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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

13 yo doesn’t want to live with me

26 replies

LoyalLeo · 01/09/2024 07:56

Hello
i wondered if anyone can offer me some advice as I am completely drained of ideas and techniques to use now having exhausted all avenues.
I split from the children’s dad nearly two years ago however he stayed living with us for a few months after.
When he lived with us (our two girls), he spent very little time with us and showed little to no interest in their lives.
He would come home from work on the weekends and sit and drink Fri Sat Sun nights which I dreaded because often he would talk rubbish to the kids. Towards the last year or so before he moved out his behaviour became much more erratic - walked my youngest daughter from her friends house in the pouring rain home absolutely drunk out his head. I had to console her when she got in.
At the time the kids couldn’t wait for him to leave. I kept the big house on so the kids could have some stability as they were incredibly upset to think of leaving the home. That has hit me hard financially but was worth it for their sake.
Since he’s been gone he’s seen my youngest once a week for tea. My eldest is very uncomfortable in his presence and chooses not to see him. She’s 18 and wants nothing to do with him.
my youngests behaviour has become very negative and nasty in the home towards both of us. She constantly says she hates me, that I never give her money that dad gives me (csa). She’s told me her dad has said that I should be giving her the csa money directly to her and that if she lives with him he will put it all into her account for her to spend. I saved up so she could go on a ski trip with school which wasn’t cheap and took her away this summer. She really doesn’t do without from me however her demands and very bad attitude towards me is unbelievable. I’m always telling her I love her. She says she hates where we live now etc.
I have a new partner who she’s not said anything bad about but her dad has been negative about.
I’ve tried all techniques with her - getting cross, being calm etc but nothing works.
she tells me to F off etc etc - it’s so very bad.
she came home from being with her dad twice now once hungover and the other been sick from having drinks.
I’ve approached him to talk but he’s not interested and turns her behaviour on me as predicted by a manipulator.
ive allowed her to start seeing him two nights a week but not the weekend night for now in thinking about potential exposure to drink, because in the week he goes to the gym.
Any advice would be great. Please no nasty comments as I’m incredibly down with all of this.
thank you

OP posts:
PonyPlaiter · 01/09/2024 16:56

How long have you been with your new partner? How often does he come round?

username44416 · 01/09/2024 17:06

I wouldn't facilitate her going there because he's turning her into an alcoholic.

In my opinion, you need to do some parenting classes. Speak to Family Lives, they're an organisation who can advise and point you in the right direction.

For the time being, she needs firm and consistent boundaries. There should be consequences for her language (no WI-FI etc), she will not be getting the maintenance money and that's the last you want to hear of it.

I would download a co parenting app that keeps a record of all interaction from now on.

Original poster
LoyalLeo · 02/09/2024 05:35

username44416 · 01/09/2024 17:06

I wouldn't facilitate her going there because he's turning her into an alcoholic.

In my opinion, you need to do some parenting classes. Speak to Family Lives, they're an organisation who can advise and point you in the right direction.

For the time being, she needs firm and consistent boundaries. There should be consequences for her language (no WI-FI etc), she will not be getting the maintenance money and that's the last you want to hear of it.

I would download a co parenting app that keeps a record of all interaction from now on.

Thank you for this advice i shall contact family lives.
I can’t control what money he will give her when she’s there and that is almost like buying her. He's apparently already contacted csa to let them know it’s three nights not the two I have reduced it to.
Shpuld I be direct to him and tell him why I’ve reduced it? The issue is that he will tell my daughter this as he tells her everything I say and this may even make her stop drip feeding me bits of information.
Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
LoyalLeo · 02/09/2024 05:44

PonyPlaiter · 01/09/2024 16:56

How long have you been with your new partner? How often does he come round?

Hi

I’ve been with him 15 months now. He’s just moved in as he lived a good half hour away. He took her out some months back bowling and they had a good time. He’s asked her if she wants to go on his bike next week which she’s agreed to.
He has reached out to her to let her know he’s there if she needs to talk about anything.
He only came round in the beginning once a week if that then it moved to every weekend this last few months. Even when he’s been here on weekends I’ve given and offered my time to her. I deliberately kept him at a minimum to start with.

OP posts:
FacingTheWall · 02/09/2024 05:51

Minimise the amount of time she spends with him as much as you can. I’ve had two friends in recent years lose contact with their teenage children in similar circumstances, where dad has let them do whatever they want and convinced them that they were the wronged party. It’s been heartbreaking to watch.

However I suspect some of this is a reaction to the breakneck speed at which you’ve moved on. Less than two years since you split up and he stayed living with you after that? But the new guy has been on the scene for fifteen months? And now he’s moved in. That’s a lot of change for kids to get used to.

2024riot · 02/09/2024 05:51

I feel so sorry for kids whose parents move randoms in

Must be so bloody hard to deal with having someone in your space

sashh · 02/09/2024 05:59

When she says she hates you what she is really saying is, "Do you still love me?"

I'd sit her down with the bills and say she can have the CMS but you will not provide anything, no electricity, no water, no food unless she contributes.

I'm fairly sure 1/4 of each bill will add up to more than the CSA.

confusedlots · 02/09/2024 06:23

It's likely a lot of her behaviour is down to the fact that you have a new partner so quickly and he has now moved in. Seeing him every weekend will clearly make your 13 year old feel way down on your list of priorities, you can't be overly surprised she's lashing out. And of course her dad is exploiting this to try and be her best friend and win points.

aodirjjd · 02/09/2024 06:29

I often think people are overly harsh when they criticise mothers for getting into new relationships to soon but moving someone in with your teenagers within 2 years of splitting with dad is a hell of a change for her.

Original poster
LoyalLeo · 02/09/2024 07:43

FacingTheWall · 02/09/2024 05:51

Minimise the amount of time she spends with him as much as you can. I’ve had two friends in recent years lose contact with their teenage children in similar circumstances, where dad has let them do whatever they want and convinced them that they were the wronged party. It’s been heartbreaking to watch.

However I suspect some of this is a reaction to the breakneck speed at which you’ve moved on. Less than two years since you split up and he stayed living with you after that? But the new guy has been on the scene for fifteen months? And now he’s moved in. That’s a lot of change for kids to get used to.

I’m trying to minimise it as much as I can but it’s very hard when they are both almost thick as thieves together.
she knew things were over well before the formal split and had no time for him/struggled in his company which was why I had to end things. My eldest was going to move out. My youngest quoted at the time that she was going to put me on a dating website but I know that what they think they will feel can be different when it hits.
I didn’t go out looking for someone, I met my partner through a friend and has been incredibly supportive to us all. Yes it sounds soon after the breakup but things had deteriorated a good two years prior. I know kids don’t see everything however- my eldest did which may be why she’s settled.

OP posts:
Greytulips · 02/09/2024 07:50

Not all children are sad when their parents split up. The adults I have spoken to were received.

I think this is more about freedom, he clearly is the lacks parent and you are over parenting to make up his shortfall.

Have you discussed what she would like in future - going to town with friends, walking to the gym, having pocket money each week - see if it makes a difference.

TotalDramarama24 · 02/09/2024 08:05

Can you move your partner back out? "A good half hour away" is literally no distance. Couldn't you have waited a bit longer before moving a random man in at breakneck speed into the home of two teenage girls? It must be so hard for them having to share their house with a complete stranger when being a teen with separated parents is hard enough. I'm not surprised she's angry with you, and it might not be all down to her dad like you think.

FinallyYouSaid · 02/09/2024 08:10

She's come home from there drunk or hungover twice.

That's enough.

Stop sending her there, tell him why, tell him to take you to court and deal with her tantrums.

TotalDramarama24 · 02/09/2024 08:11

Also saying that even when your new partner has been there at the weekends you've "given in" and given your time to your DD is an absolutely disgusting thing to say, or way to look at things. Your DD should always be your priority, not your new boyfriend.

GrazingSheep · 02/09/2024 08:14

So a man she hardly knows has been moved into her home after her alcoholic father has moved out. And you wonder why she has problems???

Berga · 02/09/2024 08:17

Moved a man in because he lived a 'good half an hour away' less than two years after her alcoholic dad left, during which presumably she also started secondary school and her teenage years.

You are contributing to this issue. Your poor DD.

longdistanceclaraclara · 02/09/2024 08:19

She's likely reacting to the new partner moving in. Can he move out?

Redruby2020 · 02/09/2024 08:22

I just thought when I have dated/or had a bf they lived 15/20 minutes away I didn't move them in, half hr is ten minutes further away. Doesn't make sense.

I know of a woman whose bf has been around 8/9 years now, still not living together fully. But her eldest has called the bf daddy for years, but when he is not there the daughter is allowed in the mums bed, but if he is staying she's not because she said it's not right really as he's not her real father 🤦‍♀️ some women don't make sense really.

Newbutoldfather · 02/09/2024 08:28

Drinking enough to be hungover aged 13 is a serious safeguarding issue.

Although, I won’t be as harsh as others, as I believe parents are allowed to have new partners, it clearly is an issue to her. The fact that she enjoyed a night bowling or has ‘agreed’ to go on his bike isn’t proof that she feels comfortable living with him. (And I would definitely not be comfortable with a young teen riding pillion with a guy you have known less than two years).

I am not sure that keeping the ‘big’ house was really for your daughter either. I am sure you didn’t really want to downsize of or have the hassle of moving.

If you don’t want a world of problems, you need to act fast. Because, if your daughter stays at your ex’s and refuses to come home, you won’t be able to make her. You need to make clear to both your daughter and ex that drinking to excess is totally unacceptable in a 13 year old and you will be referring to social services if it ever happens again.

You also need to discuss with your daughter why she really wants to move, explain what you use the child support money for and how she benefits from it. I also don’t really understand the need for your recently moved in partner to take your daughter out alone. Why can’t you go? Ask her how she feels about him in a non-leading way. Maybe she has concerns that she currently isn’t able to voice. And take it from there…

aodirjjd · 02/09/2024 08:30

LoyalLeo · 02/09/2024 07:43

I’m trying to minimise it as much as I can but it’s very hard when they are both almost thick as thieves together.
she knew things were over well before the formal split and had no time for him/struggled in his company which was why I had to end things. My eldest was going to move out. My youngest quoted at the time that she was going to put me on a dating website but I know that what they think they will feel can be different when it hits.
I didn’t go out looking for someone, I met my partner through a friend and has been incredibly supportive to us all. Yes it sounds soon after the breakup but things had deteriorated a good two years prior. I know kids don’t see everything however- my eldest did which may be why she’s settled.

Show quote history

Dating is fine. It’s obviously not to soon for you but it’s way to soon for him to be living with your daughters

username44416 · 02/09/2024 08:33

LoyalLeo · 02/09/2024 05:35

Thank you for this advice i shall contact family lives.
I can’t control what money he will give her when she’s there and that is almost like buying her. He's apparently already contacted csa to let them know it’s three nights not the two I have reduced it to.
Shpuld I be direct to him and tell him why I’ve reduced it? The issue is that he will tell my daughter this as he tells her everything I say and this may even make her stop drip feeding me bits of information.
Thank you

Show quote history

I would contact Gingerbread on how to handle the contact and maintenance. They have a good helpline.

Original poster
LoyalLeo · 02/09/2024 08:53

Newbutoldfather · 02/09/2024 08:28

Drinking enough to be hungover aged 13 is a serious safeguarding issue.

Although, I won’t be as harsh as others, as I believe parents are allowed to have new partners, it clearly is an issue to her. The fact that she enjoyed a night bowling or has ‘agreed’ to go on his bike isn’t proof that she feels comfortable living with him. (And I would definitely not be comfortable with a young teen riding pillion with a guy you have known less than two years).

I am not sure that keeping the ‘big’ house was really for your daughter either. I am sure you didn’t really want to downsize of or have the hassle of moving.

If you don’t want a world of problems, you need to act fast. Because, if your daughter stays at your ex’s and refuses to come home, you won’t be able to make her. You need to make clear to both your daughter and ex that drinking to excess is totally unacceptable in a 13 year old and you will be referring to social services if it ever happens again.

You also need to discuss with your daughter why she really wants to move, explain what you use the child support money for and how she benefits from it. I also don’t really understand the need for your recently moved in partner to take your daughter out alone. Why can’t you go? Ask her how she feels about him in a non-leading way. Maybe she has concerns that she currently isn’t able to voice. And take it from there…

Thank you for your message.
obviously on here it’s hard to paint the exact picture of things.
I looked at other properties with the kids but she was so adamant on keeping this house plus I didn’t want total disruption at once. It was not for my benefit at all.
she has not just changed I. Behaviour due to my partner moving in which has only been a week now. She changed last autumn. I did not have my new partner round much at all.
I have had many a chat with her openly about him - even when she’s kicking off at me, not once had she said anything negative about him.
Her dad is a big manipulator and did that to me for many years so I know what negatives are being said about me - making her question everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoyalLeo · 02/09/2024 08:55

longdistanceclaraclara · 02/09/2024 08:19

She's likely reacting to the new partner moving in. Can he move out?

He’s only been in a week.
Shes been behaving like this since last autumn - I haven’t had my partner round all the time - kept him at bay up until the beginning of summer where he’s been over most weekends.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoyalLeo · 02/09/2024 09:03

TotalDramarama24 · 02/09/2024 08:11

Also saying that even when your new partner has been there at the weekends you've "given in" and given your time to your DD is an absolutely disgusting thing to say, or way to look at things. Your DD should always be your priority, not your new boyfriend.

You’ve read my message wrong here. I’ve not said I’ve given in. I’ve said that although he’s been there at weekends (only this last few months) I have continued life as normal with my kids - asking them to do things with me / days out however they have wanted to see their friends as well.
my kids are my top priority and although I found love - (I was in a loveless relationship for a good ten years), I have been very clear to them what that means and that they are always my priority and biggest love. I did not go out looking for a relationship, it was through a friend and I felt I couldn’t let it go. It was also important to me to show the girls what a respectful relationship looks like as the relationship with my ex was not. He was constantly calling me to them behind my back.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoyalLeo · 02/09/2024 09:25

Greytulips · 02/09/2024 07:50

Not all children are sad when their parents split up. The adults I have spoken to were received.

I think this is more about freedom, he clearly is the lacks parent and you are over parenting to make up his shortfall.

Have you discussed what she would like in future - going to town with friends, walking to the gym, having pocket money each week - see if it makes a difference.

Thank you for that advice - I shall speak to her about it.
I have compensated for his lack of parenting all their life.
She knows right from wrong and that her language to me is bad as my eldest has caught her smirking when she does it.
They hardly saw him or spent time with him - my eldest is so much more happier he’s not in her life. My youngest has said she’s not bothered about the break up - I think she just feels loyal to him - maybe sorry for him as I know he will have painted a “poor me” image although he is the reason for this break up.

OP posts: