to come up with appealing activities that are not screen based. Does he have any hobbies? Football/cadets/martial arts/scouts?

I hear what everyone is saying about independence and freedom - I feel he gets a lot of this, and what he wants. I am
extremely proactive about clubs and doing stuff - I would love to keep him busy - but it’s no longer that easy. He resists and resists. He doesn’t want to do any more after school clubs. I put stuff in every other weekend - trips to London, friends, etc - and I insist he comes on dog walks etc.

but his interest in stuff has dwindled. And if he does think ok, I will go and create a song, for example, he honestly lasts 5 mins before he’s done with it.

so there are a lot of hours to fill. He essentially wants to fill them with screen.

this morning, before he came down, I glanced at his phone (locked, just the screen, although we do have an agreement over checking if we want) and he had 99 notifications….

Sounds like normal teenage behaviour to me. At that age you can't force more clubs and activities. I'd keep up with the family days out and dog walks but if he's done his homework and chores, been out in the fresh air (that includes walking to school and dog walks), I don't see why he can't be on his phone.
At 14 your friends are your life and that's they interact. The remaining teenage years are going to be miserable if you're always fighting him over this.