Do you allow your teen to be a mini adult?

[Joedd]

My 14 year old DD is quite introverted and mostly covers herself up - even in summer will wear joggers and a hoodie, she has a limited dark wardrobe and doesn’t like to dress up. She wears minimal make up and isn’t really into anything designer or expensive such as clothes, skincare etc. On the wholeI’m happy with her choices tho I wish she would relax with her clothing and wear nice t-shirts and shorts when its hot.

However, I can’t help but sometimes compare her to other teenagers I know who wear the tiniest of little clothes, they have very very expensive skincare and make up, designer handbags costing several hundred pounds. They have boyfriends sleeping over. Most of that I would not be happy with as I still think of DD as a child.

Are these people too quick to mini-adult their kids or does mine sound like she’s not adulting enough? She does always tell me not to worry about her and never appears unhappy.

So you want to control what your child does and you are wondering why others don't control their children?

When are they allowed to think for themselves?

I would think wearing tiny clothes is about as peak teenager as you can get? Not many adults wear tiny clothes over a certain age.

I think your teenager sounds perfectly normal and for some reason, some girls are encouraged to grow up too quickly.

I find it shocking that parents are allowing 14 year olds to have sex in the house. I'm also uncomfortable with children wearing skimpy clothes and their parents are completely wasting their money on expensive skincare.

A lot of it I believe is the influence of social media. Your daughter is her own person and seems happy in her own skin, so I wouldn't worry too much.

Where did you read the control part?

There is some middle ground to be had surely.

DD has always had her own style, she likes the dark academia look (think 1950s geography teacher), tweed, long wool coats, knit vest, shirts, waist coats, bow ties, trousers braces, poet shirts, selection of not too goth bits from Disturbia. She teams it with a pixie cut, a dark burgundy lip and cat eye and converse leather boots.

She looks great, is confident in her choices, she likes skin care in terms of facemasks and moisturiser serum but I wouldn't be buying her ££££ items. Nor would she want them just as she wouldn't want to wear anything she considered revealing too much skin.

She wears no make up for school and loves non uniform day when she can be herself.

(Although I do agree with everything else)

That’s nice to hear. She sounds like you’ve raised her to have good self esteem.

You sound rather judgey. My 15 year old loves make up and wears some tiny clothes along with lots of vintage stuff. She has legions of friends and is always out and about. Dont know anyone that would allow a boyfriend to stay over at 14 - surely that’s illegal? She’s not had a boyfriend as far as I know her focus is her lovely fun friends and parties.

I think you need to let them be free to choose, and just try to guide them? My 14 has done expensive make up, she buys it herself, so her decision. I buy her expensive skin care (tropics) as I don’t want putting crap on her face.
are Her shots sometimes shorter than I like? Yes. But she’s a good kid with good morals.

absolutely not in a million years woukd he having sex in our house.

she’s not even held hands yet!!!

We're negotiating that now, particularly with time away from home.

Oldest is 16, very mature in many ways - people meeting them often assume they are at university. After GCSEs, which they totally dedicated a year to, we have barely seen them all summer - to the point when we have asked they do put some time aside for family, especially as their brother was missing doing things as a family. It's not that they dislike being with us, but they have a youth group they go to a lot, take part in activism, do stage and choir performances etc, so they are very busy.

They sometimes ring after a day out and ask if they can come back very late but we are still generally operating a 'home by 11pm' policy. We are based in London, so they travel by public transport - we're a 5 minute walk from a tube station where the walk home is along a highstreet that is quite busy until that time and pretty safe.

They genuinely have no interest in alcohol or drugs and neither do their friends, and although they could easily get into 18+ venues they feel coy about it and say they wouldn't try to.

I've always been of the belief that as a parent you are raising an adult, not a child, but I guess I've been a little surprised by a bit of sadness that they're not always around to do things as a family anymore, but I remind myself that is healthy and normal. It's much better than a scenario when you have a teen who never goes out with anyone and is on their phone all the time, which is not uncommon these days.

I take no credit for this, by the way, this is just how they are.

Absolutely agree.

It's the parents letting their teens have boyfriends sleep over who are out of line here.

Your daughter sounds great, OP.

Exactly - parents can set boundaries etc but the type of teen you get depends on their personality not your parenting. Friends have teens who live extremely quiet homebody lives despite their parents being party people. You can’t “make” a teen be gregarious or quiet it’s their innate character.

I don’t understand, the way your DD dresses is the same as an adult woman, is it not? It is just a different preference for clothing style compared to the stereotype of a teenage girl.

“I've always been of the belief that as a parent you are raising an adult, not a child..”

That is so true!

We did it their pace though. My DS was almost fully independent at 14, and we let him be a mini-adult, but my youngest DD is still quite emotionally dependent at 19!

The key aspect was trustworthiness. If they behaved in a way that was responsible (being contactable, telling us where they were, owning up to mistakes, being respectful, being trustworthy with school work, locking up the house etc) - they got more freedom. It was totally in their interest to behave in a mature way.

Dd did at a time keep wanting to go into selfridges for very expensive skin care as seen on TikTok- which I didn’t buy her. She’s past that now but then I have guilt when I see people I know posting on social media the kind of things they are getting their teens for gifts, birthdays etc. it looks like thousands are being spent on jewellery, designer clothes etc Should I be bowing to pressure (that I’m putting on myself 😬) and buy her more designer things to keep up??

She's told you that she doesn't want it and isn't interested. It doesn't sound like her style at all so I'm not sure what the issue is.

Why would you buy things she doesn’t want? Gifts are supposed to make the receiver happy, not the giver. If you don’t know what she likes, ask her for a list.

Yes true she’s dressing her own way and however she’s comfortable.

16yo has very much launched themselves into a more adult life.

It will be a trickier process with DS (13) as he has ADHD and in his case it comes with being a little developmentally behind his peers, albeit catching up gradually. We've been trying to encourage him to arrange seeing friends and so on, but most of them are also neurodivergent and we tend to end up sorting it out between parents. Oldest was pretty much sorting their own social life at 12.

Sex has not come up yet - oldest is gay and not likely to sleep with any boys. I've been of the view that once kids and partner are of legal age, I would allow them to sleep together, because if anything's going to happen, I would rather it was under the safety of my roof. But honestly I don't think there's much risk of either of mine being precocious sexually.

@Joedd - you're DD doesn't sound immature at all. In fact she's mature enough not to rush to do things just to seem more grown up.

Good points thank you - there is no issue from her, her dad says the same - I’m overthinking it 😊- wish I didnt do it!!
she’s doesn’t really ask for very expensive things because I’ve told her no. A guilt is that I can afford it ( not Mumsnet rich but do have a good job) but I give the kids limits on spending - more to teach them about managing finances,

You seem to be saying that wearing tracksuits and not wanting to buy make up is “good” and the other teens are “bad”? What so wrong with abit of make up at 15? Don’t really get your point.

You're coming across as deliberately inflammatory OP.

Have a good evening.

Don’t know anyone that showers their teen in designer gear and gets them lots of top brand make up and some of dds friends are from extremely wealthy families. . .

You don't make your child dress the way she does so why are you holding parents responsible for 'mini-adulting' their kids? There are kids who dress the way they want, those who dress to fit in with their peer group and those who just don't care.
It has nothing to with 'adulting'. I would be thinking more along the lines of doing their own laundry, cooking, chores, doing homework without being reminded, etc etc. These things hold far more resemblance to what adults do than how they dress!

Your daughter is fine and so are other people's daughters. But I think it's strange your daughter doesn't wear t-shirts at least in Summer.

I have twin daughters, aged 15, who are pretty different in this sense. dd1 is the one who isn't really into big skin care and has just the basic face wash and cream and regarding makeup, she just does mascara, lip gloss and light blush. She isn't into anything designer at all but does like nice clothes to wear. She has a much different style compared to her sister and is into long jeans, cozy jumpers, oversized or baby tshirts (no normal fitting!). She is much more quieter and is into reading, piano playing, singing etc. She goes out with her friends quite a bit but not to big gatherings or parties.

dd2 on the other hand loves all things skincare and makeup. I sometimes worry for it ruining her skin but it's what she adores. She likes going out with a full face of makeup and likes designer bags and clothes. She wears jeans with crop tops and what you call "skimpy" I suppose. She's much more extroverted and loves big, big parties with all of her friends. She is more sporty.

They are both perfectly normal teenagers. They do seem pretty different for twins on the outside but honestly, they are very similar really. Neither of them have boyfriends yet but their friends do and none of their parents are allowing these boyfriends to be sleeping over. At 15, that is quite risky.