Teen Stealing - any advice?

[Tiredtrog]

Does anybody have any experience with teenagers stealing things from around the home (sweets, treats, money, make up, radio) and have a good strategy to deal with it?

Our DD will apologise whilst rolling her eyes, flat denying it or worse saying she took it a few days ago like it doesn’t count. We’ve tried asking her to stop, she doesn’t. She flat out denied taking money from me to buy make up, got distructive (threw my fave mugs out of the window) when I confiscated the make up and told me her friend gave her money. Only when I said I’d need to pay it back after a month had passed did she admit she took it.

We have tried lockboxes but she’s found a way to break into them. She’ll also creep around when we are asleep (one recent incident, she stole and reset my phone) if we try and give her any boundaries. We are at our wits end, she shows no regret or sign of stopping. If we give her a consequence she hits out at us. We feel like hostages in our home :(

OP I really have empathy for your situation. As said earlier, we went through something similar. To those glib posters who think the issue is boundaries YOU HAVE NO IDEA and moreover, I hope you never know how tough it is to be raising your child following all the best advice only for things to go into a total tailspin.

OP - parent from a position of care. Contrary to some of the hardliners on here, let her know that you see this as a phase that you know she will come through. That doesn’t mean no boundaries- anything but- but if u can give her a sense that you are the calmness in a very big and frightening storm, that will help. Invite good friends round who can endure with you what is going on because otherwise you will become isolated. She may behave better in front of adults a bit removed from the family. If she can do something character building like volunteering through school, try and support this. The more she practices being pleasant with others, the more it becomes a habit. 2 books: Gabor mate ‘holding onto your kids’ and ‘Get out of my life, but first take me and Alex to the park’.

see mumsnet threads on parenting teens and looking after your own MH. There are several threads starting from this initial post:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/teenagers/3542520-Is-parenting-a-teen-adversely-affecting-your-mh#87021629

Yours in solidarity.

She sounds really clever re changing phones settings and working out how to break into lockboxes. Can that be channeled positively in some way? She's got a "forensic" brain (to me, anyway). I know escape rooms exist. Is there anything teen friendly along the same lines? I'm just thinking of distracting her into challenges that really stretch her. Is she academic?

Great idea - I also thought about how clever she is.

Are there any other adults in her life with whom she has a trusted relationship @Tiredtrog? A godparent? A family friend as close as an aunt or uncle? If she can’t talk to you about the underlying issues, is there anyone else she might find that connection with in the short term?

This is potentially a very serious incident, although we know very little about what the actual events were.

Oh - having read this update I didn’t ‘let’ her break her sisters collarbone I was in a nearby room when oldest daughter, attempting to get a remote control from her sister, sat on her - I’m sure without intention of hurting her but nonetheless I couldn’t have stepped in quickly enough even if I were in the room. There was no leading argument to shut down. this doesn't sound like something the police would be involved in @FoxtrotOscarKindaDay

Withdraw all privileges. Ground her. Giver her back these privileges gradually. If she steals again, withdraw all privileges, again.

Thank you @ClydeBank what an amazing supportive, empathetic and hope filled post. Thank you! The second book
title made me laugh - exactly this!!!

She really super smart, but doesn’t sadly have the same application and determination in academia as she does when she’s code breaking for make up. School aren’t in a strong position to support, like everything else, they are understaffed and inconsistent in teachers and subject as a result of trying to cover all lessons. I’m not sure anyone really has the mark of her, but I will definitely suggest it with the pastoral lead. Her drama teacher has appointed her as drama ambassador but she won’t put herself forward for a part in the school play siting the transition from year 7 to 8 being her focus. A real shame, I don’t want them to lose their enthusiasm to push her.

@HelenaJustina in terms of support network we have limited options. Our family are few and far between (we moved 100 miles to be closer to my family when we had children, they have subsequently moved). We both work demanding jobs and have tons of work friends, or friends that are far away so don’t have a ton of visits with DD to have built a close enough relationship to be a trusted confidant. If we go out with school mums, she’s an angel and speaks to them with confidence and kindness.

I sincerely hope that keeping a firm hold on boundaries, always asking questions and being interested in what’s troubling her, reminding her that I don’t treat her with disrespect, so don’t deserve it in return and reminding her how it feels when people take things from her, or don’t respect her property will land eventually.

We've had a better weekend as she has started to realise (at least for now) that we’re actually quite handy when she needs a lift, permission to do x/y/z. She’s also working out the correlation between earning and having pocket money to buy her own things. We adjust her pocket money to ‘pay back’ things she has taken and she realises this holds her back from earning her full whack and the new whatever it is she wants to buy. We also allow phone time based on behaviour and respect.

@RainintheDesert sounds like a great plan, sadly she’s reactive to removal of privileges and responds by breaking our things in a ‘if you take mine, I’ll take yours’ motion.