When or at what age so you "stop spending time /parenting teenagers"

[upoutandin87]

I have 2 teens 18 and 16 and I keep getting told I do too much and spend too much time with them. I admit they don't really give me a break as they tell me everything about their life and they don't go out with friends much. 16 year old has a hobby which stops in the holidays but when starts up again next week will hopefully be out the house a bit more but then when he gets back I will get a running commentary of his day. Neither child games or at that interested in TV or screens so evening and weekends that like just chatting and hanging with myself and DH. DH is done with parenting now he says they need to stop needing us and I should not be spending time listening to them rabbit on and on. I went shopping with DS this afternoon as I needed some bits for college (DH tried giving my son the money and telling him to leave me alone and go to town on his own). If they go out and I am out or at work DH will not take them or pick them up from anywhere - he makes them walk or get an uber. One is autistic and one suffers from anxiety so they don't feel safe in ubers or walking and I will always give in and take or pick them up. DH says they must be so embarassed as I am still doing stuff for them and he wouldn't be seen dead with his parents from about age 13. Some friends of ours find it really weird as they only see their kids in passing a couple of times a week and would have no idea what is happening in either of their lives as they wouldn't even ask as not their business.

DH thought he would get his life back - he wants to go away for a week in October but I don't feel the kids would cope without me here. Do I need to step back and get them to leave me alone? Kids have never been ones to stay in their rooms they have always loved being with us. DH says it should be us time now and they should either be in their rooms on their phones gaming or out with friends but we should have a life without them being in the way now.

Does DH have a good relationship with them as an adult?
IME parents who are over involved in their own relationship sacrifice their relationship with their children/as a whole family

But maybe his parents managed both so it's what he hopes for? (Being charitable - tbh he sounds like he doesn't want to put his energy into his children 😵‍💫)

My PIL are very loved up etc but have one adult child who bounces back frequently & an adult grandchild who lives with them 🤷‍♀️ their shared love of their family is a huge part of their relationship.

The problem is that they need you for that stuff, as in it isn't just a preference that it would be nice to have mum around.

I can understand DH wanting some Time back and he isn't wrong that they should have more going on for themselves (although I disagree but accept that for many teens that is screen stuff).

How refreshing to read the two teenage boys aren’t gaming or sitting in front of a TV all day! Most people I know with teenage children can’t get more than a grunt out of them and they’re constantly staring at their mobile phones. I get that it sounds a little bit too much at times and you might want to step back and look at what your needs are, but I would enjoy; it they won’t be around forever (in your home I mean).

My DC are 15, 17 and 19 (eldest is at uni but is home for the holidays). We all eat together every night (inless someone is out obvs) so I completely disagree with your DH about that. He expects them to eat separately? I'd find that really weird!

My older two can drive so I don't have to give them lifts any more (is your 18yo learning to drive?), but I'd still pick them up if they needed me to for some reason, and I still give the 15yo lots of lifts. If I couldn't pick him up he'd cycle (we live semi rurally so public transport isn't very good and it's too far to walk to the nearest town). I wouldn't expect them to get a taxi/uber.

I'd hesitate to go away for a week and leave mine alone (a night or two would be fine).

My kids aren't embarrassed to be seen with me and we would sometimes go shopping together, but not often. I'm happy to chat to them a lot too!

I do think it's slightly odd that they want to sit and watch TV with you in the evenings. Mine would do that occasionally (eg for the women's football final on Sunday, or we all played poker together the other night), but not regularly. I do enjoy my evenings with DH.

In summary, I'm much closer to you than to your DH as a parent of teens, but perhaps there are a couple of areas where you could encourage yours to be more independent. The driving thing would make a big difference for your 18yo.

It sounds to me like your dh was emotionally damaged by parental neglect, and is now perpetuating the generational trauma. Subconsciously it’s probably easier to think he was in control and would have hated to be seen/coddled by his dps than face the realisation of abandonment.

With autism it’s to be expected that your dc would struggle in some areas despite being competent in others. Also emotional and social development can be up to 3 years behind. While you need to guide them towards independence, it has to be done realistically. You may not be working within a standard timeframe

Reading about your dh's attitude made me feel really sad for you OP.

How sad that your dh doesn't want to spend time with his children. What has age got to do with it? Yes they should be becoming independent in practical ways, but since when does enjoying spending time together with family members stop when they are (nearly) adults?

My dc are 17 and about to turn 20. We always eat together when they are here (20yo is home from uni atm). They are good company!

I expect your husband is in a clumsy way trying to highlight that your kids need some help building their independence. It is if course totally right to still be involved and parent them but some instances you describe they do probably need to learn to overcome some of their anxieties, e.g using public transport.

Maybe sit down with dh and come up with a plan of things the kids can't manage yet and how you will help them build independence but also things which you might still need to support them with. Just to make sure you are on the same page.

We still spend lots of time with our 16 year old ds, I'm taking him out for brunch today, and no he's not embarrassed to be seen with me. We have breakfast and dinner together as a family. He does travel around independently though and uses trains and buses to get himself where he wants to go. Not late at night though, if he was going out at night we would pick him up.

Your dh doesn't get to be tored of parenting, they are his kids for life! You should be able to leave them for a weekend at this stage, then maybe build it up to a week.

I was very much left to my own devices from age 13. My Mother would leave the house taking my little brother and I would look after myself and get to school etc. My parents were divorcing and my Mother was developing mental health problems, which got worse. School knew things weren't right as I got into trouble for being in the library at lunchtime. I explained that my mum wasn't at home, though I didn't say I had no lunch nor was I asked.Maybe things would be different now.I supported myself financially after age 15 and looked after my brother as much as possible. I never intended to have a family as I was afraid of repeating my own past. I have gone the opposite way and am still supporting my son, now in his 30's, who had teenage problems. It's very hard to get Mothering right. However, I would say that if you're anxious about leaving your teens at home, are you going to enjoy the holiday? Your husband's statements that they should be in their rooms etc, really worry me. Many people complain that their teens can't/won't communicate are withdrawn, isolated etc. I would guess your husband is jealous, maybe he needs to talk to someone about his upbringing? Sounds like he's the only one with a problem in this scenario.

I don't think it's 'clumsy' to not even want your teenage dc to eat with you. It's just unpleasant!

One is autistic and one suffers from anxiety so they don't feel safe in ubers or walking

You need to parent the children you have, not the ones other people have.

My 20yo suffers from anxiety (as in it kept her out of school for a year). She is still catching up on independence to where she was pre-covid. We push her gently, but there is only so much she can cope with.

We were told durung the cygnet course to think of our autistic child as 3/4 of his actual age as a rough guide (i see pp has suggested up to 3 years behind) so the summary is you have to parent to that, not some other child.

Do you want to go away for a week with just your husband? :) I'm sure your dc would be fine.

Your relationship with your dc sounds normal to me. Your dh sounds like he doesn't have a friendship relationship with his dc, if he thinks they should not want to spend time with you both.

That's on him, but he shouldn't spoil your relationship with them.

I know this post was originally from last September. I have 2 adult children at home, one post uni, working and saving for a house and one home for summer from uni, both boys. They have lunch with us every day and dinner too. We watch tv shows together then they go off and do there own thing. Sometimes this does involve just chatting to Dh in the kitchen whilst he loads the dishwasher. Sometimes Ds1 is chatting or singing with me when it is my turn to make dinner.

They also both came on a UK holiday with us earlier this year. It is not weird or unusual to spend time with your children, teens or adults. I don't know why he thinks your children should be embarrassed about shopping with a parent and I think that is for you to question and unpick. I told mine before they got to the teen years I was not an accessory for their street cred. I have stood by them whilst they threw tantrums on the floor and have been far more embarrassed by their behaviour than me merely existing.

I think what your Dh is trying to say is he would like to spend more time with you one on one. It is important for you to carve out time for your relationship with him. You will never stop being a parent.