When or at what age so you "stop spending time /parenting teenagers"

[upoutandin87]

I have 2 teens 18 and 16 and I keep getting told I do too much and spend too much time with them. I admit they don't really give me a break as they tell me everything about their life and they don't go out with friends much. 16 year old has a hobby which stops in the holidays but when starts up again next week will hopefully be out the house a bit more but then when he gets back I will get a running commentary of his day. Neither child games or at that interested in TV or screens so evening and weekends that like just chatting and hanging with myself and DH. DH is done with parenting now he says they need to stop needing us and I should not be spending time listening to them rabbit on and on. I went shopping with DS this afternoon as I needed some bits for college (DH tried giving my son the money and telling him to leave me alone and go to town on his own). If they go out and I am out or at work DH will not take them or pick them up from anywhere - he makes them walk or get an uber. One is autistic and one suffers from anxiety so they don't feel safe in ubers or walking and I will always give in and take or pick them up. DH says they must be so embarassed as I am still doing stuff for them and he wouldn't be seen dead with his parents from about age 13. Some friends of ours find it really weird as they only see their kids in passing a couple of times a week and would have no idea what is happening in either of their lives as they wouldn't even ask as not their business.

DH thought he would get his life back - he wants to go away for a week in October but I don't feel the kids would cope without me here. Do I need to step back and get them to leave me alone? Kids have never been ones to stay in their rooms they have always loved being with us. DH says it should be us time now and they should either be in their rooms on their phones gaming or out with friends but we should have a life without them being in the way now.

Sounds like husband is jealous !

It's good that you have a great relationship with them.

It's a bit concerning that they are so worried they won't get a taxi or walk anywhere on their own.

Are they in college? Plans to go to uni?

Your relationship sounds good, but are they capable of being independent if needed? If not maybe it's time to start teaching them,

It's very unusual to not be able to leave an 18 year old for a week.

Tbh you should start letting your teenagers fight for themselves. Why not go shopping? Why not walk or an Uber.

And yes teenagers age 16 and 18 yo should cope for a week if basic shopping has been done.

I don't think you ever should stop listening, talking or doing things with children. No matter age but teenagers can be left alene and do things on their own.

I don't think I will ever stop spending time with my dd (19) or listening to her. She is my favourite person in the world and I love her company. I won't ever stop being her mum and I won't ever feel the need to "have my life back"!

But closeness and dependence are two different things. I would worry if she wasn't branching out on her own in the later teen years - forging her own friendships and building a life of her own.

So, I don't think you should push your kids away from you or stop listening to them ever, but if you think that they wouldn't cope without you for a few days, maybe you need to think about how you can start building their independence - on both a practical and emotional level - because part of being a good and loving parent is also about teaching them to cope without you.

It's lovely that you have such a good relationship with them, but successful parenting is equiping them with the life skills to become independent adults.

Of course, keep supporting them and listening to them, but you should also be encouraging them to be independent. I would think that going shopping in town for college supplies should absolutely be something that your child should manage independently at that age.

Take a gentle step back and encouraging their growth.

Never stop listening, but do encourage them not to rely on you for lifts. They need to work on being more independent in that respect.

The answer is never. You’re always a parent, and it’s good you have a good relationship with them, whereby they’re happy to spend time with you, and chat to you.

However, at sixteen and eighteen, they should have some degree of independence. Ie. Be able to get to and from places by themselves, unless you’re in the sticks and/or public transport is missing. Have they got in the habit of having lifts?

Regarding going away, maybe don’t go away for a week, but a weekend initially. Build it up slowly, and not too far away.

You do need to start getting them more independent. The 18 year could be at uni now or next year, and build up the confidence of walking. Does he not walk anywhere by himself?

To add, I think your DH's focus is all wrong. This isn't about you and your DH getting your lives back. It's about helping your dc to spread their wings and fly.

Just to clarify I often go shopping without them and they do go with friends but sometimes if they need clothes etc they like me to go with them Not to always pay as they have their own money but because they like the company. He can't understand why they are not embarassed to be seen out with us.

What's your DH's relationship with his parents like?

Teens are all about roots & wings - you're giving roots & allowing wings. Sounds like DH wants to cut the roots & force the wings...

I think that's an amazing relationship to have with them and don't let anyone tell you any different . They are very lucky to have you and that bond , DH needs to cop on

Both kids walk places and bus and train during the day without an issue but both are worriers and don't like walking in the dark and DD friends sister had an issue with a taxi driver a few years back so her friend is not allowed to get taxis anywhere now and has made my DD scared now. DH won't pick them up from anywhere if I am out he has no qualms about them walking home at midnight (he did it so should they). If they choose to go out they need to get there and back on their own. DD is going to uni next year so that will be great for her independence. I think they sometimes stay home with us because they both worry about getting home safely.

Your DH sounds like a bit of a bully. I can't imagine not picking up my teen child late at night. I think you should encourage independence but it is lovely that you have such a great relationship with your kids. Every child is different - I was barely home from the age of 16 but my teen is very different and doesn't socialize a great deal and stays home a lot.

DH's parents had a very loving relationship but they did nothing with their kids - everything was about the 2 of them and by the time they were teenagers their kids didn't really matter and they brought themselves up and I think is what DH wants with me.

It is Saturday night tonight and both kids are home. One will watch the football and the other will like to sit with us and watch a film. Oldest will prob face time her friend later. I will cook a meal and we will eat about 730pm - DH thinks it is odd that they both want to sit together and eat with us.

Does he enjoy their company? Do they enjoy his?

I love hanging out with my teens more than anything. They’re a bit younger, 17 and 14. They’re my favourite people and I will miss time with them as they drift more into their friendships etc. But I don’t want to push that either, I’m happy to spend as much time with them as they want.

I do socialise without them a lot too. They spend a fair bit of time at their dads and I usually have plans when they’re away.

You should continue enjoying your strong and living relationship with your teens. Giving them lifts home in the dark is what you do to to keep them safe. Your husband is not a very nice person and a very selfish parent.

"DH is done with parenting now he says they need to stop needing us and I should not be spending time listening to them rabbit on and on."

Umm no. Listening to your children is not "parenting" it's having a relationship with them and that should continue into adulthood! You don't stop having a relationship with your children when they become teenagers!

"I went shopping with DS this afternoon as I needed some bits for college "

Perfectly normal and healthy thing to do with your teen.

"If they go out and I am out or at work DH will not take them or pick them up from anywhere - he makes them walk or get an uber. One is autistic and one suffers from anxiety so they don't feel safe in ubers or walking and I will always give in and take or pick them up. "

Neither approach here is fine. If they are anxious then you need to to be working with them to become more independent. Ideally this would have happened way before now but you are where you are. Your DH just chucking them in at the deep end or you just giving in and doing it for them, is not helpful at all. You need to be building their confidence so they can get themselves about without feeling anxious.

"he wants to go away for a week in October but I don't feel the kids would cope without me here."

At 18 and 16 they should be able to cope with this. If they can't, you need to find a way to work towards them being able to cope as this is not healthy. Your teens should be working towards independence from you (which is why most tend to gravitate towards a friends and spending time other than with their family). The fact yours aren't is an indication that all is not right with their development. Which is what I think your husband is recognising but not expressing in a helpful way.

It's not ok that your children of 16/18 are too anxious to get about by themselves or cannot cope without your presence for a few days.

I'd be really pissed off with my DH if he had this kind of attitude!
We're family forever and he and I will always be there for our kids at whatever age. My DD is 17 and sounds a lot like your kids. She can do things for herself but enjoys our company. She wouldn't like to be left for a week either.
Does your DH not understand the impact of autism on anxiety and (sometimes) maturity?

Two things

1. The older child is 18, but the younger isn't - don't they get to be 'parented' by your DH until 18 too?
2. If he doesn't like giving lifts, I hope he has been/is being very supportive about driving lessons and helping them to practice/learn theory etc....

Ds 17 still does lots with us and I enjoy his company. I would however leave him if dh and i wanted to go on holiday and he would be fine. He can totally look after himself, cook etc. i think it is lovely to be able to spend time together because you want to not because you need to. Both your dc should be independent . Ds eats most meals with us unless at work or training and for us this is normal.

My 2 younger boys are 16 and 19 and I love spending time with them. My oldest is 22 and refused to be seen with me since 16. We would both absolutely give them lifts, take them shopping, have days out with them etc.

I think it's nice when teenagers want to spend time with their parents but it does sound they depend on your company more than what teenagers of their age should.

You said in your first post they don't go out with friends they in your second said they do go out with friends.
It's nice they want to spend an evening with you but most teenagers that age would be either out with friends or chatting online with friends on a Saturday night.
It sounds like your DH's issue is that your DC's seem to monopolise your time and I can actually see his point, at their age they should be widening their social circle

I think there is need for a bit of compromise here.
We should never stop ‘parenting’, listening and supporting our children is a life time commitment.
BUT I do think yours could stand to be a bit more independent and there should be some time when it’s just you and DH. You do make them sound quite needy and immature. I would expect to be able to leave 2 NT older teens on their own for a few days. Surely if there is food in the house they wouldn’t need to even go out that much if they didn’t want to.

Your husband sounds incredibly negative. Spending time with your children should be a pleasure- he’s making it sound like a burden.

I’m like you, op, and so are most parents I know. It’s lovely that they enjoy spending time with you.

Sounds like your husband had careless and uninterested parents and so that’s what he thinks is normal. It really isn’t and I would not change my behaviour in your shoes at all. I feel sorry for your kids that they have a father who thinks of them as “in the way”.

Although I do think they should be able to manage a week alone without you at that age it otherwise sounds like you have a lovely and very healthy relationship with your dc!
Your husband’s attitude is horrific - you don’t get to suddenly stop being a parent no matter how old or independent your children are. I’m in my thirties with teenagers of my own and I still go to my dad when I need advice or reassurance!