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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

What age do you stop insisting teens visit family and come on days out

47 replies

motheroreily · 07/09/2024 12:38

My daughter isn't a teen yet she's 12.
In the last year. She's spent more time in her room. It's a challenge getting her to do stuff that involves leaving the house.

I understand she's tired. But I don't know whether I should let her lie around in her pajamas all weekend. I've said she needs to do one thing every weekend. Even if it's going to the shops.

She has lots of friends. But doesn't always want to see them.

Should I just let her be? It's becoming a battle and I'm drained.

OP posts:
HerewegoagainSS · 07/09/2024 12:40

I understand she's tired.

why is she so tired? A normal week at school plus a bit of homework does not need a weekend in bed to recover from. That’s what you do when you have had a serious illness or an operation. When she is older and has a job, she may have kids to take care of and a home to run at the weekends. Is she just lazy?

5475878237NC · 07/09/2024 12:41

What is it that's she's doing with her time?

Barkingdoghell · 07/09/2024 12:43

I suppose think about why that’s your rule, and if the rule is meeting it’s purpose

how does it help her (or you) for her to begrudgingly go to the supermarket?
if you simply want her to get out the house then that’s fine, it works.

If you are worried about depression or you want her to spend time with you or you want her to enjoy things other than being in her room by herself, that rule probably isn’t helping, so is there another way to achieve those things?

SauviGone · 07/09/2024 12:43

If she’s so tired she needs to lie around all weekend in her pyjamas you need to take her to the doctor to get a blood test done.

That is not normal.

Original poster
motheroreily · 07/09/2024 12:43

Thank you. That's a good point. I just remember being tired when I was a teenager. But she's not doing anything excessive!

When she's at home she's normally on her phone watching videos and talking to friends. I've have limits on it so the phone shuts off at 9 and time limits on it too. Which she hatea

OP posts:
5475878237NC · 07/09/2024 12:45

What a shame. Smartphones are literally ruining childhoods. She would have been out interacting with these friends if not for a phone.

redskydarknight · 07/09/2024 12:46

Pick your battles.

Bi-monthly visit to see grandparents? She has to come.

Family day out that's she's agreed to and has been planned in advance? Has to come

Visit to supermarket because you think she should leave the house? What does this achieve?

I think 12 is an inbetween age. IME they are not yet skilled in making plans with friends and wanting to be out with them all the time, but you'll probably find this will ramp up over the next year or so.

Original poster
motheroreily · 07/09/2024 12:48

5475878237NC · 07/09/2024 12:45

What a shame. Smartphones are literally ruining childhoods. She would have been out interacting with these friends if not for a phone.

I agree. Apparently none of her friends have limits on their phones. I'm not sure if that's true.

OP posts:
Original poster
motheroreily · 07/09/2024 12:49

@redskydarknight this is a good idea. I could be clearer about what's planned and write it on the calendar. But not force her to do things for the sake of getting out.

OP posts:
Original poster
motheroreily · 07/09/2024 12:49

@redskydarknight this is a good idea. I could be clearer about what's planned and write it on the calendar. But not force her to do things for the sake of getting out.

OP posts:
spikeandbuffy24 · 07/09/2024 12:51

Just keep asking
I used to hate being forced to do stuff but sometimes would go randomly if asked casually
My dad would always say "I'm off to the bakery/supermarket/shops, want to come and get a cake or stop off at X on the way back?"

Basically I could be bribed with food and drink Grin or visiting something interesting

pinkroses79 · 07/09/2024 12:55

She probably wants to lie around in her room because she just wants to be on technology all the time, not because she's too tired to function. Mine were both like that and one still is! (16 but been like it for years.) I think it depends on the situation - I insisted on visiting family, because it's selfish not to - I did remind them that they were happy to receive presents etc and certain family members like to see them. But our visits are infrequent - only every few months for most people - if it was every week I would not insist. For family days out, depends. For my eldest I tried to make him come otherwise the youngest would be upset, but it only lasted up until about 14 and would depend on where it was. For youngest, up to him.

Original poster
motheroreily · 07/09/2024 12:59

Thank you this is really helpful
We were going to visit my sister today. We did see her about 10 days ago. So maybe I shouldn't plan so many frequent visits.
Although yesterday when I mentioned it she was fine with the idea. She's woken up in a bad mood.

OP posts:
pinkroses79 · 07/09/2024 12:59

Day trip wise, it would definitely depend on the trip itself and how exciting it was. Day trip to seaside - wouldn't want to come. Daytrip to London - usually up for it. Bike ride in the forest (would be happy doing that with siblings but complain it was rubbish because I was too slow!) Anything in local city centre - wouldn't want to come in case of being seen by school friends with a parent!

Summertimer · 07/09/2024 13:01

We have one DC. I remember 12 as being a time when they were less out with friends than any other age. At 10 and 11 they would go over to see local friends or hang out in the park. From 12 onwards, the park tended to be only if playing footie or basketball because the smokers and sweary kids were the only ones just hanging out in the park. 12 is a bit young for a trip into town or cinema with friends, somehow. I do remember more time on the iPad/phone. I had some rules about that - not in bedroom overnight, being the key one. However, our DC was usually on a thirst for knowledge or streaming movies which concerned me less. He was - still is - up for family walks or coffee with family.

I think if you don’t highlight things too much it will pass OP

Smartiepants79 · 07/09/2024 13:01

motheroreily · 07/09/2024 12:48

I agree. Apparently none of her friends have limits on their phones. I'm not sure if that's true.

Show quote history

It’s irrelevant. What do you want for her, what her friends are allowed is up to their parents.
I insist on getting up, getting washed and dressed and going for at least part of one of the days of the weekend. On a day when there is not a sensible option or reason to go out I insist on then having chosen some activities that don’t include the phone and mean they have achieved something. Like baking or sports or craft. I do also include playing games together such as Mario cart- this is a compromise as I feel they are at least interacting and socialising with each each other!
I find the more time mine spend lying around the more ‘tired’ they appear to become.

Smartiepants79 · 07/09/2024 13:02

Oh an time spent visiting family is also non-negotiable.

BarbedButterfly · 07/09/2024 13:04

She may well be an introvert. I didn't have a phone years ago and did the same with a book. I am still a total home bird. Also I do remember how tired I was as a teenager and my bones aching.

Keep your rule if it makes you feel better but some people do just prefer being at home.

BobbyBiscuits · 07/09/2024 13:05

I was always absolutely knackered at around that age. Like exhausted. On weekends I easily slept 14 hours! I was always starving, and really tired! I think it might be like growing pains kind of thing. Teens needs loads of calories and sleep.
Tbh if I were you I'd not force her to do stuff. But I would try and see if she might be depressed or something.
It's probably just that she's tired from school, and at that age it's probably desperately uncool to hang around with your family.
She'll probably get more sociable with family in her older teens/early 20s? I've found that with my young cousins.

Sunnycolours · 07/09/2024 13:08

My dd just turned 12 and started high school and I wouldn’t be happy with what you describe. If it helps, I’m really strict with her phone. It is a tool for her to use to contact us when she is on her journey to and from school. She’s allowed to message friends. Otherwise her phone is very locked down. A few games she can play on the bus. 20 mins a day of Pinterest which she looks at for art and baking ideas. That’s it, no other socials. She’s allowed an hour a day to watch shows or play Minecraft on her iPad.

theduchessofspork · 07/09/2024 13:09

HerewegoagainSS · 07/09/2024 12:40

I understand she's tired.

why is she so tired? A normal week at school plus a bit of homework does not need a weekend in bed to recover from. That’s what you do when you have had a serious illness or an operation. When she is older and has a job, she may have kids to take care of and a home to run at the weekends. Is she just lazy?

Edited

No she’s a teenager ffs, they do often sleep more, it’s hormonal

A compromise is what you want, so you are doing the right thing OP. Don’t let her rot in her bed entirely and encourage her to see friends and come on SOME family trips.

As a PP says bribery - ‘we could get a coffee on the way back’ often works.

I think it’s v unlikely none of her friends have phone limits, but regardless, it’s essential

Original poster
motheroreily · 07/09/2024 13:10

Thank you. All your views are helpful.
She's 12 in year 8. So will be 13 shortly.

OP posts:
RayKray · 07/09/2024 13:12

When I was a teen I used to be tired a lot and find visiting family very stressful. Turns out I'm autistic so that was why, not 'lazy'. Peopling can be a lot of work for some people, and she's been doing it all week at school.

reluctantbrit · 07/09/2024 17:21

DD is autistic and has ADHD so family visits are tiring as she is masking constantly. She also has trouble sleeping and does need the weekend to relax.

But - we do plan things and she does enjoy them and comes with us. Sometimes DH and I are on our own but I do think a walk in the woods is not really on any teen's agenda.

Supermarket - I honestly can't remember when DD came with me unless it was to get her a snack before going to her theatre group and we were early (there is a Sainsbury next to the venue and I do stop to get a couple of things most weeks).

DD and I share an interest so we do go out on some things together though.

theeyeofdoe · 07/09/2024 17:29

i find teens get way more grumpy and lethargic if they do nothing all weekend. Everyone has one activity of their choice. DD has just been to the trampoline park, DS2 is out on his bike and DS1 has gone to play golf.