Teen Stealing - any advice?

[Tiredtrog]

Does anybody have any experience with teenagers stealing things from around the home (sweets, treats, money, make up, radio) and have a good strategy to deal with it?

Our DD will apologise whilst rolling her eyes, flat denying it or worse saying she took it a few days ago like it doesn’t count. We’ve tried asking her to stop, she doesn’t. She flat out denied taking money from me to buy make up, got distructive (threw my fave mugs out of the window) when I confiscated the make up and told me her friend gave her money. Only when I said I’d need to pay it back after a month had passed did she admit she took it.

We have tried lockboxes but she’s found a way to break into them. She’ll also creep around when we are asleep (one recent incident, she stole and reset my phone) if we try and give her any boundaries. We are at our wits end, she shows no regret or sign of stopping. If we give her a consequence she hits out at us. We feel like hostages in our home :(

I'd be kicking her out of the fucking house AND reporting her sorry ass to the Police.

Grow a back bone and be an adult about it.

How old?

This is not an adult approach.

You can't kick your child out at the first sign of trouble, an adult has a responsibility to help them.

This reminds me indirectly of a recent thread.

One thing you can do is make sure she's aware that, while she can treat you all like her own personal piggybank, this behaviour has consequences in the big bad world.

Let her know about the short and long term implications of cautions or convictions for theft or criminal damage on:

• Education
• Employment
• travel to countries such as the USA (this one life long)

Hopefully she'll grow out of it.

@Tiredtrog
To understand, people will need more context. How old, how long has it gone on for, any other issues, any family/school problems etc., etc., etc.

Stealing is a big problem, but also doesn't mean she'll be a criminal for life! The stealing itself sounds like part of a bigger problem around boundaries?

We had stealing with one of our children during an emotionally turbulent time. It was almost as if they totally lost their moral compass. We secured all our most valuable possessions- it absolutely is possible to do so. We made sure we reiterated that we knew they knew it was wrong to steal. We weathered the storm, it passed, they are a moral and law abiding young adult now. For parents going through really choppy teenage years, stealing is not uncommon.

I have had experience, and I know friends who had very similar to what your experiencing. On my case, was 13 years old + taking money. I found it, but I was told they just wanted money of their own..... I think it was peer pressure at school as kids smoke, vape & drink. Sorry to say. My dear friend, had household items go missing, jewellery, money, laptops etc but this was to fund a hidden drug habit, which has been ongoing 30 years until went into rehab, but off all drugs now has addiction to alcohol, severe alcoholic too. You need to know what your dealing with. If your child has a bottle of water in their school bag check its not vodka, if it's coke, check for vodka, gin, whiskey, brandy, bacardi....... also check their school bag for smoking items, lighter etc. Can you put a tracker on their phone, so you can see their movements when out of the house?. You need to be one step ahead. When out at school check their wardrobe, the hiding place I found was in pockets, jackets, trousers, dressing gown, under the bed too. Have a good look, lock your doors and search, see what's going on. Your better knowing than not knowing sweetheart. It's been over 15 years for me & mine now, and all worked out well, it was peer pressure. Best wishes & good luck hunting xxxx

Thanks @HelplessSoul but she 12 so not really appropriate and regardless of the challenges we face with her, we are her parents and have legal and moral responsibility for her wellbeing and happiness.

Thanks all,

DD is 12 (nearly 13) and was really grounded at primary school. She took leaving really hard (despite 1/4 of her class moving with her) and spends all her time at secondary trying to fit in and be liked. She obsessed with what she’s wearing and having mascara on. We’ve had tons of discussions with her about whether she’s been treated unkindly at school/ bullied but it doesn’t seem to be the case. Her pastoral lead is confident that her friends are a pretty good group. We know that tiredness is a trigger of not being able to regulate her emotions and respect boundaries. She goes to bed at 9pm but insists on getting up at 6 to watch telly regardless of how tired she is, always has. Recently we’ve also caught her up at 2-3am on socials - when she’s in this haze, she strikes out at us as boundary setters in whatever way she can. Stealing sweets, money, telling us were awful, breaking sentimental objects, taking my hair dye to school (told her pastoral lead it was to get at me). She’s so determined to be in control that she will psychically grab, push, hit to get what she wants. She broke her sisters collarbone trying to get the remote.

She has friends that have so much freedom, unlimited phone time, freedom to go out wherever and whenever they want. We don’t live in a wonderfully safe area and I fear for her safety. We’ve tried to put ‘find my’ on her phone to help us relax her rules but she resets her Apple ID. We want her to be happy and have her feeedom but in a safe way. She’s super entitled despite us driving home earning vs spending. We’re (and assume she) is so lost.

This week she covered the house in sharpie by colouring her hair in pink 😩 My husband and I are just so exhausted.

See if there is a youth police team in your area, they might be able to send someone to yours or school to have a 'chat'. After that, if it continues then I would call the police. It's important for her to know that there are serious consequences to stealing/law breaking. I would stop paying her phonebill in the short term. Get her an old pay as you go Nokia, she can still text her mates.
Teen brains are complex - she is risk taking and pushing boundaries and she needs a lot of sleep so encourage all of these things (look up my teen Brain online, it's quite interesting).

Recently we’ve also caught her up at 2-3am on socials This shouldn't be possible.

We’ve tried to put ‘find my’ on her phone to help us relax her rules but she resets her Apple ID. This is also not ok.

We want her to be happy and have her feeedom but in a safe way. It seems you need clearer boundaries in general perhaps?

She’s super entitled despite us driving home earning vs spending. This isn't uncommon at only 12.

After that, if it continues then I would call the police. It's important for her to know that there are serious consequences to stealing/law breaking. Is this realistic for someone age 12 taking sweets, money, make up within the family home? I'm not sure you can call the police for in-family issues like this - realistically could the police even investigate?

@bergamotorange, yes it absolutely is. This is an area I work in and it's a preventative measure. I'm not suggesting 999 but a friendly chat with someone in uniform can sometimes be enough. If stealing sweets/money etc is passed off as 'one of those things' (which it might be but equally it might not be) then where does it lead...shoplifting? Something worse?

I'm not dismissing it as 'one of those things' it's a serious issue but a parenting issue, not a police issue.

You've made a jump to shoplifting that isn't happening here. Important not to invent additional problems.

She broke your other daughters collar bone and you didn't have her charged with assault?

Take the phone away. A 12 year old shouldn't have any socials and you are clearly not monitoring her activity.

Fair enough. That wasn't my intention. There are some fairy concerning behaviours mentioned that they obviously want to get on top of and behaviours can escalate.

You can't 'have someone charged'. You can report an incident to the police who may seek to bring charges if there is evidence and reason to do so.

Why is she allowed access to her phone overnight? Even my 15 year old isn't allowed his phone in his bedroom overnight.

To be honest there are so many issues going on here that I would consider getting professional help, perhaps family counselling? Or paying for a psychologist assessment? You need to find out the root cause. It may be something like low self esteem, which makes her desperate to fit in with her peers, or to please /impress them in some way.

OK arrested then. She broke another child's collar bone, she's over the age of responsibility, don't think evidence is lacking.

OP is concern about petty theft but not this. Feel sorry for the other child living with a violent sibling and a mum who let's her break her bones. School should have been calling SS.

First thing is take her smart phone off her and replace it with a simple brick. She will not die from not having a smart phone.

Second is consequences for violence. She broke her sister's collarbone?? Are you for real? What were the consequences?

Thanks for your comments, important not to judge here. I didn’t ‘let’ her break her sisters collarbone I was in a nearby room when oldest daughter, attempting to get a remote control from her sister, sat on her - I’m sure without intention of hurting her but nonetheless I couldn’t have stepped in quickly enough even if I were in the room. There was no leading argument to shut down.

We don’t let her have her phone at night (see former description) we lock it in a lock box but she sneaks around at night, finds the lockbox and breaks into it. I agree that she shouldn’t have socials but hard to argue when the age limit for snap, TikTok and What’s app are 12 plus it’s her social channel and I fear if we ostracised her we could make things worse where trying to fit in may well be the root cause. We had limiting software on her phone but she’s smart and changes her Apple ID to a new account to override those controls and the wifi limitations we have in place. We have given her a festival phone but she will not take it out, so we have no way of getting in contact if she doesn’t arrive home on time after school etc. we now have her phone handed in at 6pm and monitor her conversation etc with her blessing.

We are a well educated and caring family, who set boundaries and who want the best for our lost and angry daughter. We have already sought professional help via school and await those conversations. Thanks to those offering sensible advice, that’s what I came for and am glad to
receive it. To those who judge, I hope you never experience anything other than a perfect life ;)

How is she breaking into the lockbox? Can you not just get something a bit sturdier and more high tech that she can't get into? I mean, these things are meant for stuff like this, they aren't exactly child'splay to crack - do you mean she's finding the keys? In which case the answer is - hide things better, go to bed with the key in your pyjama pocket.

Thanks @Vroomfondleswaistcoat we have code based boxes but they have a rod on the back sealing the box that she’s worked out how to poke out 😩 We spent £150 on boxes thinking this would curb the issue but she soooo determined. A safe is next on the list but I would rather get to a point quickly where no boxes are required at all (wish us luck). We have taken the hiding things in the car (not visible) sometimes too but aware that if someone broke into the car we’d be at fault here. I would also rather not encourage stealing of car keys to get to her things. I’ve slept with things under my pillow. It’s really tough to have to constantly be on the front foot, and being only human we make slips and she’s all over it. She also switches up what she’ll take, so even if we emptied our house of all the things we think she might take, we’d find her taking something different.

I’m not sure you’ve done your Apple Family settings right. My teens can’t change the Apple ID on their devices without my password. Their screen time controls don’t allow it, or any changes without my say so. I get moans of how I’m the only parent who enforces screen time rules but I couldn’t care less.

The physical assault causing actual bodily harm would have been a hard line for me. I’d have been asking for professional help at that point and considering asking relatives to step in and provide respite.

Thanks @HelenaJustina - she changes her Apple ID to avoid being on Family and this dodging the restrictions. She just resets her phone and sets it up with a newly created ID.

agreed and exactly the point we forced help. We'd been trying to get help for some time, but nobody would agree to taking the case out without DDs consent. This incident sought me to seek school advice and they in turn have been able to assign a youth worker without the same stipulation. We are just waiting for the first visit.

Sadly we don’t have any relitives that could help, having lost mine at an early age, my Husband is older than me and only has his 85 year old mum 100 miles away, sadly not a luxury we have.