What age do you stop insisting teens visit family and come on days out

[motheroreily]

My daughter isn't a teen yet she's 12.
In the last year. She's spent more time in her room. It's a challenge getting her to do stuff that involves leaving the house.

I understand she's tired. But I don't know whether I should let her lie around in her pajamas all weekend. I've said she needs to do one thing every weekend. Even if it's going to the shops.

She has lots of friends. But doesn't always want to see them.

Should I just let her be? It's becoming a battle and I'm drained.

I have never stopped insisting they come to see family and come on days out.

Event is planned, they come. It’s not negotiable barring illness or emergency.

To all the people saying it's not normal to be so tired at 12- just to counter balance me and everyone I knew of the same age growing up were regularly staying in bed until mid day or later at holidays or weekends before we left primary school...

My DCs are 26 and 18 now, so I only do shopping trips with them for things they need (I pay) or occasional cinema trips if we're all free on a Saturday night.
However, going to see family is non-negotiable- they must do that - and to be fair, they've never said they won't come

16 not 26 lol

Teens need as much sleep as toddlers. Is she getting enough sleep?

What time is she getting up in the morning?

She might hate it but screens should be off an hour before she goes to sleep, maybe 9pm is too late.

Some things should continue to be inclusive, but if it's not essential for her to go with you then giving her some slack isn't the end of the world.

She's tired because she's doing fuck all other than staring at her phone.

Seriously consider a dinner time curfew for her mobile. Like, no phone from dinner onwards.

My DD is 15, autistic and has chronic fatigue. I insist she always comes out with us. We don't go out every weekend, but when we do then she comes. We plan so we don't go out till after lunch to accommodate her illness. But we are a family so we do things together and that's non negotiable.

I don't think it's a great idea for kids to think they don't have to deal with any of the boring bits of life.
Personally I would insist she helps with the shopping or does some other chore while you do the shopping. Get her involved in the meal planning too. She shouldn't be able to lounge in bed while you do all the work.And it's no good for her to be spending multiple hours on her phone/screen.
I speak from bitter experience, my DC are young adults and I wish I'd been stricter. As it is, the youngest ( in his 20s) barely leaves the house, although he has online mates.
At 12, you are still in charge. Get some decent routines going, like she can go on the phone at ( whatever time of day most of her friends are on) but not until she's done x,y and z, and only for an agreed amount of time. I'd insist she sees family and comes on family outings, although obviously structure these so that she does enjoy them, and make sure she gets enough exercise- whether that is dance, swimming, kayaking or something fun, maybe skating or ice hockey or would she consider Scouts or some kind of group with physical activities?
And then let her have time on the phone to chat to friends but on the agreed basis that she is still a minor and you will be checking her phone history regularly.

When my DCs were teens they always came with us on family days/events until they were probably late teens. For DS it was when he started playing sport at a high level and that took priority (he would drive himself) and for DD it was when she went off to Uni - so both 17/18.
Phones are definitely a huge problem with teens. I have heard just recently of several friends who have DCs who have totally failed GCSEs (some retakes at college) and they have put it down to too much time on phones and even watching videos during college lectures and classes. It's mad!
I find if I spend too much time looking at a screen it makes me feel tired or at least lethargic. The more you lounge around, the less you feel like being active. I'd be wanting to drag her out her bedroom with a list of jobs to do and fun activities for her to get involved with and seeing family too.

Thank you. This has given me alot to think about. Sorry these are some all over the place thoughts.

I did talk to her today and she said we'd seen my sister recently which is true (about 10 days ago). So maybe I'll plan family visits but make sure we have some free days too.
She does a dance class on Fridays but that's her only extra curricular activity.
I share custody and know she up very late at her dad's. This was also part of the reason I put controls on her phone.
I will get the phone to turn off at 830 in the week. I think she uses it too late to bedtime.
After we spoke she had a shower today and did some homework without me asking. I know this is not a massive thing but maybe I should back off a bit and pick my battles.
A lazy day is fine if you also have productive days.

Family visits are non negotiable. Now DS is 16 and one of his grandparents is frail, he's started to understand mortality and that it is important to spend time with family while we can. Everything else has always been if he wants to, since an age he could stay at home depending on the time of day. So early secondary school age, day time, and as he got older, evenings too. Sometimes he will come, sometimes not. He goes out with his friends a lot though. Sitting in a bedroom on a device 24/7 is really, really bad for mental health, so you need to do something about that.

Sounds like she us addicted to watching total crap on her phone

We really as parents have to step up and tackle.this. she isn't tired she is addicted to tik tok and youtube

Of course she needs limits on the phone it's literally poison in our kids hands

I gave a 12 yrbold and the phone has limits ....if it didn't I know he would turn down living his actual life and stare mindlessly at the addictive device all day long

Kids need daily limits on the phone not just a cut off at bedtime..they won't be making plans with friends as the apps just suck them in

I find it depressing that we are letting kids this age fall into the addiction trap. I see it with my son and his friends..endless scrolling and so distracted vy the phone they can't be bothered to get out....

They really have to be pushed.

Do you know how many hours a day she is online ? I think that sounds like the issue not the family day out

Eldest dc are 16 and 14.

Family visits or get togethers they always come on (but are more than happy to anyway).

Anything else...just normal stuff or day trips or outings, if they have something better planned then that's fine. If not, we often 'drag' them along - but tbh most of the time they enjoy it when it's happening, they just need a kick up the arse to get going.

There were a number of times over the summer when it was a nice day, they were slopping around in PJ's and I 'made' them come for a couple of hours walking the dog along the coast or whatever (with ds3 too but he's 7 so obviously always comes everywhere - and tbh he's just as delighted with a theme park or a trip to Lidl, he's that age where he's ridiculously easy to please as long as we do something).

They usually ended up either adhoc swimming (in their pants) or skimming stones, messing about and chasing the dog around or whatever. Far better than sitting in their darkened room staring at a screen.

I'll continue to 'drag' them places as long as possible.

Sounds like she is becoming quite a typical teenage. I know a lot of people with 12 year olds who are the same. My daughter is 12, she isn't in her room all the time and will come out, but she enjoys her own company a lot more these days, and can spend hours in her room. My step son is becoming the same, just wants to be left alone and not join in with family activities. He's 11.

I loved being on my own for hours at this age, and as a teenage. You have a whole other world of friends and social media, music and films, that your parents are not a part of (this isn't a bad thing), and she's just enjoying this independence, and exploring her interests. It might not sound like it because she is in her room, but there is a lot more going on in there than you think.

I was also so tired as a teenage, you forget how intense school can be.

I think trying to get her out and join family activities is important, she'll remember the effort when she is older... but also it's important to respect her growing independence.

Mine are 16 and 14- I encourage it but don’t force it. That way if there’s something I really want them to do they tend to do it. I also try and plan stuff for us one and one that I know they’ll like- a lunch out or a shopping trip.

I was going to type the exact same!!! I'm lucky with mine, he is a fly fisherman and is out every second he can be fishing. I have had neighbours though whose kid spent the entire summer hols on his phone or on a gaming thingy and would not come out at all!!

I think if you limit the phone use then she will become bored and be more likely to go out and do something. Given the choice of staying in on her phone, she will always pick it. There's a really good documentary on iPlayer about 2 teenagers who gave up their phones for a week and how it made them do other activities. Well worth a watch.

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0022n0f

i find my DD the same age needs about 10hrs sleep a night and has quite the appetite, though she does a fair bit of sport plus walks to/from school every day. She’s been having periods for about a year and that deffo impacts her energy level.

She has to be up and dressed properly (breakfast eaten, teeth clean, hair brushed) before she goes on her phone - and it’s capped at 1hr per weekday and 2 at weekends.

She often protests if we’re going somewhere “boring” or without other friends, but always enjoys hanging out whilst we’re there. Sometimes we bribe, sometimes we downplay/don’t mention the boring bits, sometimes we negotiate, sometimes we “force”.

I think she and our other DC know that we’re “firm but fair”. We try to explain why we’re insisting on xyz, why we’re not sure about abc etc etc and why there’s no choice in blah blah blah. She doesn’t always have to like it and we’re happy to throw in a lighthearted “we know we’re the worlds worst parents”.

But she’s still definitely pulling away more now. Which is normal. I think we’re just trying to not give her too many reasons to pull away faster and further than any of us a ready for.

All ours kept visiting Grandma (which they were thoroughly bored with!) every 3 weeks from birth to 16 - by which time they all had weekend jobs.

Days out - the ones left at home (21 and 17) they're still always keen to come out if it involves a cafe. DD 17 still likes to be out at shops or theatre with me.

If no cafe involved, they aren't keen tbh!

If she’s able to use her phone all day until 8.30pm then she’s no doubt on her phone all day and that’s why she doesn’t want to do anything else. At 12 I’d put some weekend controls on it so she does other things as it’s not good to be on your phone all day. But many kids are these days and they get phones younger and younger so it’s normal to not want to go out and waste time doom scrolling and chatting to friends online. That’s ok within reason but not all day both weekend days

Thank you. I will put some time limits on her phone too. I have family link so can see how long she uses it and I have too approve all apps. She doesn't have tiktok.
I need to get a balance with spending time with family, doing activities and having time to herself.
To be fair she wasn't in her room all weekend. She watched a film and some TV with me, played with her brother, made some cakes and walked to the shops to get ingredients, did some homework and she did all the washing up without being asked.
Sadly she doesn't have any grandparents but I do try and see my sister once a month. I think she should come too unless she has other plans. She doesn't complain about days out if it's something fun and the journey isn't too long.