Disagreeable DCs

[Namingthings]

I don't know where to put this. DD Is 22 and DS 17. I can't say anything without being told "stop telling me off". I feel attacked for everything. I can't discuss anything with them because they defend the other and are mean to me. They don't seem to respect the time & effort I put into caring for them - lifts, paying for things.

There's obviously a backstory & the details would be long & boring. I'm divorced from their dad. He checks out of a lot of things & undermines me, often in front of them. He's also incredibly tight, so I pick up the financial responsibility, although Dd should be working now.

I just find their constant critical and hostile ways towards me so hard. Yet when I ask them: cab you make your bed, can you close the cupboard doors in kitchen, can you chuck empty chocolate wrappers away, it's seen as nagging. I always try to be nice about it but they ignore me. Their dad's house is grim (dirty, hoarding) and he is totally emotionally absent. Lets them do as they like, so of course I'm the bad cop.

Today I had a huge cry. A big argument. I asked DD to be ready to be collected for lunch at 12 as DS had driving lesson at 2. She was v late but also not communicated she was elsewhere. I went to collect her at 12.20, she tried to tan her bike into my car boot, scratched the car. I asked her to stop ramming "you're telling me off, stop ducking telling me off" then lots of other swearing. I wasn't shouting, I asked calmly to stop as she couldn't see what she was doing. It escalated & she just cycled home.

The two of them then pair up & I feel terribly attacked by them. DD suggests to DS that he lives with her at their dad's empty house.

Maybe worth saying DS is at boarding school so all the cleaning & laundry etc is done for him. Trying to gently encourage him to notice I do it gets the response "you're my mum, you're meant to do it".

How do I deal with this! I'm so upset today.

I know everyone says it but stop doing so much for them. Stop paying for things and giving them lifts. The more I did the more it was seen as interfering even if it came from a good place. Step back, live your own life and things I am sure will eventually improve

It sounds like your daughter is still acting like and being treated like a child. If there was no communication from a 22 year old then why are you going to pick her up? She can sort herself out?

Is she is recent graduate who has moved out and come back or has she always lived at home?

Thank you. You're right. I'm overcompensating and so it feels doubly bad. Maybe a step back is better for us all. Things are often very good too.

Meant to add: it helps to hear from other parents in this situation. Yes, even if my help is coming from a good place, things are easier when I involve myself less.

We had agreed a lift at 12. I got to the house & she wasn't there. She finally phoned apologising and I offered her a lift from where she was, on her bike. Youre right (and previous poster) I should have just let her deal with getting to me. I was stressed as I had lunch in the oven and was worried about getting DS to his place for 2.

Yes she is living back home after graduating and there is some friction, altho her being away for study has really helped us loads & shed been more grateful lately.

Ok. She's since apologised after I did, and says she had a think about the things I do for them both. Maybe progress then.

The 22yr old sounds ten years younger.

Im sorry OP, you’ve enabled this behaviour. It’s learned helplessness which has lead to entitlement.

She needs a kick up the butt or a kick out the door. At 22, she should be saving to leave home. No excuses. You give her a timeline and in the meantime, start charging rent.

If she doesn’t follow the house rules, she can go and live with her DF.

Unlike your son, your daughter is an adult. Leave her to do her own thing.
It’s awful to be bullied by your own children. Horrible, I do feel for you.

Your son says you're his mum and you're meant to pick up after him AND he's 17?
No. Just no. That boy needs to learn some respect.

Sorry OP - but this needs nipping in the bud. However they behave with their dad, they need to understand the rules at your house. If this has always been the status quo in reality and you want to change it then this is fine but you'll need to put the legwork in.

You and dd are caught in a catch 22. You treat her like a younger child so she acts like a young child which has you discipline her like a young child and the cycle continues. You need to stop being so helpful to end this cycle - she’s a grown adult so can make her way home etc She will have coped with problems like getting her bike home a few miles when she was at uni - let her be an adult and work out solutions.

Once you start treating dd like she’s 22 then hopefully she’ll transition to “Sorry - I’ll try and remember to close the cupboard doors” which is what she probably did at uni or with romantic partners.

It’s the same with your son - he’s possibly off to uni next year so can handle his washing from now on. Being at boarding school will have skewed his perception of this but it’s your job to keep him grounded and ready for uni.

I don't think I've enabled it, hence my post. I think your post is unnecessarily critical. She already lives with ex and comes to her other home from time to time. Weve been getting on so well since she's been at university but today was horrible. Maybe we need a chat about escalation of anger in stressful situations or something like that.

Thank you. Thinking about it, we get on best when I leave her to it. I wonder if she is better off getting on with things by herself? Today wasn't representative, she's not usually so angry with me. Maybe we're in each others' hair too much. She's at her dad's mostly & dips in at mine regularly. Thank you, yes it's horrible.

If your son takes a gap year before uni then I highly recommend that he does something like a minimum wage job in hospitality or retail as a reality check. You don’t want him going to uni and dating and subjecting women with a “laundry is for women” attitude.

Thanks - no he said I'm meant to be the one doing his laundry & cooking. I guess that's kind of right part of the time but he does need to chuck his empty wrappers and close cupboards etc. We talked about keeping a house hygienic.

Literally hes just texted to say sorry for being rude. Maybe things are on the up. I do need to remind him the rules in my house and also to treat me with more respect. I do put in legwork but it doesn't help that their dad undermines me a lot.

Gap year is a great idea. One good point about the DCs being close is that DD also pulls him up on sexist comments and also encourages him to do his own stuff. At least ex and I agree that both kids should have a public-facing job. It did DD well and he's been looking for pub work. I am very open with him that I divorced his dad for this sort of behaviour. I think today was a bad day and maybe a stressful situation, but I really don't want repetitions.

Does your dd live at home and not work? Is she learning to drive? Does she pay keep?

Thank you. Yes, youre right, I need to leave her to solve her own problems. That works really well for us. I wanted to save myself some time today and not to burn lunch but I need to learn to keep my cool as well. You're totally right, the rest of the time she really does apologise and take more consideration. It's been noticeable in these uni years how much more she does that since she's been living away and sorting out her own stuff. Yes, I think ds will be easier once he's at uni. It doesnt help that "all the other mums are nice". Definitely skewed perceptions of some things.

My dd lives mainly at ex's house altho sometimes it is 50-50. She has a casual job for now as she graduated very recently. It's near his house so she's there more. She did pass her test but ex won't put his money in his pockets for a car. I'm working to get them a car they can share.

If he doesn't learn the skills to do these things from you, he's not going to learn them before uni if school does them for him. When I started uni, it transpired that the girl across the hall had never done any laundry whatsoever. It took her 4 weeks - until she had run out of underwear - to ask me to show her where the washing machines were and how to do laundry. Do not be like her parents.

Of course you have. This behaviour hasn’t come out of nowhere and you’re over parenting over the years has lead to a fully grown adult, bully her mother and now your son is too.

Same thing happened to me at uni, also people who couldn't cook or clean. He will prob take a gap year and he has done a lot of travelling so I think he will learn. I don't think he has to only learn from me. My ex husband could teach him, so could his stepmum and various other aunts, uncles, cousins, friends. There are many role models in life. But if he doesn't, he will just have to learn at uni. I don't think that's a bad thing, that's what people go there for!

I disagree. Today was a bad day but it is rarely this bad. I don;t think you are in any position to judge my parenting over the years.

Sorry you're going through this OP. I hear you, life feels so very unfair and shit sometimes. You're only doing your best. Massive hugs to you

I’m sorry but in no way is it normal for a 22yr old to behave that way.

Truthfully, you wouldn’t write a post if it was just down to one bad day. Just this is the day that broke the camels back.

Thank you @H0PI It really does feel unfair and i felt unappreciated. Both kids independently texted me to say sorry and DD says she had a good think about what I sacrifice for them. I'm not sure I like the word "sacrifice" but she seems to have the right general idea that I'm doing my best with limited resources. I guess it's a time of adjustment having her home again, and working out how much to involve her in our ever-diminishing family unit. Thank you for hugs, gratefully received.

Why are you buying them a car? let them work for one and understand the cost. At uni your youngest will need to do his own laundry and cooking does he know how?